Automata, chapter 1

[Ambassador of Odd]

Need input.

I'm sorry I had to remove this, but because it's the website of an author, we can't post anything that might be construed as a story idea. I realize this isn't normally what Jim writes...but Jim's also going to write something completely different after his next Alera book.

If you want to post a link to it elsewhere, that's fine, as far as I'm concerned.

Again, apologies for the deletion, it's to protect everyone involved, including you, not just Jim. (You're not in trouble in the slightest, btw.) -Mickey

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This is a rough draft, and will likely get changed a lot.  The main characters of the book are going to be other Automata sent to find Grandfather. No more full-scale battles.  None of the characters in this chapter really matter.  Basic background that will be revealed in the next chapter includes info on the war between the Enclave, a militaristic organization of humans, and the Automata, as well as some info on Grandfather, the man who made the Automata races. 

[Roaram]

To be perfectly honest, this type of story is just not my speed. the magic mixed with high tech usually just messes with my head.

that said, I enjoyed it. I think there was too much talking about whhat happened after it happened. like the battle ended with the golem swinging a tank tread. And while I do really enjoy the fact that you used non-standard creatures, like Golems and homoculi, I think your average reader will need a little more explaining right off the bat about what they are exactly. Like is your golem an earth elemental, or a unfeeling monster bent on destruction that can't be destroyed? I liked the hexers, and that its not an exact science, although I think it would be cooler if they were normal and not dressed like 80's techno punks.

mostly I would suggest tightening your POV and whatnot, and make the flow better. but otherwise good rough draft

[Ambassador of Odd]

Thanks, Roaram.  I wouldn't have messed with POV on my own, but since you point it out, it does need some tweaking. 

@Finn: Fair enough.

[Mickey Finn]

BTW, if there are othe examples of posting stories that the mods have missed, please let us know. Again, no one's in trouble, we're just trying to avoid messes like what happened to Mercedes Lackey. (Not an identical case, just an example.)