Author Topic: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do  (Read 250964 times)

Offline Priscellie

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Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« on: April 09, 2008, 03:52:26 AM »
A long time ago, some friends and I put together a list of "Things Harry Dresden is No Longer Allowed to Do," based on the famous Skippy's List.  The original postings, with attributions, are here and here.  Let's see if we can't add to it!


Things Harry Dresden is No Longer Allowed to Do

- I am not allowed to ask elder Council members if they've ever parted the Red Sea.

- I will never label another bottle "Love Potion #9," even if it is factually accurate.

- I am not allowed to get drunk and serenade the entire tavern with a rousing rendition of "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End."
a) Or Murphy.
b) Or anyone.
c) Especially Murphy. She can hurt me.

- Bob's skull is not to be used to practice ventriloquism.
a) or to re-enact scenes from Hamlet.

- Under no circumstances am I to even contemplate asking the faeries if they offer a dating service as well.

- I am not allowed to attend a vampire ball dressed as movie Dracula ever again, no matter how funny it seems at the time

- I will never let Amanda Carpenter talk me into being her Show and Tell project again, no matter how cute her puppy-dog eyes are.

- Just because something is bleeping disturbing doesn't mean it's a bad idea.

- Fideliacchius is not a letter opener.

- I am not allowed to "correct" Harry Potter books.
a) From the library.
b) In red pen.

- Twice-divorced women are not wooed by the mantra "Third time's the charm!"

- My hand may eventually heal. I am not allowed to consider prosthetic chainsaw attachments.

- My blasting rod is not my "boomstick."

- "Klaatu barada nikto!" is not an appropriate spell.
a) Regardless of whether or not I say it correctly.
b) Even though it did work.

- Similarly, "Eta Kooram Nah Smech" will not make an enraged Murphy fall asleep.

- Referring to Lasciel's coin as "My Precious" in Michael's presence is not funny and will probably only get me killed.

- I may not make "your mom" jokes to Thomas. It only encourages him and is counterproductive.

- I may not tell the Merlin to pull the sword out of his stone.
a) I may not tell this to Morgan either.

- Whether or not I had any intention of following up on them, trying bad pickup lines on Murphy will get me shot.
a) Likewise Lara.
b) Also Miss Gard.

- I may not call Marcone "Scarface."

- I may no longer lurk around elementary schools, even if there are monsters on the playground.
a) Having lurked, I will not laugh at the cop who's come to 'talk' to me.
b) Having laughed, I will not suggest he call Murphy.
c) Having suggested, I will at least be glad that I brightened her day, judging from the hysterical laughter.

- I may no longer tell vampires to "bite me," as that joke is dead and rotting.
a) Similarly, if I say "fuck you" to a White Court vampire, I deserve what I get.

- Quoting Labyrinth at the faeries is just asking for trouble.

- A flea collar is not an appropriate gift for a werewolf.
a) Unless I've suddenly developed a death wish.

- I will not use my pentacle amulet to ward off Jehovah's Witnesses.

- I can no longer tell impressionable young children that my dog is part wolf.
a) Or Sirius Black.

- Changing the tagline on my ad to read "Who ya gonna call?" is a violation of good taste as well as copyright laws.

- The Dresden Dolls were not named after me.
a) Nor are they my personal fan club.

- I am not permitted to address the Council in Pig Latin.
a) Even if it is easier than real Latin. Stupid correspondence course.

I will not pitch my life story to Peter Jackson.
a) Viggo Mortensen isn't nearly tall enough to play me, anyway.

-It is culturally insensitive to refer to the incident that maimed my hand as "the firebombing of Dresden."
a) Nor should I respond to condolences by commenting "So it goes. Po-tee-weet?"

-I will not poke people with my stick.
a) If I must poke people with my stick, it will in fact be my stick, and not my...stick.

- I must no longer answer questions I don't know the answer to with "A wizard did it". It was not funny the first time, nor was it funny the subsequent seventeen times.
a) Even if a wizard did do it.
b) Especially if it was me.

