New/Old Story Aspiring writer

[kero319]

I wrote this "chapter 1" about a year ago, but was caught up in other aspects of life. I just found it going through My Documents. Anyways, let me know what you think. Obviously, its a little amateur, but I'd like any constructive criticism
Thanks

-Alex

Edit: New draft and prologue below

[Roaram]

this chapter one hooked me pretty good. if this was the teaser page I might pick up the book. I really like the last line, how your character doesn't what he did, but did know he could do it.
If you have any more chapters or story, I would really like to read them.

on the constructive critisism front, I personally don't care for the opening paragraph. too much foreshadowing, and unless pshycic ability is what you are going ffor, too prophetic. Also, I think it sets up a more ominous threat than the badguys present for your guy.
the dialogue is rough, but easy patched. let the muggers swear, or make lewd comments. something natural for the rougher types. and when "kale" refers to them as gangsters, he sounds like he's  in the 40's. maybe use newer terminology like gang-bangers or wannabe toughs. other than that all I would suggest is during action sequences try getting a reader to describe or act out what you just wrote, if they get it right, great if they loook silly or wrong, clean it up.

constructive critisism done. I just want to say you  got me intrested, and I don't like most urban fantasy. I hope this helps, and I hope this wasn't to foreward or just not cool of me to say.

[kero319]

Thanks for the ideas/criticism! and no your not being to foreword, im looking for straightforward criticism anyways.

Um, hope this doesnt ruin what you liked about it, guess i should clear it up in next draft. Kale knows what he did, but doesn't know how he's able to.

This was my all out first draft, so after a few more comments, if i get any, im gonna go ahead and rewrite it.

Edit: Prologue in post below

[Roaram]

not ruined at all, I just like the sense of mystery, like that he doesn't really know everything about what's going on.

the teaser page just enforces this, and intrigues me more.

Still very intrested. if you need another test reader or anything I would be happy to help. or I will just keep responding

[azjayp]

I agree with Roaram. it is a good start.

for the constructive critisism:

Like Roaram said, "gangster" sounds like you are from the 40's. Now adays "gangsters" have goons whack a guy. also, i would suggest thinking about what people say and do to keep them in character. i don't think that any gangstas will talk like that, they are definately more crass. also, when they are waiting around to cause trouble, an aluminum baseball bat is so inconspicuous that they wouldn't have it on them for fear of cops getting the wrong idea (justifiably). lastly, no thug will throw his knife (especialy a switch blade which is illigal and hard to get your hands on).

i think that if you have a clear idea of where your story is going in the long run, it could turn out to be really good. I like your writing style, and the idea is solid. before you go any farther i would suggest getting your idea for the grand scheme of the book down so you don't wander amelessly.

i hope you go on with it. it is a good idea that you should explore, and you got me hooked.

[kero319]

Thanks for the ideas guys. Posting second draft below
I took off the old draft, so it won't be a pain to scroll down or anything.

Second draft and prologue together in right order:

Prologue

Rain. It can mean a lot of things. It can mean rebirth, life. It can mean death, final moments. It’s amazing what omens one thing can represent. For me it represents both. That night was both my death, and my rebirth. I found my way out of oblivion that day, only to be lost in this metropolis.

Lightning lit the darkened sky, bringing the foreboding silence before the thunder strike. No moon was to be seen that night, only clouds and the occasional bolt.  Rain, long and thin bullets, fell down around me. I was on my back, a tree to the left of my vision. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. I felt a large cut on the left of my back, in between my shoulder blades. My knees were cut up, my hands covered in road burn. I couldn’t see out of one eye, soaked hair blinding me. I realized I was naked except for the rain, nature’s cold blanket. My whole body ached, almost as if I had fallen from the tree above me. Had I?

The only sounds were of rain and thunder.  I struggled to lift my body up. The cold rain, almost sleet, were like tiny daggers against my bare back. I managed to roll over and life myself up on all fours. On the wet cobblestones, I saw puddles of not only water, but blood. My blood.

