Duplicates removed after Archive Bingeing the threads:-
-I am not to say “over my dead body” to a Jade Court vampire.
-a) Or a Red court vampire.
-b) Or a necromancer.
-c) Or a...-I am not to say “over my dead body” to
anyone.
-While I already know that Little Chicago is
not an RPG mat, it is a
bad idea no matter how many times Bill suggests a round of Semiautomagic set in Chicago.
-I am not to ask Mac when he’s going to institute Pun Tuesdays.
-Bob’s skull is
not a football. No matter how much padding I wrap it in.
-No “horny” jokes about the Erlking to
either Queen.
-I am not to stand suspiciously close to ATMs while meditating.
-No leaving copies of
Twilight when I doorbell ditch Thomas.
a) Note to self: See what effect it has on Bob.
-Imitating the coin-mummy from Scooby Doo around Sanya or Michael will only get me killed.
-Molly needs a Hot Topic gift card as much as Charity needs my blood on her boots.
-If that demon somehow comes around trying to get my second middle name, I won’t sing
Sympathy for the Devil at it. Asking if it needs to spin some straw into gold is perfectly okay, though.
-Yes, I found a stuffed toy of a temple dog. No, I will not give it to Thomas for his birthday with a baby bonnet and pacifier attached.
-I will not, even as a thought experiment, set up an imaginary door with a bucket of whitewash on top in my subconscious.
a) Nor an invisible piano hanging by an invisible rope.
-
is
not a sovereign state just because it’s unmappable, and calling myself “King Dresden, Lord of the Dance, Knight of the Realm, and Ruler of a Little Island Up The Coast” would be tantamount to suicide.
-Fidelachius is not food-safe, even if it can cut through a ham with bone in less than six seconds.
-Cowl and Kumori are no longer to be referred to as Death and Susan.
-Nicodemus is never up for a game of hangman.
-Bob’s skull is not a cereal bowl.
-I am not allowed to introduce Susan to the “other” Sue in my life.
-I will not write down stupid jokes about Kincaid, no matter how funny they might be to an omniscient ten-year-old.
-Bob’s skull is not a novelty hat.
-No more illusions at Splattercons, unless I’m invited as a special guest.
-Bob’s skull is not an ice bucket.
-a) Especially not for Mac’s brew.
-I am not to tease Kincaid about how my staff is bigger than his spear-
and more versatile.
-Bob’s skull is not a potpourri bowl
-I am not to read the “Also by this author...” page of the
Codex Alera books.
-Bob’s skull is not an overly long gag.
-I am never to travel to Deery, Maine, Midwich in Great Britain, or
anywhere in Massachusetts.
a) If I’m ever in Massachusetts, I will not discuss Hastur.
-Bob’s skull is neither a tea cozy nor a toilet tank buoy
-I am not to call “Tessa” “Tesla” (especially while reminding her of Elaine).
-If I ever try to cast “Frog” on someone again, the White Council will have words with me. Sharp, cold,
painful words...
a) Amphibious demons, on the other hand, are fair game.
-I am not to encourage slashfic of Kincaid and Thomas (see also, “I will not write down stupid jokes about Kincaid”)
a) I will also not have Bill, Georgia, or Murphy print them out so I can mail them to everyone they know.
b) I will especially not have Bill, Georgia, or Murphy print them out so I can mail it to them, anonymously.
-I am not to go to the hospital and have them repeatedly stop my heart just to death curse every baddie I’ve run into. Even if I thought it would work.
a) Nor am I to have them stop my heart and revive me three times just to play bridge with my own ghosts.
-I will not convince Molly to use telepathy while I run a divination spell to convince people she’s stuck in a Groundhog Day loop.
-I am not to draw anything that looks
remotely like a Fallen’s symbol on my palm in liquid paper.
a) And I
definitely am not to shake hands with Michael or Sanya while it’s still wet.
a.5) The same goes for using a palmed nickel or metal slug instead of my hand.
-I am not to entice Molly to attempt a veiled run of the White Council headquarters with the promise of what will turn out to be an unenchanted camouflage suit.
-I am not to do an irreversible vanishing cabinet trick, with or without Carlos’ help.
-I am not to give Gard a Vikings helmet hat for christmas.
-I am not to give Kincaid dog biscuits for his birthday.
a) Especially if I already gave him a bottle of Hellfire Sauce at Christmas.
b) The same goes for Bill and Georgia.
-Giving Molly a reservation to be on
Miami Ink for her birthday would be worse than the Hot Topic gift card.
a) The same goes for giving Harry Potter books to her youngest brother.
-If I ever track down one of the paintings Luccio sat for,
I must never tell her.
-I am not to give the Gatekeeper the novelization of
Ghostbusters for his birthday.
-I am not to take the tour of Google’s headquarters.
a) Nor Yahoo or Wikipedia.
b) If I walk within twenty miles of TV Tropes’ main cache, Billy stops printing stuff off the internet for me.
-Fanged toothcaps: Good for Halloween,
bad for Doom of Damocles probationary hearings.
-I am not to give Ancient Mai a box of stone Milk-Bone amulets.
-I must
never allow Bob and Lara to meet.
-I am not to feed apples to the unicorn.
-The ‘Za Lord’s Guard is not a set of musical holiday lights.
a) Even if they don’t short out every time I cast a spell.
-I am not to visit Mother Winter and Mother Summer just to egg on their kvetching about their descendants.
-I am not to make any potion where the base is dish soap or ipecac.
a) I am especially not to keep them in the same type of bottle Kincaid keeps his sports drinks in.
b) I am especially not to forget where I leave them right before Kincaid leaves on a working vacation with Murphy.
-I am not to give a space heater to Mab or Maeve for their birthdays.
-I am not to give an air conditioner to Titania for her birthday
-I am not to give Ivy a library card. That would just be mean. She might like an audiobook account, though.
-I am not to invite the Eldest Gruff over for coffee and a doughnut.
-I am not to set Ferrovax up on a blind date with Sue.
-Bob’s skull is neither a puppet, a bookend, a flowerpot, Mister’s litterbox scoop, a novelty lampshade, a steak pre-chewer, a night light, a foot rest, a door knocker, a receptacle for Blackened Denarii, a bowling ball, a walkie-talkie, an a cappella radio station, a wastebasket, an impromptu drum (no matter how much he knows about necromancy), nor Mouse’s chew toy.
With regards to Elanel’s
I am not to arrange a birthday party for Thomas at the local gay bar.
a) Even though I really want to… *evil*
I would like to add:
b) Even if he does get free drinks as the owner.
@ Tech L. Me’s
Not allowed to train Mouse to “Sic Morgan!”
a) Or Merlin
b) Or anybody who disagrees with me
c) Except blampires, rampires or wampires
d) Make that anybody who tries to kill me.
I would like to add:
d.5) Except for Morgan.
