Author Topic: So...Help.  (Read 11401 times)

Offline pyroriffic

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So...Help.
« on: September 16, 2008, 04:43:02 PM »
Now then, fellow Dresdenarians.

It's been a long, hefty while since I've just had the creative wherewithall to sit down and write a one-off, short story out of nowhere.

I've just done just that.  And I would really, really value general opinion and thoughts on it. 

However, I'm unsure of the protocol on these boards.  Would people gut me if I were to put a link up to the story?  I like being alive, it has many perks.  Like breathing, that's a good one.
Yeah, chocolate. Chocolate fends off all kinds of nasty stuff. And if you get hungry while warding off evil, you have a snack. It's multipurpose equipment.

Offline Yarr

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2008, 03:20:40 AM »
Go ahead and post a link.

After all, being gutted isn't necessarily fatal.

Offline pyroriffic

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2008, 06:51:53 AM »
Go ahead and post a link.

After all, being gutted isn't necessarily fatal.

I like the cut of your jib.

However, it might hurt somewhat.

Be that as it may, here is the link.

Things - a story that came about after asking someone what they did at the weekend and my imagination taking over from that point.
Yeah, chocolate. Chocolate fends off all kinds of nasty stuff. And if you get hungry while warding off evil, you have a snack. It's multipurpose equipment.

horsehearted

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2008, 07:07:10 AM »
I found it amusing! which is more of a compliment than it seems!

Offline pyroriffic

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2008, 07:12:11 AM »
I found it amusing! which is more of a compliment than it seems!

Thank you, horsehearted:)
Yeah, chocolate. Chocolate fends off all kinds of nasty stuff. And if you get hungry while warding off evil, you have a snack. It's multipurpose equipment.

horsehearted

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2008, 07:16:29 PM »
ok, now that i've had some sleep and am more coherent, you sound a lot like jim butcher, which is cool! because he's pretty damn awesome! The snarky sarcasm that we all love is very apparent in your story, as is the omission of "unimportant" details, like the main character's name (at least for a time), that also has a butcher feel! it was very entertaining and if you wrote more i'd read it based on your first story.

Offline Shecky

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2008, 07:56:49 PM »
Quite entertaining.
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Offline InfernoMDM

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2008, 09:19:34 PM »
I liked the story, but I think it side tracked to much.  Writing was good I caught a few hickups in words I think a he should have been a the.  None the less enjoyable.

Offline pyroriffic

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2008, 09:31:28 PM »
I liked the story, but I think it side tracked to much.  Writing was good I caught a few hickups in words I think a he should have been a the.  None the less enjoyable.

Ta muchly, have corrected that-there typo.
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Offline Starbeam

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2008, 09:45:49 PM »
One of the first sentences, with that that, emphasis on the first that, could probably have one edited out.  It's an amusing story, but like said previously, does have a tendency to go off on a tangent for a paragraph or more before getting back to the story.  Amusing, but not always necessary.

A couple things that made me stumble a bit while reading:  Consciously saying that the story was being written.  Takes away any tension that might have built up because it's too easy to assume next to nothing will happen.  Plus I've read few stories/books where that kinda thing worked well and didn't pull me out.  The word choice in several paragraphs make it sound like you used a thesaurus, or tried to use a bigger word than necessary because you could.  Like "drinking copious quantities of alcohol."  I think it's fine every now and then, but it's more relatable to say the character got smashed or shitfaced drunk.  And the Shroedinger's cat thing, that's just confusing to begin with, and I almost stopped reading as soon as quantum physics was mentioned.  S'not completely something everyone's gonna get, even though it's explained the character's a geek.  Geek and nerd have become pretty common to describe anyone obsessed with anything geeky, so maybe clarify what kind of geek.
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Offline Shecky

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #10 on: September 17, 2008, 09:46:19 PM »
Official forum rules and precepts; please read: http://www.jimbutcheronline.com/bb/index.php/topic,23096.0.html

Quote from: Stanton Infeld
Well, if you couldn't do that with your bulls***, Leonard, I suspect the lad's impervious.

Offline The Corvidian

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2008, 03:17:49 AM »
So, the poor man is beset by Tulpas. ;D

More, and expand it.
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Offline InfernoMDM

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2008, 09:46:50 PM »
As my country friend would say in his country southernly old ass acent, "It's country God Damn't!"  With a little feel of desperation, or exacerbation.  Anyways like I said good story, just something felt a bit stilted

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #13 on: September 19, 2008, 12:58:15 AM »
So, the poor man is beset by Tulpas. ;D

More, and expand it.

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Offline pyroriffic

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Re: So...Help.
« Reply #14 on: September 19, 2008, 06:42:54 AM »
Thank you all very much for feedback so far: it's nigh on impossible to get a feel for how things go when you don't get anybody commenting.

As for the story itself, it's the sort of story that was written in a one-off session in front of the computer and was, in that regard, totally freeform.  In some respects it's stream of consciousness fiction. 

Really appreciate the comments...

Thanks!

:)
Yeah, chocolate. Chocolate fends off all kinds of nasty stuff. And if you get hungry while warding off evil, you have a snack. It's multipurpose equipment.