try googling things like the military ranks, orders of knights, royalty, you can get them  just for just about everything. just print out an easy one, and switch terms out at will to make it cooler. also there are some great forieg to english dictonarys on the web, so you can type in a position like "atteche to the lord general" and get it spit out in latin or portugues or whatever. good tools, for names and everything. some of the more in depth will actually give you brief histories on the rank, and what it meant back in the day....

I really dig on the divinity angle for magic, I 'v been futzing with it for one of my own stories. and necromancy is never used enough as far as I am concerned.

my only concern is your description of the sorcery. I like the graphics description, the risk and the gain. even the total commitment to perfect concentration has a good amber resonance. BUT, instantly calling it the strongest? no limits other than your imagination and willpower? so, if I got this right, anyone who is stubborn, creative, and focused, can just auto trump gods? (three year olds can be awfully willfull and creative.....) maybe a little limitation would be a good thing.... that way your MC can't just become a god and bring everyone back from the dead with a riverdance if he WANTS it bad enough...

Well, I really agree you will never get away from the other harry, ever. might as well make a high school story and hope you get away from sixteen candles....

but I like the idea. I think a story set in school is something most of us can touch base with. even the rough patches. I know you said you got the plot, but I just gotta beg you please no world ending crap. check out the movie "brick", a very well done detective nour flick set in a high school. I'm just saying I would never pick up a book about a semi-harry fighting lord volder-not. I would read a story about someone stopping the head of theta house from magic-roofying the local mundy girls......

which brings me to the everyday situations from high school. play with the book worm angle. every group of people always breaks itself into subgroups, class systems, cool kids and not.
and plenty of these kids don't want to be just their class. I mean, I knew plenty of girls who wanted plastic surgery, or had other problems having to do with self image. are glamour spells a disorder? there was a steroid ring busted up at my school. is there a spell for that? does everyone know that so and so has a glock wand in their locker?

and what does bullying look like when an adolescent knowitall can wipe the floor with a football team?

and how does morality get mussed when your a teenager with magic powers? I mean, how easy is theft when you can make yourself invisible? do mundy people matter? and what can a teacher do against a drive by hexing? casuse the local pd isn't gonna be much use.

basically my suggestion is just look at school life, and ask what would happen if magic got invvolved.

and your characters are all gonna have to ask themselves when do they run for help, and when do they handle it themselves, just like the rest of us. 

(by the way, most of my teachers were bored tired and underpaid, and didn't much care about kids unless they were gonna get nailed, how different is your world?)
 

I am an aspiring writer, and have been reading every article that I can get my hands on aboout what new writers do wrong. I have seen many article that say don't tell show, beware the info dump, and don't jump point of view too much or eratically.

And I get it too. The problem is, as I see it, all my favorite Authors change point of view. now I see info dumps and say "yeesh", and I notice when the writing retreats into blurred motion, when I would love to see the action (even Jim sometimes) but the POV I don't get.
I was wondering if anyone had professional examples or knew where to get them of awell written scene(s) vs the same scene done poorly?  I just want examples, either from a publisher or published writer so I know what not to do, thanks.

To be perfectly honest, this type of story is just not my speed. the magic mixed with high tech usually just messes with my head.

that said, I enjoyed it. I think there was too much talking about whhat happened after it happened. like the battle ended with the golem swinging a tank tread. And while I do really enjoy the fact that you used non-standard creatures, like Golems and homoculi, I think your average reader will need a little more explaining right off the bat about what they are exactly. Like is your golem an earth elemental, or a unfeeling monster bent on destruction that can't be destroyed? I liked the hexers, and that its not an exact science, although I think it would be cooler if they were normal and not dressed like 80's techno punks.

mostly I would suggest tightening your POV and whatnot, and make the flow better. but otherwise good rough draft

not ruined at all, I just like the sense of mystery, like that he doesn't really know everything about what's going on.

the teaser page just enforces this, and intrigues me more.

Still very intrested. if you need another test reader or anything I would be happy to help. or I will just keep responding

haunted mesa is my favorite,

depends on the friendship, I suppose. but I have been in the situation of having no time to wrtie, and making it a social event help get me focused. it didn't work the first couple times, sure. But eventually it did, and my friend who writes with me now is invaluable. I literally could not do it unless he helped. maybe now I could. maybe. but then? not a chance. I was that guy that had thirty beginings to stories, and could tell you the rest, but never got anything down on paper after chapter two.
my friend works as an editor for me. telling me what wasn't good, what to wrtie next. keeps me focused on actually wrting. plus when we get blocked, we chat about life and girlfriends and what not. and we argue. last night we got yelling mad over a description point that bore no relation to the story and the reader wouldn't notice. but that helps too, in the long run.

I am just saying some of us writer types have a lot of fun day dreaming, and a little push (or out right goading) might be needed to make us pick up a pen. I know I did.