Angel book chapter 1 (haven't decided on a title)

[SunPhoenix]

For the pure heck of it I thought I'd post the first chapter of my book. I'd like any feedback.


Written By Curtis

     Every myth or belief relies on a basis or idea. Some of these ideas are not known if it is or not given   

  that for most there is no real proof to say otherwise. What if one belief or myth is true but not in the

way you think it. Like that of some religions the sun is a form of dependency and mythos. It is similar to

that of the one blazing above the desert.

      “It’s so hot,” Azual rasped her throat sore from the lack of water.  She glanced around herself to see

the vast, burning desert in the heat of summer.  It turned her already tanned, brown skin darker.  Dust

swirled around her feet as she trudged through the barren land.

     “Quit it with the whining,” replied Ezkrell equally scorched by the sun that beat upon his back, but

seemed to barely affect his pale white skin.  “I hadn’t asked you to follow me.”

     “It’s your fault that we are in this predicament,” mumbled Azual while she ruffled her Greek looking

toga.  She was trying to get a bit cooler from the heat.  Her clothes were thoroughly soaked from her

sweat and helped to cool her skin.  She wiped some of the sweat from her brow and midnight black with

the back of her hand.  The crunch of some recently deceased creature’s skeleton caused her to jump.

     Hello… her thoughts resounded in her skull.  Azual’s once ever present connection that she had with

the others was gone and now felt odd, almost eerie.  The communication was similar to that of some

police radio gone dead.  She had never wanted to end up in a situation like this.

     “Huh?” Azual said as she bumped into Ezkrell.  “What is the problem?”

     Moving slowly Ezkrell pointed at the reason why he had stopped.  Curled up was a rattlesnake that

was about a foot from him.  It gazed into his eyes in a slightly hypnotic fashion, barely moving while its

tail rattled in a steady rhythm.  Ezkrell, unsure of how to deal with the rattlesnake, kept his body in front

of her, sine he had no idea if the snake might strike.

     “Um… Any idea what we should do?  I’ve seen these things before but am unable to recall how to deal

with them; it’s unlike most of what we have to deal with,” murmured Ezkrell, trying not to provoke the

snake.

     Fed up with the whole state of things, Azual moved around the side of Ezkrell chose to provoke the

snake into attacking her.  Taking the bait, the rattlesnake chose to spring forward to attempt to bite

her.  Azual expecting this attack sidestepped and brought her hand up to catch the snake by the base of

its head all in a single movement.  The tail rattled louder over being caught like this.

     “See?” Azual mused, while inspecting the snake, feeling the smooth scales against her fingers as she

felt the snake up and down along its body.  “Interesting little guy isn’t he?  It is different to see

something like this up close, not much of a threat.  There was no need for you to get worked up about

it.”

     “What in the blue blazes was that for?” said Ezkrell,  “It could of still hurt you.  It is still foolish to try

to engage something that you haven’t come up against.”

     “You know, maybe I shouldn’t have followed you since you obviously have no idea how to deal with

things around here,” she snarled at him, her breathing becoming deeper and her lips cracking over the

heat.

     Ezkrell merely glared at her, his jaw slightly jutting out, a hint of a scowl lingering on his face.  His

temple throbbing some, he relaxed a little bit a breathed a sigh.  He couldn’t help to think of how she had

been the cause of the fight that they had been caught up in that had landed them into their current

situation.  Although, he couldn’t help but see his part was played to also end himself here also, allowing at

least give a little respite in his loathing what she had done to him.

     Meanwhile, in the midst of the tension Azual had snapped the neck of the rattlesnake.  The snake

made a few last death throes from it and silencing the snakes rattling, as a result of her frustration. 

Having heard the rattlesnake become silent she let it fall from her hands causing it to give a small thud on

the ground.  She sighed and glanced from the once fascinating, once living snake to the source of her

frustration, Ezkrell.

     “Why must you be so infuriating?  Can’t you just be nice and try to make the situation better?” Azual

asked.

     Being broken from his silent reverie by the death of the rattlesnake, Ezkrell crouched down to look at

it.  He gave no heed to Azual as he was still somewhat angry at her.  He felt the smooth scales to where

the skin was taught and some scales removed from being strangled.  He reflected on what he had seen in

his travels in how some people had dealt with these little reptiles.  Some were kept encaged in large parks

of animals and others were, like this one, wild. Some people have, of course, even been prey to the fangs

of snakes.  Then he remembered that how some people are, in that some are able to consume about

anything, had the ability to make these creatures into food, which included these odd little reptiles.   So

it seems like something like this can become food even though it is unlike anything before that he has

ever consumed.

     Completely upset at being ignored, she began heading off on her own at a slow pace.  Azual didn’t

even bother to say farewell, just trying to get distance from Ezkrell.  She had only gone a short distance

before the exhaustion and dehydration had finally taken its toll on her causing her to collapse.  Azual

heard the footsteps of someone coming up to her right before the blackness of unconsciousness took hold

of her.

