ParanetOnline
McAnally's (The Community Pub) => Author Craft => Topic started by: Ursiel on December 06, 2007, 04:55:34 AM
-
I've been working on a story for about a month now. I am now working on the third chapter. Tell me your opinion about them. I have the first two chapters' links posted below:
http://battlegnome.deviantart.com/art/Chapter-One-68279632
http://battlegnome.deviantart.com/art/Chapter-Two-68287156
I know they suck but it's a working progress DX
-
Nah - I wouldn't agree that they suck. I think they're pretty good... much better than some of the drivel I hear recited at my biweekly writer's group, and those people are all grown ups!
They do need some editing, though, of course. But that's no big deal. Try to work on your "show me don't tell me" skills. You've got a really good start in this area already, but I noticed a couple of things like, "They were disgusting, that was the only word to describe it." Well, what's disgusting to you and what's disgusting to me might be two different things. Disgust me and let me realize for myself that they are disgusting.
This is toward the end of the second chapter,... "Mortals were idiots sometimes (I’m half idiot)." Awesome! I'd like to see that more at the front of the first chapter.
You've got GREAT action, an interesting scenario (although a little too close to JB for a JB fan to not think you're mimicking him), yet some interesting details that seperate you from him. Can't wait to see Mike get caught between a rock and a hard place when he's working a case during 'that time of the month' and has to stop and chain himself to the wall.
Ooo, you've also got a great voice for your protagonist, good personality, viable weaknesses, and a wonderful manner of describing the scene. This is talent that deserves honing.
Keep up the good work, it will only get better as you keep revising and smoothing it out.
-
I liked it!
A few things i liked were: No invincible worldending super powers. And genuine (at least perceived that way) weaknesses. You've got the half demon angle working, and the big weakness for that is it can be that time of the month for mike. What are his benefits from that though? Fire breath? Super strength? Or is it just enhanced senses and a poor temper? That would be fine too though. You just need to establish that, maybe in the third chapter, quick action scene maybe? Just a little taste of what makes him different. I did like that he carries a gun, however he should know what kind of gun it is. Anyone who carries a concealed weapon on them, knows what they're packing. Besides, if he doesn't know what caliber it is how does he buy ammo for it? Go to a gun website, or a gun store, and drool over the shiny tools of death, then pick one that fits your idea of your character.
For instance: I have a human character, in my novel, who uses two 1911 Colt .45's that were his grandfather's when he was in WWII. It fits my character, because he is big, loud, strong, and reliable, all qualities of the 1911.
(By the way his name is also Micheal)
What is Mike?
Keep up the good work!
-
Aw man. The beginning alone had me. I liked it. Could use editing like most things but generally I dug it. Demonic chickens are definitely different. And funny. ;D
-
I feel bad that I put off reading this for so long! loved it
needs a little editing (but that's already been stated). And it's very much your own style. I admit the first few paragraphs I was like "this is very dresden files-y" but you broke away from that fast