- While wearing my wizard robes, I must not Jedi wave 'this is not the house you are looking for' at visiting Mormons, vacuume-cleaner salesmen or Avon ladies.
a) Or Jedi wave 'These cookies are free' as visiting Girl Scouts.

- As tempting as it might be to show off, I must not demonstrate 'Jedi powers' to the geeks at the gaming shop.
a) Or as Sci-Fi conventions.
b) Especially not to prove Star Wars over Star Trek to Trekkers.
c) My sword cane is NOT a lightsaber. Even with the noises.

- I will not attempt to break Mister of his Cola addiction.
a.1) without sufficient protection.
a.2) ever

- It is never a good idea to refer to Murph as "Sweetcheeks".
a) Even if she did land butt first on the Sugar Plum Fairy.
b) Blaming the fact that I landed on my head, will only get me hit on the head harder.
c) Alcohol isn't an excuse either.

- Stercus Caput is not a valid title of address at council meetings.
a) Even if it did make Ebenezer shoot whisky out his nose.

- Asking Billy and Georgia "When is the litter due?" will not get me out of any future babysitting duty.

- I will not encourage the other pixies to sing "Don't mess with my Toot Toot" if Toot doesn't come through with the information. It only gives him a swelled head.

- I will not borrow Mac's Car....

- I will not open doors of Big Jim's door with my staff

- I will not refer to Marcone as Padrino.  I will not refer to Lea as fairy Padrina.  And I will never, ever, introduce them.

- I may not introduce myself as Gandalf the White, Radagast the Brown, or Manfred the Slightly Ecru.

-I will not shout "Fire!" in a crowded White Council meeting. Or in a crowded theatre, for that matter.

-I will not mop the White Council HQ's floor with Morgan's grey cloak.
a) Even if it won't leave a stain. It's the principle of the thing, I suppose.

- I am not to let Bob out anywhere near Butters' Accordian;
a) No matter how much he whines about his Kielbasa Sausage and it's need to perform.
b) Again.

-When asked my name, I will not answer "There are some who call me... Tim?"

- I must not ask Murphy to "Sit on my Magic lap" Again.

- Under no circumstances am I to make any references to performing spells "skyclad."
a) Especially if Morgan is within earshot.
b) Yes, it's funny to watch his head explode. It is still Wrong.
c) Anyway, he who makes the Warden's head explode cleans up debris from said explosion, and blood is so hard to get out of carpet.

Offline Purpura

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2008, 04:08:19 AM »
Harry Dresden is not allowed to tell nursery stories to some kinds of Faeries.
(click to show/hide)

Offline nanuq

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2008, 04:18:16 AM »
- I REALLY shouldn't compliment Mab on her great ass
- Selling the swords on Ebay is not a good way to raise money
- Likewise for selling Bob

Offline Stag.S

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2008, 04:50:45 AM »
 - I am not allowed to piss of magical beings that can crush me with a thought
a) Unless I'm well prepared
b) Or just plain suicidal
c) Or I'm really really angry

 - I am not allowed to martyr myself while uttering the lines "Thall Shall Not Pass"
a) No matter how apt
b) Or the fact that they would have to sue my corpse

Offline cassandra

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2008, 04:55:37 AM »
- I am not allowed to sing "We're Off to See the Wizard" when it's time to go to a council meeting.
- I am not allowed to ask Ancient Mai if a house ever fell on her sister.
- I am not allowed to call the Merlin "Professor Dumbledore"
 a) or Gandalf
- I will not send in photos of creatures from the Nevernever to the National Enquirer, no matter how much money it can make me
 a) not even when the rent is due
- I will not attempt to enchant a vacuum cleaner to fly
 a) not even while drunk
 b) no, I did not almost succeed with a broom that one time
- I will never again wear in public the t-shirt that says "Save a broomstick; Ride a Wizard!"
- Pig Latin will not suffice as a substitute for actual Latin

Offline Hopefire

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2008, 05:21:04 AM »
-I will not sing along to "Invisible Touch" when Michael is around.
a) It takes control and slowly tears you apart. And though she will mess up your life, you want her just the same.

