Author Topic: Comments and ideas, please? Three stories.  (Read 2511 times)

Offline Warden John Marcone

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Comments and ideas, please? Three stories.
« on: June 24, 2009, 01:49:34 PM »
So I started writing this, but I'm stuck.  What do you think so far and where should I go?  It's based on the game Jade Empire.




Chapter One
     Lo San stumbled and nearly fell as he fled after Kia Minh.  Tears stained the ground even after another student pulled him to his feet and shoved him ahead, tears of anguish at the thought of the friends and fellow students who lay dead and burning behind him.  More students fell and were slain by their pursuers even as they rushed for the safety of the woods surrounding the Two Rivers school.  He saw another student stumble before him and helped the girl regain her balance, even as Kia Minh called, "Hurry!  Make for the Marsh!  Go!"
     Lo San watched Kia Minh slow and fade to the back of the group of fleeing students, even as the squad of thugs caught up to them.  A student behind Lo San went down as the Captain stuck his spear out and tripped him, but a glance showed Kia Minh busy engaging three others.  With only a moment to think, Lo San hit the attacker with one of the powerful strikes of the Heavenly Wave style, then followed it up with a blinding kick to complete the Harmonic Combo.  As the captain exploded in a mass of blood, Lo San felt slightly rejuvenated, and felt a rush of triumph at the realization of what he had done.  He was only a novice with the Legendary Strike style, but he was still able to complete a Harmonic Combo with it.  The staff striking his hip brought him back to reality, celebration would have to wait.  He blocked another strike from the staff, then snapped a kick at the thug’s head.  The thug ducked under his kick and swept Lo San's feet out from under him, then leered at him through crooked teeth.  "Gao the Greater says no survivors, so that means I get to kill you."
     Lo San tensed and waited for the killing blow, but as the thug raised the staff over his head a spear point emerged from his chest.  Gaping at the blade, he let the staff fall from hands that suddenly no longer wanted to work.  He grasped at the blade, as if trying to pull out the weapon that killed him, as he slowly sank to his knees and fell over.  Behind the corpse of the thug, the student Lo San had saved slowly stood and tried to yank his spear from the body.  Suddenly Kia Minh was there, pulling the poor boy away from the corpse and yelling at another student to get Lo San and run.  As he surged to his feet, Lo San glanced back at a pile of seven corpses, two more dead students and the five mercenaries that paid the price for killing them.
___________________________________________________________ _
     The students continued to run, even after shaking off the last of the pursuit effort.  They weren't just running from the men trying to kill them, they were running from the memory of what had happened.  Finally, as the students around Kia Minh started to collapse, she called a halt.  While the students collected in a group Kia Minh did a head count.  Nineteen, from a school of nearly a hundred.  How are we going to get through this?  She shook her head.  It was going to be difficult, no question.  She saw one of the older students, Lo San, comfort the others surrounding him.  He'd done well today, accounting for one of the attackers and saving another student.  She stumbled over to him. 
     "San, you did very good today," she said.
     He looked up at her from bandaging a girl's arm, a questioning look on his face.  "I'm sorry, Kia Minh?"
     She half-smiled.  "You saved one of the other students from death and performed a Harmonic Combo.  You also placed the lives of others ahead of your own.  You were a hero today."
     Lo San just smiled, exhaustion etched in all his features.  "That wasn't heroics.  There was no time to think.  I saw an attacker and fought back."
     "It doesn't matter.  What you did was brave, Master Li would be proud of you."
     Suddenly Lo San's eyes filled with tears and Kia Minh felt as if a dagger had pierced her heart as she remembered why Lo San had to be brave.  She blinked back the tears, there would be time for grief later.  For now she had a responsibility to the students.
     "Do you feel up to sentry duty?" She asked him.
     "I'm dead on my feet, but if you need me to, I can."
     Kia Minh smiled again, in the vain hope that it would help cheer the students. 
     "Get some sleep, San.  I'll take first watch and wake you in four hours.  All of you, get some rest."  The last was to the rest of the students.  As the students one by one dropped off to sleep, Kia Minh leaned against a tree and rested her spear close to her hand.  Without moving, she waited and watched.
___________________________________________________________
Fire.  Screaming.  The smell of charred flesh as confusion reigned.  Smiling Mountain!  Find Smiling Mountain, he'll protect us!  Run!  Stumbling across the school to where Smiling Mountain sleeps, only to see the Martial Arts master treacherously cut down from behind while facing seven opponents.  Where are they coming from?  Gao!  He must have led them here!  Jing Wu's voice carries across the school, rallying the students.  Yes, that's it!  We're students of the Martial Arts, we'll fight back!  No, we can't.  There's too many!  Lin falls after cutting down two black-handed warriors.  Wen dies as three warriors bear down on him, hacking with their swords.  Jing Wu yells at us to run as he holds them off.  Where's the Senior Student?  Where's Dawn Star?  They'll protect us!  Dawn Star disappeared and the Senior Student went to find her.  They can't help us now.  There they are!  The Senior Student and Dawn Star tell us to follow Kia Minh.  Run!  Hurry!  Another student falls to the mercenaries that replace the Black-Handed Warriors.  The Senior Student told us to follow Kia Minh.  She'll lead us to safety.  We're in the Golden Delta, we're supposed to be safe!  Why is this happening?  Don't think, just run!  But why?  What did we do?  Falling again.  Wait, this didn't happen!  A mercenary stares down with an icy smile as he raises his sword...
     Lo San woke in a cold sweat, the previous day’s events still fresh in his mind.  He looked up at the sky to try and gauge the time and saw Kia Minh making her way over to him.  "Is it time for my watch?"
     "Your turn.  Be careful."
     "I"ll try."  Kia Minh took Lo San's place on the ground as Lo San made his way to the border of the group for his watch.  Pausing, he flipped up to the branches of a nearby tree and looked around.  Nobody and nothing but trees as far as he could see.  Dropping back to the ground, he looked around at the sleeping students and his mind flashed back to the day's events.  Suddenly the flood of questions came again.  Why did this happen?  Who were these people?  Why did they take Master Li?  What are we going to do?
     Gao the Greater says no survivors.  The words popped unbidden into his head.  Where had he heard those words before?  Lo San wracked his brain.  Where did the words come from?  The thug!  The mercenary said it before Tai Shen stabbed him.  Well, that answered one question, the mercenaries worked for Gao's father.  But who were the others?  Armored warriors with black-stained hands…and Wen dying with terror in his eyes.  Wen used to whisper about them from his time in the Imperial City, the Lotus Assassins.  It had to be.  But why?  And why did Master Li just go with them?  Why did he abandon us?  Questions would have to wait, something rustled the bushes nearby.  Cautiously making his way over, he pushed the greenery aside with his staff, then fell back in surprise and fear.

