Request for Feedback

[Torvaldr]

Okay, I know I am asking for it. What do you think?

I'm not supposed to be dead. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Someone made a really big mistake somewhere. Because the last thing anyone should have wanted to do was kill me. You see I am far more dangerous when I am dead than when I am alive. Not making sense to you huh? Well that is going to take a while to explain. But being dead I have all the time I need.
   You see I am an angel. Or rather I was once. I made a rather large mistake a few eons ago and listened to a fella named Lucifer. Next thing I know I had a rather abrupt address change. Humans throughout history have made a rather big deal out of the "War in Heaven". Believe me it wasn't as grand or dramatic as you might think. Once an angel has lost the Word, he isn't nearly as tough as he was before. At least not compared to other angels still in the Bosses' good graces. Hey, I made a funny.
   Once those of us who were stupid enough, or deluded enough, made the decision to oppose the Will of the Word, it was pretty much a foregone conclusion. Michael and the rest just did the mopping up and we were gone.
   So we were cast out, or down, or choose your own adjective. What happened next may surprise some of you. As you already know quite a few set out to do what they could to make things miserable for mankind. You see that group blamed man for a lot of things. Much like a child who has been caught doing something wrong tries to blame someone else. So they spend their time corrupting those they can, trying to prove to the Word that they are not to blame, and should be allowed to come home. No big surprise that He isn't buying it.
   Most of the rest not causing trouble are pretty much just sitting around feeling sorry for themselves. Wailing, moaning, and making a lot of noise. Or are wandering around in a lost state of shock. Withdrawn and morose. Believe me as bad as the first crowd is, the last thing you want to do is somehow manage to grab the attention of either of these kind of guys. They are just itching to take out their frustrations on anyone or anything. No plan. No restraint. Just mindless fury. It can get very messy.
   Then there are the few like me that realized just how stupid they had been, and tried to make amends. And this is where it gets tricky.
   Humans have a savior. Someone to pay for the sins they commit. All they have to do is truly feel remorse for their short comings, repent, and ask for forgiveness and they can go straight to the head of the line. No ticket. No waiting. Just get on the ride and away they go.
   Angels don't get it so easy. You see, we weren't supposed to need a savior. We were brought into existence by the Will of the Word. Created perfect as instruments of His Will. To aid in the building and management of creation. And we exist in the Light of His Word. It lives within us. Even in those of us stupid enough to question the Word. For all of time we lived within that perfect clarity. Within the certainty of His thought. It was when He created man that things went a bit crazy.
       Now I can't speak to why Lucifer acted the way he did. Humans have some notion that it was through conceit or arrogance. You may not believe it but angels don't get to read each others minds. We might be able to do that to lesser beings, but not each other. All I can tell you is my reaction. I was jealous. Yep. That has to be the right word. Jealous. Here I was. A perfect being. Living in the Light of His Word. One of his right hand men, so to speak. And then He up and creates a being to be one with him. In his image. A being with a soul and free will. Who would be raised above me. After all this time, and all the work I had done I was being replaced!
Boy was I stupid.
      First off. Guess who also had free will? Yep. That would be me, and all the rest of the idiots. If we didn't, how could we even think of rebelling? If you don't have any choices than how can you make a choice? Got your head spinning yet? Then to make me feel even more stupid I forgot something. All this divine power. All this experience and wisdom and I forgot something. God is Love. Unlimited, all encompassing, immeasurable, Love. He created man AND angels to have someone to share that Love with. He loves everyone and everything, everywhere. All at the same time and all at once. So if it is immeasurable, how can he Love one thing more than another? You can't imagine how long it took me to finally realize that.
       And as for the soul part. Do you know what a soul is? It is a spark of creation. A bit of the Will and the Word. It gives life to man and allows him to share in the Love of God. And it lives on after the shell of flesh has perished, to "exist in the Light of his Word". Sound familiar? There are a lot of humans who have said that angels have no soul. But the truth is, that is all we are. We didn't need to live in the physical world and learn all of this first hand. We were given that knowledge right from the start. And some of us blew it. And some of us asked for forgiveness and are trying to get back home.
       Which brings me to my current predicament. You see as I said before, fallen angels do not have anyone to pay for our sins. We weren't supposed to need it. But the Word is merciful and gave us an out. Those of us who truly repent are born into the world of man, and work to do what we can to ease the misery caused by our fallen brothers and sisters. The catch? We pretty much have no powers at all in the physical world. The bodies we have are just as frail as anyone elses. We can get sick. We can get hurt. We age. And we die. If we have done enough to earn redemption then we get to come home and resume our former position. If not, well, let's just say none of us really want to know. But there is one caveat. If we are killed by another of the fallen, or due to their connivance, then we are born again into the world of man to try again.
       Now you might think then that the others would have no worry about bumping one of us off. Not so. You see once we are free of the physical shell, we are back on an even footing. With all our powers again. Hence my little comment about being more dangerous when dead. I may not be in the heavy weight division like Lucifer, but I can scrap with the best of the rest. So when one of us "misborn"(as they call us) is around, the "warts" (as we call them. Every try to get rid of a wart?) walk a little softer. 