For some reason the thought of me bleeding struck me as insane.  In fact, in the back of my mind, this whole situation was insane. Well…of course it was. But it was stranger in the fact that I was experiencing it. If there was one thing I knew, it was that this should not be happening to me.

But what was happening to me?

I fought the stiffness and cold, and brought myself up on one knee, as if I was proposing to the darkness. In the distance, the orange glow of streetlights  gleamed in the shadows of the storm. Even farther were tall masses. Skyscrapers of some city. What city? I had no idea.

I staggered up, and limped down to a pond to my right. I looked into the black water, its surface disturbed by the continuous rain. My reflection, anything but clear, showed me one thing.  A blue in yellow glow extended to the left of my reflection, but as I looked behind me, nothing was there to generate it. That was when the rain stopped.

Lightning struck the tree behind me, thunder boomed in unison with the cracking trunk, but it didn’t distract me. I was unable to look away from my now-clear reflection. What I saw changed my life. Because extending from my right shoulder, there was a great, glowing, transparent wing.


Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Scene 1
   
   Footsteps echoed off the walls as we walked down the stairs. The blinding lights did nothing to light up the place. Graffiti was all over the whitewashed walls, and the concrete floor was covered in grime. It's hard to find a place that makes one so uncomfortable.

   My long hair whispered in the wind as a train further off sped down the tracks. Tori walked beside me. She wore her usual attire of jean shorts and a tank top, despite the cold weather we’d had. I wore a more appropriate dark jacket and a green shirt underneath.

   We kept walking. Down the stairs, we passed a scruffy looking old man leaning against the wall. Past the booths, a group of wannabe toughs wearing matching colors sat casually on a bench and against some railing, watching us as we walked by. Gangs. I hate subways. They're the meeting place for trouble.
   
   Tori made a subtle change in pace as we passed the members, and I kept step with her. I saw out of the corner of my eyes some movement. Footsteps still echoed, but now there were many more. We got to the right station and quickly took place near the entrance area. The subway hadn't come yet, and you could hear the distant trains in the background.

“Hey bro!” A voice called out
“Wha-?”

   As I turned around, a fist slammed against my face, and I was thrown to the floor. One of the gangsters was standing over me, brass knuckles covering his fist. The others were gathering around Tori. They must have been after her purse, or maybe her jewelry.

"Back off!” Tori shouted. None of the pedestrians in the station were about to do anything, and I don't blame them. No doubt the punks had guns.

"You get up, and the lady gets stuck," he threatened.
"Kid, you really shouldn’t be doing this," I said coldly, glaring at him, still on the ground.
“Haha, oh really, why shouldn’t I?” He responded, blatantly inviting himself to what was to come.

“Because,” I said, getting up into a crouch. “You might get hurt.” The gang banger never saw my legs swing out. I caught him right behind the knee and brought him down.

The sickly crack of bones breaking, and the man’s groans brought the other men's attention to me. I heard a gun click, and a knife slide out of a switchblade. I knew it. They moved forward away from Tori. Her eyes were wide with terror, and she backed up to the wall next to the stairs, presumably for a quick getaway if needed.

I know I should avoid things like this. Then again, that would be boring, wouldn’t it?

“Come on fellas, lets not do this,” I said, putting on my best fake smile. “You don’t want to fight, do you?”
"Hell yeah we do." One in the back remarked. Cliché.
“Let’s get this mutha.”

Without hesitation, one charged me. He was pretty tall, so I ducked into his legs, and he flipped over me, onto his back. He reached out to grab my own leg, but I brought my left foot down on his fingers.

I saw a silver flash behind me and quickly ducked as a ironclad fist swung inches away from my head. One had circled around to flank me while I was taking care of the other. I rose up and uppercut his chin. He flew up. Quite literally. His back crashed against the ceiling, and then fell back to the ground, dust floating down on him. I saw the look on the other guys' face, and recognized the expression.