Chapter Two
     Lin and Wen looked back at Lo San, but as he started to call for help Lin flew forward and covered his mouth.  The cry died in his throat as the cold of her hand sunk into his face.  "Hush, San.  Don't say anything.  I don't want them to see me like this."
     Wen crept into the clearing and stood with Lin.  His face showed confusion.  "I don't understand.  We should feel the pull of the Shepherd, but I feel nothing.  What’s going on?"
     Lin shook her head.  "It's just like I'd been hearing.  The spirits of the dead can't pass on.  I'm fighting the madness, and I'm trying to keep Wen with me but he's slipping."
     Lo San just stared at them, speechless.  What was he supposed to say to ghosts?  Lin giggled at the look on his face, and that sound seemed to bring Wen back a little bit.  He looked around again, this time with less confusion in his eyes, and recognized Lo San.  "Hello San.  What happened to us?"
« Last Edit: June 24, 2009, 11:07:56 PM by Rogue Nine (WJM) »
The moribund equine has been more than sufficiently flagellated.

Offline Warden John Marcone

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Re: Comments and ideas, please? Three stories.
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2009, 01:56:02 PM »
This is the second storyline of my Jade Empire novel.  I'm eventually going to tie the two together and maybe a third.






Chapter One
     Jared didn’t look up as the commotion stirred the camp.  He kept his eyes on the fish he was frying, even while his father, Rho Sai, made his way over.
     "Zhe Bo is causing trouble again.  Be careful Jar Sai, he’s out for blood this time."
     Jared looked up, his Outlander emerald eyes meeting his adopted father's black eyes.  He didn't speak.  He didn't have to.  Steely resolve seemed to fleck his eyes with an icy blue.  He went back to his cooking, seemingly oblivious, but Rho Sai knew his son and saw he was tense and ready.
     Zhe Bo strutted over to Jared's fire and reached for the fish.  Before his fingers could even brush the fish, though, a stick came out of nowhere and cracked his knuckles.  Zhe Bo yelped, more from surprise than pain, and a few snickers from the assembled tribe painted a snarl on his face.  He reached for the fish again, and once again the stick lashed out, this time at his elbow.  Open laughs from the more audacious members of the tribe, and Jared smiled, silently mocking Zhe Bo.
     Trembling with rage, Zhe Bo spat in Jared's face and snarled, "You're getting a little big for your saddle, Outlander.  Maybe the tribe needs new leadership.  One of their own kind."
     Jared looked up, a hard glint in his emerald eyes.  "Is that a challenge, Zhe Bo?"
     Zhe Bo was taken aback by the ferocity in the younger man's eyes, but he'd made his boast and he wasn't backing down.  "Yes," he snarled, "I challenge you, Jar Sai, for our tribe."
     Jared spoke one word, "Finally."
     He surged forward into the bigger man’s stomach, throwing all of his two hundred thirty pounds into Zhe Bo and knocking him back.  He started throwing punch after iron punch into Zhe Bo’s gut.  Zhe Bo had a full head and forty pounds on Jared, but all that meant nothing when compared to the smaller man's speed and agility.  As blow after blow fell into Zhe Bo, he struggled to strike back as his tormentor.  He had been expecting a pitch fight, not a brawl, and he was being very severely beaten for his mistake.
     Finally standing, Jared rinsed his hands in the stream and looked at the gathered warriors.  "Does anybody else wish to continue Zhe Bo's challenge?  I am Jar Sai!  My ancestor was Jen Sai the Tree That Defies Flame!  I am your leader, and if any wish to challenge me for the right to lead, let them speak now!"