[meg_evonne]

I'll try to check it out later.  I've found I have a hard time working without footed font, paragraph indents, at least 1.5 line spacing, font 12.  Geez, I'm getting picky in my own age....  Eyes aren't working too well either, and here I am "farting" around instead of working on my own stuff.  Seriously re-format or e-mail it to me.  Pretty sure my e-mail is listed...  Take care, Meg

[SunPhoenix]

Sorry, I had copied it directly and it had done it without reformatting. Fixed now.

[BlueStocking]

I'm really interesting in seeing where this goes.  Feel free to email me with updates if you want someone to read over it for you

[meg_evonne]

Hi SunPhoenix,  Wish granted!    BTW are you a Suns BB fan?

First beware: I am not an editor, nor a teacher, nor anything other than someone who reads a great deal and writes for her own pleasure.  So--for heaven's sake follow your own heart and your own vision, okay?

First drafts are a blast, aren't they?  I'm a firm believer is "getting it down".  You learn a lot as you let your work ramble and your characters find their voice, your style starts to settle and the story starts to take form.  It's a very exciting time.  It's like a first date, lots of excitement, lots of fun, but ultimately you are testing the person out.  You need to decide if you want to work with them.  You are really going to need to understand that character in and out AND make a committment to work together for a long time.

When I let somone read my early work (very few BTW) what I'm really saying is, "Are you 'hearing' what I'm saying?"  I find it helpful to know if the reason for the chapter is getting delivered clearly and with interesting aspects. 

So I'll start with what I 'heard'.  We've got two frustrated & angry x-gods who've been dumped on an Earth-like planet's desert without their powers.  Azuel must have been the instigater and Ezkrell participated. Azuel had a power to be in connection with the others; Ezkrell has at least a rudimentary knowledge of the planet and a softer affinity for the animals located there-which gave a nice insight into his character.  At this point we don't know who sentenced them, nor why, nor how it happened.  The chapter has the "feel" of a set up for the next chapter's flashback to what put them where they are at present.  it has the sense of Adam and Eve conceptually---or perhaps a twist on Aries grounded in Xena, with more three diminsional characters.

The rough diamond of this first draft chapter is the voice of Azuel.  I like the dialog she has and what you have done to use that dialog to further her character development.

Now that I've been working harder at developing my own craft, I now realize that a ton of the work is done before I ever get around to writing that first chapter.  Things that need to be seriously considered as you progress (and the sooner the better) are critical issues such as point of view (POV), sentence sellers, and the outline.  If you don't like outlines---at least a written synopsis that explains where you are going and how you are going to get there.  Some critical questions from your chapter that haven't been answered:

Great:  edited because it posted on it's own....  So above hasn't even been edited by re-reading. 

1.  Who is your main character going to be?  Or will you continue with two characters as primary?
2.  What is your POV?  Beginning writers sometimes find 1st person POV easiest. 
3.  What will the ultimate theme going to be?  survival? super beings adapted to normal life?
4.  What will the sub themes be?  How will they be introduced?
5.  What ultimately do you want your work to say?  ---about life?  about death? about power abuse? about what power can do to better society?

You might find it fun to start with the blowout that put them on the planet in the first place.  It would be exciting, show the characters at a point of strife, give background to why they ended up where they are at present.  You may still wish to start with this desert scene, but at the moment I don't sense that background is firm in your character's minds.

I enjoyed reviewing your work and in the future it might be best to discuss via PMs---saves space....

Finally---if you haven't found Jim Butcher's fantastic gift to writers, his journal, do so-- if not go back to home page and click on his life journal.  It has so much great stuff in there to help your work.  And WITH MORE KNOWLEDGE THAN I COULD EVER SHARE!!! 

Go for it, have fun, learn, enjoy the ride.  Let your dialog lead you.  At this point, I'd say it was your strong point!      
   

PS. Sentence Sellers...  single sentence that tells what your story is all about. Someone explained them to me as you have less than a minute in an elevator with a publisher or an agent---what sentence will describe your book, make it interesting, make that individual want to hear more.  They really help you ground your work as well...

[SunPhoenix]

First off the name of Sun Phoenix was something I chose that was powerful and empowering. I also like that it is unique since I've seen so many names around in video games and whatnot.

Thanks for the reply you have some really nice insight for someone who actively does this. I've pretty much have an outline for the whole story that answers those 5 questions. I don't know if it really has a POV for what it's called but in the Dune books they shifted from person to person giving kind of a first person view but not quite. What I am actually working on is filling in the middle and around where my main ideas are. I may decide to post the 2nd one after all, which gives a bit more groundwork and that this first chapter is just a start. I'm working on the 3rd chapter right now. I wasn't really wanting to say much but you have gleaned quite a bit off of this chapter. It's good that it follows the character outline that I made. I may think of making a flashback to go between chapter 1 and 2.