@Gritti, Thank you for the clarification on where the piece was located! I was confused as to why Dennis wanted him, etc. So it's another YA, yeah! I agree with Liz' assessment. I like the action, the intensity and I suspect that is why you picked this section to share. You've got the elements (A, B, C, etc) of the chase and they are working for you.
Professor Meg speaks---feel welcome to stab my crit's heart!!! Just remember the key elements are already in your post and they are great!
Tension can be built lots of ways, but one way is to shorten your sentences. When you read it out loud, you'll get a feel for the pace you are setting. This kind of scene can take a very fast pace.
Quote from: Gritti on September 10, 2009, 06:48:32 PM
"*Almost done. I just had one more thing to do before I left.*1 [*My room was on the second floor* 2 so I bolted up the stairs two at a time. *Without thinking,*3 I put stuff I would need for a sleepover at a friend’s house, like a toothbrush, some extra socks, among other things *into a small bag with a single strap that slung onto my back.[/s]4 Then I grabbed the original copy of the riddle and stuffed it in my back pocket.* *Lastly,* 3 I grabbed Obi, put him in my jacket pocket, (went back to the front door, and looked out the peephole)*."
I'm willing to bet the goal of this paragraph is to show his panic, grab the riddle and Obi? If so, right now those last two items are buried under the other stuff.
Tightening might look like: 1. slows the action, doesn't add. 2. If he's running up the stairs, let the reader figure out its upstairs. 3. 'without thinking' and 'lastly' can be shown through action 4. 11 words to say backpack, unless having a single strap pack is essential :-) Each of these parts can act like molasses on the reader, slowing the action you have between.
"I bolted up the stairs two at a time, cramming overnight stuff into my backpack. Then I grabbed the original copy of the riddle, stuffing it into my back pocket and I thrust Obi into my jacket pocket, (went back to the front door, and looked out the peephole).
The beginning panic/rush action reveals that well and the same goes for your action writing in the rest of the post. I mean this happened and that and then this and then that. All great sequence elements! but you also have to invest your reader so they want the character to get away.
The description that I cut added nothing to WHO the character was, nor HOW he felt, and didn't further the plot--these are key descriptions to making readers happy. These descriptions did nothing to further the plot or build character. Take one of your JB books and pick out some action dialog. Look at the white space around it. Look at how he thrusts in Harry's comments. Look at how the character is 'shown' so you get invested in the action on a personal level.
Here at this point you have the opportunity to show me what the character feels, fears, wants, whatever by adding description the reader wants to know. (went back to the front door, and looked out the peephole) is an action that reveals a tiny bit, but you can flesh it out so the reader is sucked right into the action. HOW does he approach the back door? What does he FEEL when he looks out the peephole? What does he FEAR is outside the peephole? The reader wants to experience his thoughts, his concerns. Also as far as pace, this is a quiet bit before you smash right into action a moment later.
Really a nice start, Gritti
Now why can't I get all that into my writing... ah well, the main point initially is to just get it down in any format it takes to get the job done. Re-editing the heck out of a paragraph here or there in a first draft is nice, but it can suck you in editing and not getting the pages finished! Best writing to you!
