I wasn't ready for one of his massive hands to come flying towards my face.

     Even more shocking was the fact that his blow did not land. The air seemed to shimmer for a moment, then suddenly I was looking at Humbert’s back. As I watched, his body contorted impossibly and suddenly there was a huge mace in his hand, conjured out of nowhere and whistling towards my skull. Without thinking, I drew the Wildflower and parried the strike. Instead of the expected clang of metal on metal, I heard a sound like a million stringed instruments striking a discordant note. It unnerved me enough that I almost missed Humbert’s back stroke, barely raising the Wildflower in time to save my ribs from what surely would have been a crushing blow. Again and again he swung. I blocked all the blows until I started thinking about a counter-attack, and then a bruising down stroke struck a glancing blow to my shoulder. I fell heavily and rolled as the mace crushed the ground where my head had just been, raising the blazing Wildflower in front of me to ward off the next attack.
   Which never came. “You did well until now,” rumbled Humbert. “But you made a mistake. Do you know what it was you did wrong?”
   I slowly relaxed my guard and stared at the behemoth before shrugging my shoulders. “I don’t even know how I got this far.”
   “The Wildflower is a part of you, and you are a part of the Wildflower. Do not think about your next move. The Wildflower uses you as you use it. You falter when you try to bend it to your will, as it fails when harmony fails.”
   He lashed out with a vicious swipe that would have removed my kneecaps, but impossibly, the Wildflower sang in answer, blocking the blow. Humbert laughed gloriously. “AHA! He listens well!”
   I would’ve thought that riotously funny any other time, but the mace was speeding towards my face, so I stopped thinking about anything and let the Wildflower work it’s magic. Just when I was starting to feel pretty damn good about not getting smacked, Humbert’s mace attack stopped and he thundered a command as he held the mace in front of him. An unseen force blasted into my chest and flung me to the ground several yards away.
   “You’ve seen how the Wildflower protects you,” he shouted. “Now it’s time for you to use your magic to protect the Wildflower.” Humbert advanced slowly with the mace held stiffly out in front of him. I could see blue energy crackling up and down its length. Magic? What magic? I had no idea what I was gonna do.

Debbie and Andre were gone from their perch. So I was being followed.

Of course. It made sense that the King would want to keep an eye on me or maybe send some goons to fetch me to him. So far, the two soldiers seemed to be keeping their distance, so I was guessing that their mission was observe and report. A thought struck me as I watched the two disguised men walk by my alley slowly, heads swiveling back and forth as they searched the street for me. I was looking for a chink in the disguise, an imperfection or telltale sign that would alert me whenever I encountered a disguised person, but nothing disrupted the look of an average joe out shopping for lizard entrails or finger symbols or whatever the hell it was people bartered for here. My dilemma became one of not just watching out for these two. Unless I wielded the Wildflower, which I was sure would give me the light I needed to penetrated the disguises, I had no way to tell if anyone I saw was just a normal person or someone in disguise. What I needed was a good flashlight.
   I felt a weird tingling sensation over my whole body. You need no flash of light. They will not notice you now. It took me a few seconds of turning and looking around frantically before I realized that the Wildflower was speaking to me.

The door creaked open.