“Shit!” The one with the broken leg shouted
“What the hell, Tyrael, lets get out of here!” Another cried
“Quiet, Leaf, get him,” Tyrael said, obviously the leader of the pack.
“Got it!” Shouted the youngest, Leaf.

The kid ran at me, a switchblade in his hand. He closed the distance and began slashing the air aimlessly, the flailing motion all to easy to dodge. Without particular effort I grabbed his wrist, holding it in place,  and swung my other fist into his gut. He flew back. All the way back. His body slammed into the far wall, about 20 yards away, and his head slammed into the wall with a pronounced snap. He slid down into an unnatural sitting position, a comical look on his face.

"Christ, man! We can't take this guy." The last man said as he grabbed Leaf off the ground.
"Y-you’re right, let's get out of here!" Tyrael said as he slowly backed up. He turned around quickly and ran up the stairs. The man hauled the teen onto his shoulders, and as he stumbled away, the kid looked right at me, wonder in his eyes. Or maybe it was the concussion.

"Kail, let's go!" Tori was over by the tracks, and the subway started to roll in. We quickly climbed aboard, pushing through the crowd, before any of the passengers could get off and see what mayhem we had caused.

We got to another car just in time, and we sat down. The other passengers in the car hadn't seen what happened, so they didn't pay any attention to us. We sat down, and catching our breaths, Tori laying her head on my shoulder. We stayed that way for several minutes until Tori broke the silence.

"Kail, you did it again." Tori whispered to me.
"I can't help it, you know that." I whispered back
"Listen, you have to be more car-"

Just then, the drifter we had seen earlier came into our section. He quickly spotted us and shoved his way through the people standing up.

"Son! How'd you do that out there!?!" That was AMAZING!" He said, much too loudly.
"Umm...sir..."
"What was that kid? Some kind of  martial arts I reckon. I mean wow! How'd you do it?"
"Sir, I don't know what your talking about,” I lied, wanting attention off of me.
He frowned at me for a moment. Just then the train stopped at our station, and I grabbed Tori and pulled her off the train before the man could ask anymore questions. Tori gave me a gloomy look, knowing what I was feeling.

The sad thing was, I couldn't answer how.
 

Let me know what you think!

Thanks again for the support guys. Really, it means alot that people are taking the time to read all this.

P.S. if anyone has anything they want read, let me know. I know it can help the writer, and it can help give me ideas too.

[Kali]

1) Ditch the prologue.  You don't need it.  It reads like you're writing it to show off some pretty prose, and it's misplaced.  If you want the info in the story, you'll find the right place for it in the rhythm of telling your tale.  Start with Chapter 1, the incident in the subway.  Keep telling your story, and trust yourself.  You'll convey what needs to be conveyed without having to resort to artificial things like prologues, the dreaded flashback, or "As you know..." conversations.  Someone, somewhere, at some point in your story is going to need to know that information, is going to already know it and tell it to someone else, or your hero is going to need to explain it to make someone understand something about himself.  Leave the concepts until then, and, as they say, kill your babies.  It's pretty prose, but it's a waste of time when you need to get things moving.

And trust your readers to pick up on the bits and pieces and put them together in the right order.  We'll get what your hero is and what his deal is, if you're doing your job at all, without needing a block of info at the beginning. 

In general, save prologues for things like "Here's the scary murder happening!  Now let's go meet our hero in chapter one..."

2) Go through and cross out every word that ends in -ly, then re-read the sentence/paragraph without the adverb and see if it still makes sense and conveys what you want it to.  If it doesn't, try re-wording it.  For example:
"Kid, you really shouldn’t be doing this," I said coldly, glaring at him, still on the ground.

Again, trust yourself, and trust your readers.  Believe me, without the "coldly", we still get how this is being said.  The circumstances, what he's saying, and that he's glaring, all get it across without the crutch of an adverb. And this sentence is a good place to explain what I mean by re-wording it.  Most people might've done something like:
"Kid, you really shouldn't be doing this," I said coldly, still on the ground. 