[Quantus]

First off, Very Nice.  Intriguing premise. Catchy tone,  I think Im going to like this character.   

I have a question of context though:  is this a conversation somewhere in the middle or is this supposed to be the opening?  If its an opening, Id suggest a bit more of a local setting up front before you launch into so much of the world setting.  The tone is so conversational that I could do for some form of an image to attach the voice to, rather than the disembodied one that I get.  Even if its something as simple as: "As I lay there in the cold dirt feeling my heart beat its last, I kept thinking to myself, Im not suppose to be dead..."  Some sort of image, even if it doesn't have much in the periphery, to latch onto before I get hit with all that world framework.  Then you can give that long monologue and wrap it back into a "which brings me back to Im not supposed to be Dead..."  or some such.  That would wrap it nicely, or you may consider breaking up the explanation a bit more, thats a lot to hit a reader with right out of the gate without more, for lack of a better word, "physical" description to anchor to.

Another thing is that you start quite a few of your sentences with "you see" (six by my count) and it starts to get a little redundant.  I may be oversensitive to it, I have the same problem when Im explaining things (though I tend to use, "the thing is...")

As far as the setting goes, sounds awesome.  Have you considered how the Flood will fit into your mythos?  According to some texts, it was supposedly intended to wipe out the Nephilim, who were the half-breed children of the Grigori (the Sons of God that mated with the daughters of Man, mentioned in Genesis Ch6:1-4)  Im big on the historical research, so its just a thought, do with it as you will

Once again, very nice work, I look forward to more of this story, if you care to grace us with it (hehe, another funny)

[Torvaldr]

Thanks for the feedback. This is still a rough draft and I know I need to polish it a bit. Your suggestions will help me do that. After going back through it, reading it aloud to myself, I see what you mean on some of your points.

This is just the first monologue, not quite the opening scene. That is still being fleshed out into a rough. But I will post it as soon as I get it to the rough stage.

I'm glad you like it so far. I will be eventually making references to things like the Nephalim and Grigori, and maybe more. Don't want to give too much away. :-)

[thausgt]

First off, Very Nice.  Intriguing premise. Catchy tone,  I think Im going to like this character.

   

Seconded!

I have a question of context though:  is this a conversation somewhere in the middle or is this supposed to be the opening?  If its an opening, Id suggest a bit more of a local setting up front before you launch into so much of the world setting.  The tone is so conversational that I could do for some form of an image to attach the voice to, rather than the disembodied one that I get.  Even if its something as simple as: "As I lay there in the cold dirt feeling my heart beat its last, I kept thinking to myself, Im not suppose to be dead..."  Some sort of image, even if it doesn't have much in the periphery, to latch onto before I get hit with all that world framework.  Then you can give that long monologue and wrap it back into a "which brings me back to Im not supposed to be Dead..."  or some such.  That would wrap it nicely, or you may consider breaking up the explanation a bit more, thats a lot to hit a reader with right out of the gate without more, for lack of a better word, "physical" description to anchor to.

I agree with Quantus347. This is a very cerebral kind of opening for the story. It would work very well as the script for a voiceover, and makes several very important points. But what imagery was in your head as you wrote it? Was the speaker sitting comfortably at a table somewhere, telling the story to an otherwise ordinary mortal? Even if it's meant to be some kind of internal monologue delivered in the midst of the death, there should be some way for the reader to tie it into a context.

As far as the setting goes, sounds awesome.  Have you considered how the Flood will fit into your mythos?  According to some texts, it was supposedly intended to wipe out the Nephilim, who were the half-breed children of the Grigori (the Sons of God that mated with the daughters of Man, mentioned in Genesis Ch6:1-4)  Im big on the historical research, so its just a thought, do with it as you will

Next question: what is the actual setting? I get the sense that the action could take place anywhere on Earth, and at any point in history between the Fall and right now. The speaker's diction suggests modern times, but that could just be my interpretation.

