Thanks so much for the feedback Meg!  It really gives me a lot to think about!

The words in the first few sentences really were chosen on purpose.  I wanted to give the unreal impression of what someone might experience when they wake up as a vampire.  I wanted to replay the character's last memory in his mind.

The tense issue isn't a problem through the rest of the book because it is ALL written in present tense, so the reader takes a ride right along with the main character.

What's funny is the whole "bringing you back to save you" thing really takes a major twist: the main character is an escaped convict who has just been shot by a policeman.  A vampire moves and decides to save him (and the reason why is explained later on in the book).

I'm glad I was able to shake up those brain cells.  I'm hoping that people get drawn into the story and really take off with it.   So far, I've had good reviews with people who've read it.

Thanks again!

JG

Here's the opening of my book.  It's a vampire story aimed at Adults.


     I awake in the frigid night air, the darkness glaring in my eyes, the silence thundering in my ears.  Everything feels different and new.  I lay on the stomach, my face pressed against cool, damp earth and there is a strange taste in my mouth, something metallic and pungent.
     The last thing I remember is running through this enormous campground; massive trees flashed by while my heart pounded in my chest and my breath - nothing more than ragged gasps.  Gunshots echoed through the night and fell heavily to the ground. Then, I saw him step out of the shadows to loom over me and my world dissolved in a blur of pain and darkness.
     Somehow, I can smell him, a mixture of soap, cologne, and … blood?  I know he is near, watching me.  "What did you do to me?" I growl as I rise slowly to my feet.  I look down at my stolen blood-stained t-shirt and finger the four small holes in the black fabric, just the right size for .38 caliber bullets.  I lift the shirt to examine my chest, but all I see is unbroken skin – no sign of an injury.
     "I saved you, brought you back.  From Death,” he says in soft, calm voice. 



I'd love to know what you all think.  I'm still not sure if the change of tense works in the second paragraph.

JG

Oh I've been reading Jim's writing tips and they're great!  (It's really cool to see some of them I've already been practicing!)     I hope to be able to spend more time here to get inspiration!

Thanks for the welcome!