   It was black, black, black inside the doorway. I peered inside but couldn’t see anything. A disembodied voice lilted from inside.
   “Come in, come in. What ails the young master?” It was a beautiful voice, soft and smooth. I hesitated for a moment, and then another cramp gripped my insides like a vice. I considered firing up my trusty lightsaber, Wildflower. I started giggling. My trusty blade, Wildflower! My trusty steed, Silver! I giggled furiously as I stepped over the threshold, unable to help myself. The minute I crossed into the hut, the world around me changed.
   I was standing in a small, cozy  room. Soft light from what seemed hundreds of miniature hanging globes lit the interior like glowing motes of stardust. The room was dominated by a huge wooden table placed directly in the center of the room, surrounded on the floor by a spiraling line of sigils and runes radiating from the base of the table all the way to the walls. My eyes were drawn to some movement off to the side.
   My host was absolutely stunning. She was all woman, from the waist up. Beautiful firebrand hair caught up in a bun, lovely smooth skin the green-blue color of a stormy sea. Her four breasts were covered (if you can call it that) with a diaphanous material that closely matched the color of her hair, and complemented the bright green fur that covered the rest of her body. I was thinking caterpillar. Ten, maybe twelve segments composed her lower half, each with its own set of double jointed legs. She flowed towards me, red eyes glowing brightly.
   “Injured, young master? Are you hurt? D’Vaisa can help you, to be sure.”
   “Spider,” I slurred, unable to control the now copious amounts of saliva streaming from the corners of my mouth. Which got me to giggling again, which caused even more cramping. I moaned in pain and dropped to my knees, which put me about face to face with my lovely doctor.
   “I can help, young master!” She lifted me as easily as a child might lift a doll and flowed to the table. “Up you go! We have little time, so please lie still, young master.” She raised herself up, each segment lifting from the floor until she stood on five pairs of legs, and gently laid me on the table. I smiled, drooled and doubled up with the now excruciating pain coursing through every inch of my body. The healer left my sight for a moment and then returned, carrying a vial of orange, glowing liquid. She pulled the stopper and raised it to my lips. It burned its way down my throat as I lay convulsing on the table, and then the world dimmed, went dark, and the sound of the healer’s chanting slowly faded away as I passed out.

How could my survival be more beneficial to him than his own survival? Did it have to do with his wife? The Emporor's New Concubine? Then again, who knew except Andre and the hat?

   “Does it come off?”
Andre did not reply. He was staring off into the distance to the left, as if listening intently. I didn’t turn my head and look; it hurt too much. I asked the question again.
   “What?” he replied as his reverie broke. He scowled down at me like I’d interrupted something important.
   “I said, ‘does it come off’?”
   “Does what come off?”
   “The bracelet, you imbecile! Can you get it off somehow?” I managed to check my rising impatience. So far, rash action and heated words hadn’t really done me much good. See? I was learning.
   “If I could get it off, don’t you think I’d have done so by now?” His head swiveled to the left again. I could see him getting tense as his hands clenched until his fingertips turned white.
   “What is it?” I asked.
   “Quiet, you fool!” he whispered out of the side of his mouth. “Someone’s coming.” He slowly backed up until he was out of my sight. My eyes roamed my immediate surroundings; purple, green, and brown trees and grass, a hodgepodge of color set against what seemed to be a fairly normal sky. I heard something or someone off to the left, but again winced in pain as I tried to turn my head to follow the sound. I gotta say, I was scared; Andre, pain in the patookus he might be, was at least companionship and I wasn’t exactly at my fighting best here. I sat there shivering with fear when the bushes just above my head parted, and Debbie’s smiling face appeared.
   “Well, hello there, handsome! You look a little….” The happy expression on her face faded to one of concern. “What’s happened?”
   “Spider bite.” I replied.
   “That sucks.” She said with a grin. “Lookee what I found.” She was waving my lightsaber over my face.

He grinned a crocodelian smile, "Fine, oh ye of little thought." He pulled out a small knife, and within moments sliced the ropes that held me up."

   I started to mention something about the drop, but the malicious grin on Andre’s face stopped me. I suppose that since I did try to kill him, he was probably exacting a little revenge, and probably less than what I deserve. Which did not lessen the severity with which I cussed him out when the glutes hit the mud. It hurt like hell. I was furiously rubbing the sting out of my behind when Andre glided down from his perch and made a perfect landing next to me.
   “Thanks,” I said.
   “It was the least I could do after you destroyed our transportation, lost our companions, and lost the damn Key!”
   “The Key? What key? I don’t know jack about a key?” Once again, Andre had displayed a real talent for pissing me off.
   Right then, I felt tremendous pressure on my shoulders. I was spun around and Andre was suddenly in my face, so close that I was under the brim of his hat. His green eyes were suddenly glowing with an eerie orange light. In a very quiet, very scary voice he said, “The lightsaber IS THE KEY, you dolt!”
   I squirmed against his grip, until I realized that he wasn’t touching me. At all. “Oooookay. Sorry. Nobody told me! I’m a little out of my league here and no…”
   “A little out of your league,” he sneered. “A little….boy, you have NO idea how out of your league you truly are.” The unseen force gripping me by the shoulders forced me away from Andre, and deposited me once again ass first in the mud. Crap, I thought, I’m ruining the tissue passing for my pants. I stood up and made a futile attempt to brush myself off as Andre pulled his hat down over his now normal eyes again and crossed his arms over his chest; I was sure he was glaring at me with contempt. So without a word, I turned and marched into the forest, looking for signs of the broken chopper, Debbie, Reza, or the lightsaber, and not necessarily in that order. All the while I was wondering: If Andre could manipulate me physically, levitate, and do some generally cool magic stuff, why the hell was he so scared when I was gonna chop his head off? The lightsaber was indeed a formidable weapon, but I’m not exactly Luke Freakin’ Skywalker with the damn thing, and unless Andre’s instincts for self-preservation were astronomically slow, and I didn’t think they were, he should have been able to put up SOME sort of defense, shouldn’t he? Then again, maybe not.