Without the "coldly", it's kind of flat.  Ok, he's saying something and he's on the ground.  Is he... weary?  Angry?  Scared but faking?  We don't know.  So the easy way out, what most beginning authors do, is to throw the adverb in there and tell us he's doing it coldly.  But you can take it out, add in a bit more description -- say, "glaring at him" -- and now we get it.  We know how it's being delivered, and we know that our hero may be down, but not at all out.  You've got good instincts, just trust yourself a bit more. You're good enough that you don't need the crutches.

Your writing isn't rife with adverbs, which is a huge point in your favor, but editors despise them with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.  Never give them an easy reason to toss your stuff on the reject pile.

3) You did this thing ...  Here, this thing:
“Shit!” The one with the broken leg shouted

I'm never sure how to explain this, but I'll try.  If the stuff outside the quotation marks is part of one complete thought with the stuff inside the quotation marks, regardless of what punctuation mark is inside the quotes, you use a lower-case letter outside the quotes.  That's how we know it all goes together.  It should read:
"Shit!" the one with the broken leg shouted.

You did it right earlier when you wrote:
"You get up, and the lady gets stuck," he threatened.

So I think you get it when it comes to periods inside the quotation marks, but the same rule applies to all punctuation inside the quotes.  If what comes after is part of the thought, use a lower case letter after the quotes.

In a similar vein, you wrote:
“Because,” I said, getting up into a crouch. “You might get hurt.”

What Kail is saying is "Because you might get hurt."  You're interrupting him with a bit of description, and that's fine, but since Kail's thing is all one sentence, you need commas and lower-case letters:
"Because," I said, getting up into a crouch, "you might get hurt."

Unless, y'know, in your head what he was saying was "Because.  You might get hurt."  In which case carry on and skip me.

4) A lot of your sentences have no punctuation at the end.  Careful with that.  Mostly dialogue sentences so maybe this is confusion about how to punctuate dialogue sentences.  If quotes end the paragraph, you don't need punctuation outside the quotes.  If dialogue isn't the last thing, you need end with punctuation.  So, for example:

I said as I went down the stairs, "I hope I turned the stove off."
"You did," he assured me.

Those're my nitpicks.  If I've confused you on anything, or if you think I've misread, lemme know.

[azjayp]

I think this draft is MUCH better. The secondary characters seem more in character, and all in all it makes the chapter seem more realistic.

I am wierd about this, so you might want to not listen to me, but when you use the word "punk" i expect the person to have a mohawk (as i used to), not wearing baggy pants and a bandana.

also, "iron clad fist"? i am not sure what you are going for there, but it sounds like he has gauntlets on (which i know he doesn't). you can change that or just clarify a little and it would be fine (i like the concept that it isn't just a punch to the face, but a punch OF DOOM).

all in all, good job and keep up the good work.

[kero319]

Just read all the posts. Sorry can't respond to all the ideas but quick note: I am aware of the writing/grammar mistakes. I haven't had time to completely rewrite the text, so there are mistakes from the original draft. I'll fix all that with the next draft

Anyways

Thanks guys this is really helping me out.
Right now I'm on vacation (like at the beach) but I'm still thinking about all this.

I'm working on completing the story arch, and then moving on to the individual scenes. Along with all that, I'm working on this Chapter and the next, which Ill continue to edit, and post. This way I can complete my writing style and finish the story

The next draft will be up as soon as I get back home and start it lol. Keep the ideas coming, you guys are helping so much

Thanks.

-Alex

[AverageGuy]

"Graffiti was all over the whitewashed walls"

I've heard that forms of "to be" are weak verbs.  "Covered," I guess you didn't use it because you use it right after, but maybe you could use it if grime "coated?"  There were a couple other times I saw linking or passive verbs, but that's one that jumped right out, probably because it was at the beginning.

"We got to the right station and quickly took place near the entrance area."

