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McAnally's (The Community Pub) => Author Craft => Topic started by: Philliph on September 14, 2009, 08:09:09 PM
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WHARRRGARBLE.
i deleted everything.
can this topic be deleted at all?
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Was it too much?
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Too much to look at while I'm at work. Others probably think something similar.
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I trimmed it.
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It might also be a bit of a put-off for people reading that you're unwilling to read anything on your own to help with the writing. Most of what people would likely say, at least on the technical side of writing, is what you'd find in most books, blogs, etc. On Writing addresses one thing you do a lot with dialogue tags. Most of the dialogue has grammar problems, and there are several unnecessary adverbs. As for commenting on the actual content, it can sometimes be difficult to know what to comment on without a clearer idea of what you're looking for, aside from wanting it to be more "cool." As well as it being the third chapter and having no idea what's come before, and why you think it needs help.
My opinions, only, other people might feel otherwise.
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2 critical comments about the first section.
I think there are a couple lines out of order.
“Can we take any pets with us?” He asked, ignoring Wesley’s question. He thought the question requested of him was rather absurd, but then his mother explained it to him saying ‘Yes, as long as they don’t eat much food and they are small enough to fit in the wagon with you without taking much space.’
“…Yes” Wesley responded as if the redundancy of the question was just as apparent to him as it was to Ranulf.
“May I bring my cat? His name is Sleuthe.” Ranulf asked. Wesley glanced down at the cat sitting by Ranulf’s feet and nodded.
Might should read:
“Can we take any pets with us?” He asked, ignoring Wesley’s question. He thought the question requested of him was rather absurd, but then his mother explained it to him saying ‘Yes, as long as they don’t eat much food and they are small enough to fit in the wagon with you without taking much space.’
“May I bring my cat? His name is Sleuthe.” Ranulf asked. Wesley glanced down at the cat sitting by Ranulf’s feet and nodded.
“…Yes” Wesley responded as if the redundancy of the question was just as apparent to him as it was to Ranulf.
2. The transition from 3rd person omniscient (?) to first person is awkward to read.
But I like the story! I like that the main character's name is Ranulf, (There is a cat-human character in Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn with that name), and I like that Ranulf has a cat that changes forms. FUN! The dad's humility but willingness to use his status for his son is neat. I like it, in general.
For the Chapter 4 excerpt I'd make 3 changes.
"What's going on?" I thought. <-- quotes Otherwise it has 2 different meanings.
1. What's going on? as a reflective statement and then the character thinking. This is probably nto what you intended.
2. The character thinking to himself "What's going on?" which is much more logical.
I'd also remove the word odd from your "odd reason" sentence. Personal prefernece there, though. I just think it would read better.
There were seven people in front of me wearing black velvet robes, seemingly guarding the one in the middle, with the six ‘guards’ in front of the guarded.
I would write:
There were seven people robed in black and arranged so that six stood in a line in front of the seventh, seemingly acting as a guard.
Starbeam mentions the book "On Writing" and it's a great read even for people who only write emails (me). Also heed Starbeam's advice on the dialogue tags. They make a huge difference.
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I have the book called "On Writing" by steven king. Perhaps i should open it and read.
Well, i am just asking for help on these things so i can use the 'correct' way to write as an example for the rest of my writing.
Starbeam, i have reread it, its just that revising has gotten so tiring, and i have done it so many times this morning that it has no meaning to myself today when i do so. i just wanted some outside opinions.
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This place is starting to turn into a workshop all of a sudden lol.