     Nobody spoke up, so Jared walked over to where Zhe Bo was struggling to stand.  "Zhe Bo thought he was my better.  He though, that  because I'm not born of the Horse Lords, that I am not a Horse Lord.  I will say this now, if anyone, anyone, believes this, speak now.  If not, then I am your leader.  I am your chief.  And I will have your obedience!"
     Again, nobody spoke.  Then, defiantly thrusting his chin forward, Zen Ja strode forward to stand behind Jared.  He glared at the gathered warriors, daring them to object, and stated, "I stand with Jar Sai.  I am yours to command."
     That started a trickle, that eventually gave way to a flood, as one after the other the other warriors knelt before Jared and muttered, "I am yours to command."
     Finally, Zhe Bo stood alone, beaten and broken.  He struggled to his feet and glanced around at his tribe, looking expectantly at him.  He breathed a sigh of defeat and knelt before Jared, also saying, "I am yours to command, Jar Sai."
     Rho Sai looked on, a smile on his face.  Since stepping down as Chief the week before, he had been worried about Jared’s ability to take control.  But he had trained his son well, and Jared was just as much a crafty politician as he was a fierce warrior.
     Having asserted his control over the tribe, Jared turned his attention back to his dinner, only to see it burning in the fire.  He smiled to himself, thinking how ironic it was that the source of the conflict was now useless.  Picking up his pole and tackle, he headed to the corral to get his charger and head to the river.

Chapter Two
     The Sai tribe rode hard across the plains, Jared in the lead.  Some dark force, some inner drive, pushed him onward.  He didn’t know what called him, but he knew it lay to the South, in the Golden Delta.  Few of the Horse Lord tribes dared venture into the Jade Empire, and even fewer now that tales abound of enchanted statues quickly replacing the Imperial Army.  But somehow Jared knew his tribe would encounter no patrols, no resistance.  So reinforced by this inner knowledge, he rode onward, toward he knew not what.
     Near midday the border between the Jade Empire and the land of the Horse Lords came into sight.  It wasn't hard to miss, as it was an enormous wall breaking the landscape in an attempt to keep the Horse Lords out of the Empire.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2009, 11:13:04 PM by Rogue Nine (WJM) »
The moribund equine has been more than sufficiently flagellated.

Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Comments and ideas, please? Three stories.
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2009, 10:03:13 PM »
Maybe you are jumping the gun a bit here?  Usually I let people read when I've got the story well underway. 

Personal pref, which I now know why agents/editors are so picky about format.  Paragraph breaks man. this gives me a headache even looking at it!  LOL  :-)  How about picking out your favorite 250 words and put it under the new game:  hooked, not hooked? 

But that's my pref, others may have more time to read than i do.  If I've got extra--I'm writing myself.  Always willing to read yours if you read mine.....   yeah, I know I'm being b***** but time is my major problem when it comes to writing.  :-)
"Calypso was offerin' Odysseus immortality, darlin'. Penelope offered him endurin' love. I myself just wanted some company." John Henry (Doc) Holliday from "Doc" by Mary Dorla Russell
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Offline Warden John Marcone

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Re: Comments and ideas, please? Three stories.
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2009, 10:57:54 PM »
Oops!  Sorry, I had it tabbed and double-spaced in my word processer, not nearly so difficult.  I'll fix that.
The moribund equine has been more than sufficiently flagellated.