Once again, very nice work, I look forward to more of this story, if you care to grace us with it (hehe, another funny)

Yes, please!

[Blaze]

I enjoyed that Torvaldr!  Can't wait to see where you go with it.  And in my case, I felt like the "Nebulous" tone was a voice over introduction as to whatever was going to come.  I tend to be visual when I read, so having that sort of setting-less broad brush beginning suits me.

[Tech L. Me]

This seems like a great idea, I don't think I've ever seen anything like it. It's a little rough in places, but I'm sure you will work it out. I can't wait to see where you go with this.

[Torvaldr]

Thanks again or the feedback. I am still working things out and hope to post some more in a week or so. The monologues come easy, and I know in a rough way what, where, and how things are happening. Those areas need more work to even be called a rough yet.

That first monologue, I am stuck on deciding if I want to actually lay the scene before or after it. There is a scene. But I kind of like laying the groundwork of the essence of the character first. But we'll see. It is set in current modern times, but there may be flash backs to previous eras. I haven't made up my mind yet as to how many physical lives this character may have had.

[Blaze]

You could always make it the forward.

[belial.1980]

Great premise!

(I'd worked on something similar awhile back, but it just didn't work--plan to come back to it some day)

The major critique I have--SHOW, don't tell. This is an interesting piece, but it feels like a discertation. The character's physical death launches the story, correct? Show us how he/she died. Make the first paragraph a graphic depiction of MC's physical death. It doesn't have to be gory, but make it visceral. Describe the copper-salty taste of blood, the cold feeling of limb's going numb, the hurt (or lack there of), they feel when the lights go out--that type thing. Does the character have enough self-awareness to realize what's happening? Are they smug? Scared? Angry?

SHOW the Fall. In a single well-crafted paragraph or two, show the readers what it felt like to fall like a shooting star and plunge into the Lake of Fire and crawl out onto the shores, seeing everyone you love most suffering immeasureably after the Fall. Details--blackened wings, armor melted to the bone, screams and the scent of burnt feathers, hair or flesh, the ever present smell of sulphur and smoke. And maybe your version of the Fall is different...either way, show us what it felt like.

I agree with an earlier post that this feels like a voice-over; I can imagine hearing this while watching action on a movie screen. As a writer, though, you don't have the luxury for visual references outside of what you craft upon the page. Again, great premise, and interesting ideas. If you break through the narrative and show the readers what's going on, I think this story can really take flight. (Pun fully intended.  )

Good luck! 

[Torvaldr]

Still working on it. But here is another piece of the pie.

   I was standing in the hazy gray twilight of the Veil. That nebulous limbo that stands between the physical world, and the spiritual realms of Heaven and Hell. If you look hard enough, you can see the world you came from, or catch glimpses of the other two. Just enough to either tantalize or repulse you. To give you peace, or drive you to madness. It is in this featureless place that the spirits that most people call ghosts dwell. Caught between places, belonging in none, longing for an end.
   As I looked around the familiar haze I watched a very familiar, and very substantial, figure walk towards me. He was rather informally dressed in what looked like dark brown slacks, white polo shirt, and comfortable black loafers. "Hi Tom, back again?" he said.
   I sighed and answered, " Hello, Gabe. Dare I hope that your being here means I get to come home?"
   He shook his head sadly. "While hope is one of His greatest gifts, and I try to encourage it as often as I can, I'm afraid not. In fact I am here for quite the opposite reason."
   "I'm being sent down?" I asked as an icy fear gripped me.
   "No! No, sorry I should have phrased that better. Actually He is rather pleased with you right now. No if things were different, I think He might even have brought you home this time."
   Relief flooded through me, like taking that first sip of hot coffee in the morning. "I truly have been trying." I said.
   "Yes. And He knows. But the situation you have become involved with is both important and delicate. One of Us can't become directly involved. Not without giving the other side more leverage. So He wants you to keep working on it. He has sent me to send you back, but not to be Reborn again. I am to send you back now." He told me.
   I was a bit startled at that. Normally when one of the Reborn is returned to Earth we start all over again. A new body, memories blocked away. We start life anew. He read the surprise in my expression.
   "Yes I know it is unusual. I was a bit surprised myself. But as I said the situation is unusual. So He is bending the rules a bit." He said.
   He turned slightly and raised his hand. A breeze came up, in a world of no wind, and the haze of the Veil parted. We looked through to the alley where my body laid, and I was caught in a moment of detached anxiety. The body is a tool. A physical house for the spirit and soul. It is not me. I look at the wreck of that house with trepidation. It was not in good shape. Being beaten with baseball bats and being tossed off a four story building will do that.
   "Are you going to fix that first?" I asked him, "Not sure how much help I am going to be in that condition. Unless this situation can wait several months of traction, followed by a dozen or more of physical therapy"
   His mouth twitched, and he almost smiled. "No. I am afraid we can't wait that long." He waved his hand again and I watched as broken bones set themselves, and torn flesh flowed together and sealed.
   "Try to keep yourself in one piece Thomiel. I am not sure that I will be sent to do this again any time soon."
   "Thanks Gabriel. Say hi to the Boss for me."

