Hi. I write a little in my spare time and came up with a skit to use as a demonstration for my freshman composition class. I thought some people on here might get a kick out of it. The ending is abrupt, but I was running short on time.
Jenni’s Did You Bring It v. 2
John: Did you bring it?
Jim: Yes, I did. Here it is… A shiny, new Xbox 360. Let me hook it up… (starts fiddling with the controls and plugs)
John: (while Jim fiddles) Call of Duty 4, Mass Effect…all those games I couldn’t play on the PS3… Haha, Bill Gates! Behold the equalizing power of Ebay!!
Jim: I couldn’t get the HD dvd thing. The guy said it came with it, but he lied.
John: Dude, shut up. Nobody cares about HD dvds. Once all the porn went to Blu-Ray, HD never had a chance. Though why that has to be high definition…
Jim: (interrupts) Stop right there. I don’t want to hear any more. That should do it. Everything should work now. (both stare at screen)
Both: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh…
Jim: So, what should our login name be?
John: I dunno. How about FragU?
Jim: (enters that and frowns) Taken.
John: DeathFromAbove?
Jim: Taken.
John: SirSpawnsALot?
Jim: Taken.
John: This sucks. Okay, how about UnicornLover428?
Jim: Taken.
John: Goddammit!! You think of something. I’m tired of coming up with names.
Jim: Okay, how about ShakespeareGuy?
John: Hell no. That’d get us killed right away. Even by our own guys.
Jim: Hey, Shakespeare wasn’t that bad. He had ghosts and sex jokes, and some of his plays were freaking blood baths, especially at the end. That Hamlet play, everybody died. Horatio was the only one who made it out…and even he wanted to die, but Hamlet told him he had to live to go on and tell the story of what happened.
John: It frightens me that you know that.
Jim: What? Because I paid attention in English lit?
John: No, because you remember it more than five minutes after you finished the final.
Jim: Whatever. Just because…wait a sec. What about IAmAnAss?
John: That works.
Jim: (enters name) Accepted!
John: Yes! Let’s play some Deathmatch! (starts playing)
Xbox Person 1: Hey, guy’s handle is a line from Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing! Get IAmAnAss!
Xbox Person 2: Do you lob that grenade at me, sir? A pox on both your houses!
Xbox Person 3: Is that a claymore I see before me?
Xbox Person 4: To snipe or not to snipe; that is the question. Whether tis nobler to hide up here and cap people from a quarter mile away, or endure the bullets and grenades of fortune…
John: Aren’t those all lines from Shakespeare?
Jim: More or less, yeah, though Hamlet wouldn’t have known a grenade if he bit one.
John: Yeah, well, that Hamlet-spouting freak can bite me… (waits ten seconds and then tosses controller away in frustration) He got me. That Danish emo bitch!
Jim: (grabs controller) I keep telling you, you shouldn’t say nasty things about Billy Shakes. You’ll make the gods of art angry.
John: The guy is dead. He’s been dead for centuries. What’s he going to do about it?
Jim: The system is starting to lag, dude. Shut up.
John: Romeo and Juliet is fucking stupid. Two brainless teenagers kill themselves. Great. They should have done it sooner and saved everyone the misery of having to read them during freshman year of high school.
Jim: Stop. The fan hasn’t stopped running in the last ten minutes, and the graphics are getting fuzzy.
John: Quit being a superstitious wuss.
Jim: Everything worked fine before you started bashing on the Bard, so just shut up. Talk about something else.
John: I can say anything I want, and my words are not going to affect the 360. In fact, Romeo and Juliet was bad, but Hamlet was worse. Every single teacher on the planet wants to talk about how frickin’ great Hamlet was, but he was a spoiled little mama’s boy who couldn’t just say what was on his mind. He had to sneak around and be angsty to everyone, including that Ophelia chick, and she didn’t know what the hell was wrong with him, so she tried to help and then one second, he’s about to get into her pants, and the next, he tells her to shove off. Screw him. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were two of the most pointless characters ever; Hamlet sent ‘em off to their deaths, and they still never knew what they were supposed to be doing or why or any of it. Screw Hamlet and screw Shakespeare sideways with a sharpened armadillo.
Jim: You killed it, John. You killed our 360. It’s gone red ring. I warned you, but you wouldn’t listen.
John: Nooooo!!!! (falls on his knees and tries to perform CPR on the 360) You can’t be dead. You can’t. A controller! Oh, happy dagger; here rust, and let this be thy sheath. (he attempts to stab himself with the controller and falls to the floor) Ow.
Jim: (shakes head) You need help. Let’s get this packed up and send it off to be fixed. Or exorcised. Or whatever the hell Microsoft does to these things.