Until I read this, I wasn't completely sure if the characters had just gotten off an elevated train or if they were walking around a train station, a random building, a basement or half-story where you could hear a train, or a subway.  The wind whispering in the guy's hair after he walked down the stairs threw me a little more.  Saying they were walking down "the subway stairs" might be a quick fix, or it might be unnecessary.  This may not be a problem for most readers, I don't know, and it's not too hard to figure out, but I thought I'd point it out.

Not bad.

[kero319]

Here's my last draft that I'll be posting for awhile. It includes my second chapter and the beginning of the third chapter:


Chapter 1

Echoes of footsteps bounced off the walls as we walked down the subway.  The concrete floor was covered in grime, and the whitewashed walls were covered in layers of graffiti. The glare of the fluorescent lights did nothing to make me more comfortable, in fact, they gave the subway a certain alien feel to it.

My hair whispered in the wind of a passing train as it sped down the tracks further off. Tori walked in silence beside me, wearing her usual  attire of jean shorts and tank top, despite the cold weather we’d had. I wore a more appropriate dark jacket, with a green shirt underneath, along with jeans.

We passed through and archway and started walking down the stairs towards the platforms. At the bottom of the stairs, there was a scruffy looking old man, leaning against the wall, a trash bag full of who knows what sat beside him. We passed him, and continued on.

Past the booths, a bunch of wannabe toughs, that could have been no more than 25 years old each, leaned against some railing, trying to look intimidating. They watched as we walked by, noticeably turning there heads as we passed them. Tori subtly picked up her pace as we passed, and I hurried to keep step with her. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw some movement behind us. More footsteps soon joined ours, and I knew that they had started to follow.

We came to the right station, but the railcar wasn’t there yet, so we took our place near the edge of the tracks. The footsteps behind me had ceased a few yards back, with the exception of one set that had continued approaching.

“Ahem,” said a voice that I could barely hear over the din of the trains in the background.

I turned around to face the speaker, only to be met with a brass knuckle covered fist. I flew to the floor, and the remaining punks surrounded Tori. They must have been after her purse, or maybe her jewelry.

“Back off!” she cried as they encircled her. None of the onlookers in the station were about to do anything, and I don’t blame them, they probably had a gun.

The kid who had knocked me down stood over me.

“Don’t get up, we don’t kill you,” he muttered.
“Kid, let’s not do this today,” I said, glaring at him.
“Really? Why not?”
“Because, I’m not in the mood,” I replied. “And because you might get hurt!”

With that I swung out my legs, and caught him right behind his left knee, bringing him down. The sickly crack of bones, and his cries, caused the others to turn their attention to me. A knife slid out of a switchblade, and a gun clicked behind me. Tori used this time to slip away from the men, and went to the stairs, presumably for a quick getaway.

I know I should avoid things like this, but then that would be boring, wouldn’t it?

“Come on guys, we don’t wanna fight, do we?” I said, putting on my best fake smile.
“Yeah, we do.” said the oldest, presumably the leader. Cliché.

Without hesitation, one charged me. He was pretty tall, so I ducked into his legs, flipping him over onto his back. He reached out to grab my legs, but I brought down my foot onto his fingers.

I saw a blur to the side of me, and quickly sidestepped to avoid another blow to the head. Another punk had circled around to my blindside while I was dispatching the first. I used my momentum to spin around on my heel and swung my arm up in an uppercut to his chin. He flew up. Quite literally. His backed crashed into the ceiling, and then he fell back down to the ground, unconscious. I saw the look on the other guys’ faces, the only 3 left standing, and saw an all too familiar expression.

“Shit!” The one with the broken leg shouted
“What the hell, Tyrael, lets get out of here!” Another cried
“Quiet! Marcus, get him,” said the oldest, Tyrael.
“Got it!” Shouted the youngest, Marcus.

The kid ran at me, a switchblade in his hand. He closed the distance and began slashing the air aimlessly, the flailing motion all to easy to dodge. Without particular effort I grabbed his wrist, holding it in place,  and swung my other fist into his gut. He flew back. All the way back. His body slammed into the far wall, about 20 yards away, and his head snapped back into the wall with a pronounced clap. He slid down into an unnatural sitting position, a comical look on his face.