[Quantus]

I like it!  Its catchy, it concisely delivers the world mechanics without losing the pace or getting lost in exposition.  Something about Gabriel being dressed in business casual make me laugh more than it probably should 

One question:  If they get their memories wiped each time they get reincarnated, how does he know all the rules etc?  How is gabriel and  the haze of the Veil familiar to him? 

[Torvaldr]

That will be coming in another post. But in short, when they are Reborn all their memories of being an angel are repressed, and any memories of a former life(s) are also repressed. Those in the know call this "being asleep". Those who have regained, or opened those old memories are called "being awake". Usually if one of the reborn is killed, and they have not been judged "lost" and will be given a final outcasting, they have their memories repressed and locked away, and then are born again as an infant into a human family. As I said this is a short explanation. I will be fleshed out in a more detailed way later.

The image of Gabe dressed like that just came to me, almost like in a dream. It makes me laugh a bit too.

[Torvaldr]

New part

     You know, people make a lot out of the Fall of the Angels, and the Casting Out from Heaven. They write stories, poems, and songs, about the legions of Heaven locked in a titanic battle. Michael wielding a great flaming sword with great broad strokes, cleaving here and there, leaving carnage in his wake. Grappling with Lucifer at the end in a match straight out of Wrestlemania. Ultimate triumph with flaming wings and heavy impacts with the ground.

     But truthfully it was very quiet, less dramatic, more subtle, and terrible. Try to imagine having lived your entire life with a certainty of purpose. A voice and presence within you that guides your every thought and action. No uncertainty, no confusion. A flood of love and acceptance that encompasses the whole of your being. And in one horrific moment it is gone. The voice is stilled, and all that is left is emptiness. A deep, dark, endless plain of nothing. You can't even hear your own voice as you cry out. There is no light. No warmth. No love. A forever of cold, lonely night, with no stars or moon.

     Quite a few of us just went mad. In fact I am not sure that any of us were, or are, really sane anymore.

[DragonFire]

Hmm. I like it...I like the set up, I like the premise and I quite like the character.

I would like to know a little more about the plot, however.

[Flashand]

I made a rather large mistake a few eons ago and listened to a fella named Lucifer.

#1 error is the names of the fallen angels. Lucifer is litarally translated as liar and does not turn up in historical documents in the church until after Paul. ie you want Satan or Sin. Simple info, hard to get. You wouldnt want to be called by some one elses name either right? Also Not sure when Damien/on appeared but it is loosly translated as childlike behavior. (try hebrew/anchient)

Once those of us who were stupid enough, or deluded enough, made the decision to oppose the Will of the Word, it was pretty much a foregone conclusion. Michael and the rest just did the mopping up and we were gone.

Will of the word. The word of god is Jesus, are you sure this is the right concept you wish to depict?

   Angels don't get it so easy. You see, we weren't supposed to need a savior.

Only until the Messiah, ie Jesus, were angels unwashed into heaven. (? not sure if i am stating this correctly.) All others that become angels through thoughts and deeds this is the imperitive parts that the religiose forget to point out. They think you get it from the start.

       Which brings me to my current predicament. You see as I said before, fallen angels do not have anyone to pay for our sins. We weren't supposed to need it. But the Word is merciful and gave us an out. Those of us who truly repent are born into the world of man, and work to do what we can to ease the misery caused by our fallen brothers and sisters. The catch? We pretty much have no powers at all in the physical world. The bodies we have are just as frail as anyone elses. We can get sick. We can get hurt. We age. And we die. If we have done enough to earn redemption then we get to come home and resume our former position. If not, well, let's just say none of us really want to know. But there is one caveat. If we are killed by another of the fallen, or due to their connivance, then we are born again into the world of man to try again.

Right on the money on this one! good job!
//

Alright i read it good job i must say, and believe it or not you have to actually go to the Vatican to get the complete list of angels. They do have a book they do not allow it out. I am not sure if i got lucky when i was allowed to see it or not Good start though.