-I will not ask a Denarian for change.

-I will not do magic shows for kids.
a) Unless of course Ivy wants to see me pull a bunny out of a hat.

-I will not go drinking with Sanya and try to use magic the next day.
a) Or to do anything else.

-I will not try to eBay my new copy of The Two Towers.
a) In general, I think it best I try to avoid eBay altogether.

-I will not tell Luccio that she looks pretty good for two hundred.
a) On a similar note, if she has trouble getting into bars, I will not laugh at her.
b) No matter how long the argument with the bouncer goes.

« Last Edit: April 09, 2008, 05:31:35 AM by Hopefire »

Offline firesaynt

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2008, 05:43:55 AM »
- i will not use Denarian coins in the parking meter
 a) even if the meter does think they're nickles


-I will not hum "Bark at the Moon" when the Alphas are around

-i will not ask Molly about the recreational use of Whartonburg Pinwheels before my date with Luccio
 a) even if it seems a good idea
 b) ESPECIALLY if it seems like a good idea



"Life is pain, anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something"

Offline panic686

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2008, 05:47:11 AM »
I will not complement Cowl on his choice of a black robe
-even if it is rather trendy for a wizard
-and it makes sorting laundry easier


(first attempt, not great but go easy on me  :))

Offline firesaynt

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2008, 05:48:46 AM »
- I may no longer tell vampires to "bite me," as that joke is dead and rotting.
a) Similarly, if I say "fuck you" to a White Court vampire, I deserve what I get.


BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH...............

Jeez somebody call an ambulance.....! :D
"Life is pain, anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something"

Offline MonaLS

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #9 on: April 09, 2008, 07:05:49 AM »
I'm dying laughing here, those are GREAT! What a great post to end on for the evening. :) :) :)
“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast” Anonymous

Offline Grotms

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2008, 07:18:35 AM »
-No matter how much Bob begs, I will never take bob to an adult Novelty store again. Ever.
"Willy E. Coyote. Suuuper Genius."

Offline Miharu

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #11 on: April 09, 2008, 07:20:13 AM »
I will not make hissing sounds or Lord Voldemort jokes to Cowl's back anymore
a) Only to his front
b) when I am ready to dodge the incoming flying projectiles

I will never make jokes about a possible online fan base someday, who knows? Stranger things have happened.

I will not ever turn my back on Michael's Tree House again unless I am the one up there
a) Its just so damn popular

I will not ever make comments about Tinkerbell, you never know, size is often disceptive. Yoda for instance.

I will not ever let anyone borrow my coat again, no matter how short term. Bad shit happens to me.

I will avoid riding in Murphy's car as much as possible. Her car insurance premiums cannot take much more.
« Last Edit: April 09, 2008, 07:23:03 AM by Miharu »
Tinkerbell's probably some flesh-eating Willowisp.

Offline Valorclast

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #12 on: April 09, 2008, 08:48:50 AM »
I am not allowed to quote Shakespeare while around Mab.
a) or Titania
b) or while in the NeverNever
c) or in the proximity of any fae bigger than Toot Toot

I will not answer any more questions from the pizza delivery boys no matter where I'm having it delivered.

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing.
Holding on to what I'm feeling,
Savoring this heart that's healing.

~~~
Valorclast of the Blackthorne's

Offline Priscellie

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #13 on: April 09, 2008, 11:27:17 AM »
*laughs* These are fantastic, guys!  Keep 'em coming!

Offline Kali

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Re: Things Harry Dresden Is No Longer Allowed to Do
« Reply #14 on: April 09, 2008, 11:51:50 AM »
I am no longer permitted to convince new wizards that "Charmed" DVDs are really tutorials.

The Blue Man Group is not "The Blue Court", and I will stop phoning in "tips" to the Warden hotline about their activities.
We don't get just one life.  We get as many as we can cram into one lifetime.

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