OK, here it goes. Brace yourself.
After a little work on my latest toy in the garage, a 1969 Camaro with more rust than paint, it was off to Jennet’s office in Midtown.
1) Don't play the Hunt-for-the-verb game with the reader. In this sentence, the verb is the 21st word! It needs to be somewhere near the beginning. (Mark Twain used to make fun of the German language for being "impolite to their verbs" by putting them last in subordinate sentences...)
2) Put the action into verbs. NOT "a little work" but "He/I worked"
(-ing phrases aren't the solution here. They can be useful occasionally, but be aware that they make the described activity sound very minor. "After working on" does not sound much more "active" than "After a little work on.")
Possible revision:
Until noon/For the next few hours I worked on my latest ... 3) Avoid impersonal expressions like: it was off to. Make the acting person subject of your sentence. Use strong, precise verbs.
Possible revision: ...
then I cleaned myself up and hurried over to Jennet's office is stronger & more precise than "He walked over to Jennet's office."
Characters need to be seen acting. They can't do that if their actions are described in nouns, -ing phrases, or impersonal expressions starting with "it" or "there was."
Jennet Badeau is my favorite client. Aside from the fact that she gives me more work than any other regular client in the city, always pays on time, and always leaves her door open and cracks a window whenever I am in her office on account of my thing about closed in spaces, she is very easy on the eyes.
4) "Aside from the fact that" -- Avoid empty set phrases like these. Lawyers might talk like this; writers shouldn't. The sentence loses no content whatsoever if you delete this phrase, but gains clarity and directness.
Same with: "on account of my thing about closed in spaces"
change to:
because she knows I hate closed spaces.5) Important actions or statements should never be buried in subordinate clauses, nor in long sentences (like here.) Give important ideas a short sentence on their own, so they can shine.
possible revision --
Oh, and she is very easy on the eyes. Jennet’s dark blond wavy hair is almost perpetually up in some kid of bun or pony tail which makes her look even younger than she is, and her smooth rounded features give her a serene, peaceful look with bright, warm brown eyes and little dimples when she smiles. And at just over six feet with her heals (heels) on, she is taller than most of the men, judges and lawyers alike, she has to deal with. For a tall woman she has curves that not even the most severe pantsuit could hide. Basically she is a top notch babe, and yes, I totally have the hots for her.
6) Get the details right! Two details about her description (first sentence) seem impossible to me. A bun makes a person look older, not younger. If she wears her hair in a bun, how can it be wavy? Imho, not even in a pony tail can it look wavy.
7) Don't use the name "Jennet's" when you can use the pronoun: Her.
8 ) Avoid too many adjectives, as in: dark blond wavy hair. Possible revisions: "Her wavy blond hair" (this order!) or "Her dark blond hair"
9) Sometimes, "is" is just the word you need, but description of a person or place can all too quickly sound passive/static, so try to liven it up by using stronger verb than "to be" such as "fell down to her shoulders" or "cascaded down" or "framed her oval face" or something like that.
(Warning: Do NOT replace ALL "to be" verbs with other verbs. The result can become quite unreadable. As with all things, it's the dosage that counts.)
10) Avoid expression like: a little, kind of, almost, very. They weaken your sentences and sound like sloppy writing. Say what you mean, not what you "almost mean."
She shot me a dorky smile, made an “ooof” sound when she picked up a heavy file box, and just like that she was a regular person again instead of a vicious calculating megabitch.
11) Tell things as they happen -- in correct order.
She first picks up the file box, then makes an oof sound, right? It sounds awkward the wrong way round.
12) "make an oof-sound"
three problems here: i) It sounds like elementary school writing (sorry. The rest doesn't, so it really is out of place.) Find a real English word for what you mean.
ii) Show, don't tell. Show us through description that the file box is heavy, not by telling us that it's heavy. She could sway or pant or whatever.
iii) The pov-character can't really know it's heavy. OK, it's a file box, but HE isn't experiencing the heavyness himself, so telling us it's heavy is also a glitch in point of view.
13) Tighten your prose. Be straightforward. Don't use five words when one can do the job. A verb is more powerful than a wordy construction where the action is hidden in a noun. Stephen King says about the process of revising (quoted from memory), "Imagine you get $100 for each word you cut."
She shot me a dorky smile = She smiled.
14) Strong nouns are better than weak nouns. Strong nouns don't need adjectives. Adjectives weaken strong nouns. Megabitch is a strong noun. It should stand on its own.
Hope some of these suggestions help. Good luck with your revision!