"Christ, man! We can't take this guy." The last man said as he grabbed Marcus off the ground.
"Y-you’re right, let's get out of here!" Tyrael said as he slowly backed up. He turned around quickly and ran up the stairs, the man with the broken leg hobbling after him, supporting himself on the railing. The last mugger hauled the teen onto his shoulders, and as he stumbled away, the kid looked right at me, wonder in his eyes. Or maybe it was the concussion.

"Kail, let's go!" Tori was over by the tracks, and the subway started to roll in. We quickly climbed aboard, pushing through the crowd, before any of the passengers could get off and see what mayhem we had caused.

We came to another car just in time, and we sat down. The other passengers in the car hadn't seen what happened, so they didn't pay any attention to us. We sat down, and catching our breaths, Tori laying her head on my shoulder. We stayed that way for several minutes until Tori broke the silence.

"Kail, you did it again." Tori whispered to me.
"I can't help it, you know that." I whispered back
"Listen, you have to be more car-"

Just then, the drifter we had seen earlier came into our section. He quickly spotted us and shoved his way through the people standing up.

"Son! How'd you do that out there!?!" That was AMAZING!" He said, much too loudly.
"Umm...sir..."
"What was that kid? Some kind of  martial arts I reckon. I mean wow! How'd you do it?"
"Sir, I don't know what your talking about,” I lied, wanting attention off of me.
He frowned at me for a moment. Just then the train stopped at our station, and I grabbed Tori and pulled her off the train before the man could ask anymore questions. Tori gave me a gloomy look, knowing what I was feeling.

The sad thing was, I couldn’t answer his question.

Chapter 2
Father "Don" Matthias was sitting at his desk. The dim lighting, along with the red and white candles gave the room a serene mood. Don sat diligently studying the Bible, no surprise there. His short salt and pepper hair was perfectly neat, and his sharp jaw was set in concentration. He was only 30, but wise beyond his years. Ever since I've known him, he has had this...aura about him. Holy almost. I'm not a real religious guy, but I know holy when I see it. Solemnly, he continued to read the Holy Book, but no doubt he knew I was there. Without looking up, he said:

"Kail, how nice to see you."
"Hello, Father." I replied quietly.
"How was you're trip over here?"
"It was...different."
"Really?" He looked up from his reading, his dark eyes watching mine. "It happened again, didn't it son?"
"Yes."
"Kail, how many times must I tell you, you must be careful when displaying your...abilities."
"Father," I replied. "They were hurting Tori. I don’t care who see’s me, no one is going to hurt her!"
"Ah. Well, I certainly can not stop you, but be careful. I trust that you saw Tori home?”
“Of course.”
“Ah, good. Now have a seat.”

I walked forward and sat down in an ancient wooden chair.

"Have you found anything yet?"
He remained silent.
"Don," I urged. "I've been here for two years. I need to know who I am. I need to know why I can do what I do."
"Patience’s, Kail, God gave us long lives for a reason."
"I'm sorry, its just,...Everyone knows who they are. I'm the exception."
"God reveals all at the appropriate time. Patience.
"Father, I don't know my own damn identity!"
"Language! Listen son, the only identity you need to know is that you are God's Child."
"I know, I know."
"By the way, Riel was looking for you."
"Riel? I'll call him whenever I can get around to it. Father, please, keep on looking."
"Sure, I'll call you when I find something out, go on home."
"God be with you Father."
"And with you."

I left the chapel and walked towards the street. My black truck was parked near the street, and I got in and started the engine. It took me almost a year to learn how to drive, and now that I can, I do it as much as possible.

 Don had known me for two years. To me, I have known him my entire life. He seemed a bit distracted tonight. He may be a religious man, but he was a bit more religious today than usual. He must of found something.

