I think this draft is MUCH better. The secondary characters seem more in character, and all in all it makes the chapter seem more realistic.

I am wierd about this, so you might want to not listen to me, but when you use the word "punk" i expect the person to have a mohawk (as i used to), not wearing baggy pants and a bandana.

also, "iron clad fist"? i am not sure what you are going for there, but it sounds like he has gauntlets on (which i know he doesn't). you can change that or just clarify a little and it would be fine (i like the concept that it isn't just a punch to the face, but a punch OF DOOM).

all in all, good job and keep up the good work.

I agree with Roaram. it is a good start.

for the constructive critisism:

Like Roaram said, "gangster" sounds like you are from the 40's. Now adays "gangsters" have goons whack a guy. also, i would suggest thinking about what people say and do to keep them in character. i don't think that any gangstas will talk like that, they are definately more crass. also, when they are waiting around to cause trouble, an aluminum baseball bat is so inconspicuous that they wouldn't have it on them for fear of cops getting the wrong idea (justifiably). lastly, no thug will throw his knife (especialy a switch blade which is illigal and hard to get your hands on).

i think that if you have a clear idea of where your story is going in the long run, it could turn out to be really good. I like your writing style, and the idea is solid. before you go any farther i would suggest getting your idea for the grand scheme of the book down so you don't wander amelessly.

i hope you go on with it. it is a good idea that you should explore, and you got me hooked.

As far as outlines goes, and setting a book up to write, i am very methodical, and organized. i find this works best for me. the book i am writing took about 7 months to come up with all the information that i wanted in it.

fist i got down the world. everything from the countries, to the land formations, to the political structures, to what the resources and allies and enemies are for each country. i am not going to use it all in this book (mine will have multiple books in the series however) but "knowing is half the battle" and the information comes up on occasion.

then i got characters... all of them. i have added REALLY small characters since, but even the small characters got into the notes. this makes you think of the character and really form them as a real to life character. this info was just as detailed as the world info.

then i got a timeline down to go after (yes i already had the ideas, but putting them in an outline made it more feasible to write). once the timeline was done, i moved on to a scene by scene. this got the real details of each scene down so that once we started writing, we knew EXACTLY where we were going, and just had to "flesh out" what was already writen i the scene by scene.

being extremely organized in this process with forms for each thing helped immencely.

there were other things i put in the notes, but these are the most important ones.

this isn't for everyone, but it really does help...and i agree, go to the JB livejournal.

i just have one comment on your question, and hopefully it will help.

if you have a normal character that becomes extraordinary BECAUSE of a specific trait that he has (such as frodos moral fortitude), you should put that trait somewhere in his/her character entry action.

if your character is a normal person (or what-have-you) that a great responsibility has been thrust upon him/her for no other reason than that person is the lucky (or unlucky) lotto winner of what they get, their CEE should show what they are like as a person (even if this means showing how mind-numbingly boring of a person the character really is).

hope that helps.