"well, ok..." I winced at how meekly my voice came out. "but if I am bound to wildflower the realm, what does this stupid FX lightsabre have to do with this?" I waved a hand, swiftly of course, past the rather beaten-looking handle poking from behind my back.

   “It’s simply a sword,” said Debbie, but she wouldn’t look at me when she said it. I didn’t buy that for a second, but no one seemed forthcoming with an immediate answer. While I was waiting, a couple of other things went through my mind. One, I guess this made me Virgin King of the Universe. Two, I wouldn’t be producing any heirs to the kingdom anytime soon.
   I turned back to the lawyer, “Okay, we’ll leave the saber out of it, for now. But since I have the power, what is my purpose in life? Andre says Wildflower is the key to existence, but in what way? And what the hell is your name?”
   “Kansuchoshoreza,” she replied with a smile. “ but you can call me Reza. Wildflower is more than just power, Joey. It is knowledge and feeling and life all rolled into one. You don’t wield it; your ‘purpose’, if you wish, is to be wielded by Wildflower.”
   “To be wielded? In what way?”
   “Not in what way, in what form.”
   “Could you please be a little more cryptic, this is all way too straight forward for me.” Again, my withering stare and rapier wit was lost on present company. Well, maybe not the wit part, since they all laughed hysterically.

Anything that involves Barney getting wacked is appealing.....

Okay, either option didn’t sound good, especially if the ‘bonded’ person in question had to work with the floating stink bomb…

….who turned and guestured vaguely at my cell. The Grizzliess lurched forward and the door popped open. I considered bolting for about a millisecond; the bear brothers looked like they’d run me down before I could get anywhere. Besides, where the hell could I go?
 “Bye, Deb,” I called to her as the Grizzlies grabbed my arms in their jaws. “I’d say I’ll be seein’ ya, but the way things are going, that’s not likely, is it?”
    “I’m really sorry, Joey! I never thought it would come to this!”
   “You never thought, alright. I…”
The bear boys jerked me out of my cell before I could say anything else and drug me down the hallway. I struggled to keep my feet under me as they sped towards the entrance. I felt more than saw the floating goon behind me; of course, if I’d been blind it would have been impossible to miss the stench. The doors banged open and I was blinded by the sunlight. I could hear screaming and yelling, and growling and howling, which did not bode well for Joey-san, I was thinking. With the Grizzlies holding my hands I couldn’t shade my eyes. Then one of them let go and broke into a stumbling run up the stairs. I could see that the stairs I was on now were below ground level; although we were outside, we still had about fifty feet to go before I could see where I was at. I was sqinting up the stairs when Casper the Smelly whatever-he-was went zipping by, trilling a sing-song of twisted syllables. Then something came flying over the edge of the pit our stair was in; actually, several somethings. Big, pale yellow, eight legs, a human-ish torso, and long, green hair was all I had time to see before I was shoved to the ground. A huge, wet splash coated my back and neck. I knew it was blood. I could smell it. I rolled left until I hit the dirt sides of the stairway. I crouched there for a second debating whether to make a run for freedom as the battle raged, or head back to the relative safety and security of prison.