I pulled up to a particularly long red light. Soon I started to think of Tori. Next to Don, she's the most important person in my life. Her laugh always brightened my day. Tori Gabriella. What a girl. Her skin, so tan, and smooth. Her smile, with perfect teeth was Heaven. Her Eyes. Her legs. Her ....

"HEY BUDDY! GET A MOVE ON!" A taxi driver yelled. The light had turned green.

I quickly sped up and got a move on. I drove down to my apartments, and went upstairs. I always liked being high up. Never knew why. I walked down the dirty hall, unlocked the door, and strolled on in to my not-so-great apartment. Clothes were all over the floor, dishes weren’t washed. Still, it had pictures of my friends. Tori, Don, Riel. It was home.

I went to the bathroom to wash my face. I looked into the mirror and saw my reflection in the cracked mirror. My long dark hair covered one eye. The other eye stood out. It was Gold with a halo of red next to the pupil. No one had eyes like mine...no one. My skin was slightly pale, not too much, but I could use a trip to the beach. The small scar on my chin stood out. More so, however, was the tip of the large tattoo of a wing on the left of my back. The tattoo was very intricate, and went from my spine and up to the top of my left arm. I hadn't shaved for a couple days, and I knew I looked grizzly. I better clean up.

Tonight was the second anniversary of my meeting up with Don and Tori. That night, two years ago, changed my life. Well, really, it started it. I remember that night so clearly. Raining. Empty streets. Lightning. Wind strong enough to break a tree. A flash. And a Wing. Perhaps, the reason I remember it so clearly, is because I don’t remember anything before it.

Chapter 3



Rain. It can mean a lot of things. It can mean rebirth, life. It can mean death, final moments. It’s amazing what omens one thing can represent. For me it represents both. That night was both my death, and my rebirth. I found my way out of oblivion that day, only to be lost in this metropolis.

Lightning lit the darkened sky, bringing the foreboding silence before the thunder strike. No moon was to be seen that night, only clouds and the occasional bolt.  Rain, long and thin bullets, fell down around me. I was on my back, a tree to the left of my vision. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. I felt a large cut on the left of my back, in between my shoulder blades. My knees were cut up, my hands covered in road burn. I couldn’t see out of one eye, soaked hair blinding me. I realized I was naked except for the rain, nature’s cold blanket. My whole body ached, almost as if I had fallen from the tree above me. Had I?

The only sounds were of rain and thunder.  I struggled to lift my body up. The cold rain, almost sleet, were like tiny daggers against my bare back. I managed to roll over and life myself up on all fours. On the wet cobblestones, I saw puddles of not only water, but blood. My blood.

For some reason the thought of me bleeding struck me as insane.  In fact, in the back of my mind, this whole situation was insane. Well…of course it was. But it was stranger in the fact that I was experiencing it. If there was one thing I knew, it was that this should not be happening to me.

But what was happening to me?

I fought the stiffness and cold, and brought myself up on one knee, as if I was proposing to the darkness. In the distance, the orange glow of streetlights  gleamed in the shadows of the storm. Even farther were tall masses. Skyscrapers of some city. What city? I had no idea.

I staggered up, and limped down to a pond to my right. I looked into the black water, its surface disturbed by the continuous rain. My reflection, anything but clear, showed me one thing.  A blue in yellow glow extended to the left of my reflection, but as I looked behind me, nothing was there to generate it. That was when the rain stopped.

Lightning struck the tree behind me, thunder boomed in unison with the cracking trunk, but it didn’t distract me. I was unable to look away from my now-clear reflection. What I saw changed my life. Because extending from my right shoulder, there was a great, glowing, transparent wing.



Let me know what you think

Thanks again, for the support 
 

[Roaram]

I think your earlier chapters were better. This latest post feels very rushed, information dropped in a super convienant manner. The conversation with the priest seems like its there just to tell you he's  there, not do anything. I mean, is there typical conversation "figured me out" not yet "I don't know who I am" god loves you!

and I don't mean to be a schmuck cause I do like the idea, but what kind of amnesiac visits a priest? your main man is basically screaming his name can be found in the bible.