Author Topic: My Opening... please comment  (Read 2972 times)

Offline Aerhen

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My Opening... please comment
« on: December 13, 2006, 02:05:20 AM »
I finally did it.... I wrote an opening to the book i want.. and it might work...

could i get some comments... please....

Death is  only a beginning.  Those were the words that Bevon had said to him before he had gone to his eventual death against his brother Bualla. With his passing, the War of Ascension had been brought to a close.  And though Bualla had so callously taken his brother's life more than three millenia ago, Caleb was still no closer to understanding what Bevon had meant by those words.

Shaking those thoughts from his mind, Caleb reigned in his horse.  He was on a hill just beyond the eastern edge of Caravan's Rest.  Sitting still for a moment, he observed the small town that was the last outpost for caravans leaving the Dutchies to go toward the Counties to the north.
 
Caleb looked thoughtfully toward the small town and wondered. Was anyone aware that this city  would soon be changed forever?  Could anyone feel the strands of the Weave drawing closer to their lives? 

In his unnaturally long life,  Caleb had met few who could sense warp and the weft of the tapestry.  Most were happily oblivious to the greater currents and events that occasionally surfaced to guide the lives of men, but he was not such a one.  Not only could he see these currents, but he could feel them, call them to himself, and impose his will upon them altering the flow of everything around him.  It was a gift that had earned him many names over the years: Thread-Bearer, the Gray Wanderer, Caleb the Undying, but the one that best described him, the one that he hated more than any other was The Voice of the Lady.  And it was not that he hated the Lady, or what She bade him do, but that he hated the results.

You see, there were forces in the world that most could not see, and if they could, they would wish every day of their lives for their ignorance to return.  When these forces set their will upon this world, She would intervene.  For those who walked upon this world were special to the Lady, and though She would not directly interfere, She would put Her will upon those who could.  She would lift the veil and let them see, and the rest was their decision, and though She would force their eyes to be open, that was as far as She would go, after that all was left upon them.

 From deep within, Caleb knew that the veils were soon to be parted.  He could feel it for his gift was stirring within him, and Her Voice was growing in his mind.  Yes, tonight was the night, and this was the place.

Caleb shook the reigns and his horse continued forward. As his mount sauntered toward the city, a tower could be seen off in the distance.  And as the sun dipped below the horizon, the edifice was not bathed in the orange hue of the setting sun, but rather in was enveloped in deep azure. No, there was no mistaking this. Blue was the color of the Lady.  She had set the Place. Now all he had to do was await the Time.


Thanksa!!!!!!!!


Offline Danielle/Evie

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Re: My Opening... please comment
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2006, 10:16:03 PM »
wicked cool idea!!!
now...please don't hate me.  :P
The first paragraph...nice opening sentence. The problem in the beginning, I think, is so much information in only three sentences. I had to go back and re-read it before I could put all the facts in order. Actually, as far as I could see, that was your main problem. You can be patient with your information....the most important (and this is perhaps totally wrong of me) information seems to be who Caleb is, what he does, and his contemplation of what is to come. The beginning, where you say "death is only the beggining" and talk about Bevon and Bualla and the War..this seems interesting, but you just suddenly drop it. If that information is really important, I would suggest either using it to lead into Caleb's contempation of the small town or take it out from the begging and indroduce it later at a time you can devote specifically to that.
Oh...should the tapestry be capitalized? I just noticed you capitalized the Weave, and then used tapestry to further explain the "greater currents and events".
Yeah....and what I said before: i think you should just be patient with your information. Don't rush to include everything as soon as possible. It can confuse, and sometimes even bore, the reader.
All in all though...I'm really curious as to what the actual story is about! Caleb seems like a cool character, and the whole idea seems neat.
I hope I helped a little...
Good Luck!!
Life isn't particularly fair.
But that doesn't mean we won't survive it.