A long time ago, some friends and I put together a list of "Things Harry Dresden is No Longer Allowed to Do," based on the famous
Skippy's List. The original postings, with attributions, are
here and
here. Let's see if we can't add to it!
Things Harry Dresden is No Longer Allowed to Do
- I am not allowed to ask elder Council members if they've ever parted the Red Sea.
- I will never label another bottle "Love Potion #9," even if it is factually accurate.
- I am not allowed to get drunk and serenade the entire tavern with a rousing rendition of "
A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End."
a) Or Murphy.
b) Or
anyone.
c) Especially Murphy. She can hurt me.
- Bob's skull is not to be used to practice ventriloquism.
a) or to re-enact scenes from
Hamlet.
- Under no circumstances am I to even contemplate asking the faeries if they offer a dating service as well.
- I am not allowed to attend a vampire ball dressed as movie Dracula ever again, no matter how funny it seems at the time
- I will never let Amanda Carpenter talk me into being her Show and Tell project again, no matter how cute her puppy-dog eyes are.
- Just because something is bleeping disturbing doesn't mean it's a bad idea.
- Fideliacchius is not a letter opener.
- I am not allowed to "correct" Harry Potter books.
a) From the library.
b) In red pen.
- Twice-divorced women are not wooed by the mantra "Third time's the charm!"
- My hand may eventually heal. I am not allowed to consider prosthetic chainsaw attachments.
- My blasting rod is not my "boomstick."
- "Klaatu barada nikto!" is not an appropriate spell.
a) Regardless of whether or not I say it correctly.
b) Even though it did work.
- Similarly, "Eta Kooram Nah Smech" will not make an enraged Murphy fall asleep.
- Referring to Lasciel's coin as "My Precious" in Michael's presence is not funny and will probably only get me killed.
- I may not make "your mom" jokes to Thomas. It only encourages him and is counterproductive.
- I may not tell the Merlin to pull the sword out of his stone.
a) I may not tell this to Morgan either.
- Whether or not I had any intention of following up on them, trying bad pickup lines on Murphy will get me shot.
a) Likewise Lara.
b) Also Miss Gard.
- I may not call Marcone "Scarface."
- I may no longer lurk around elementary schools, even if there are monsters on the playground.
a) Having lurked, I will not laugh at the cop who's come to 'talk' to me.
b) Having laughed, I will not suggest he call Murphy.
c) Having suggested, I will at least be glad that I brightened her day, judging from the hysterical laughter.
- I may no longer tell vampires to "bite me," as that joke is dead and rotting.
a) Similarly, if I say "fuck you" to a White Court vampire, I deserve what I get.
- Quoting Labyrinth at the faeries is just asking for trouble.
- A flea collar is not an appropriate gift for a werewolf.
a) Unless I've suddenly developed a death wish.
- I will not use my pentacle amulet to ward off Jehovah's Witnesses.
- I can no longer tell impressionable young children that my dog is part wolf.
a) Or Sirius Black.
- Changing the tagline on my ad to read "Who ya gonna call?" is a violation of good taste as well as copyright laws.
- The Dresden Dolls were not named after me.
a) Nor are they my personal fan club.
- I am not permitted to address the Council in Pig Latin.
a) Even if it is easier than real Latin. Stupid correspondence course.
I will not pitch my life story to Peter Jackson.
a) Viggo Mortensen isn't nearly tall enough to play me, anyway.
-It is culturally insensitive to refer to the incident that maimed my hand as "the firebombing of Dresden."
a) Nor should I respond to condolences by commenting "So it goes. Po-tee-weet?"
-I will not poke people with my stick.
a) If I
must poke people with my stick, it will in fact be my stick, and not my...stick.
- I must no longer answer questions I don't know the answer to with "A wizard did it". It was not funny the first time, nor was it funny the subsequent seventeen times.
a) Even if a wizard did do it.
b) Especially if it was me.
- While wearing my wizard robes, I must not Jedi wave 'this is not the house you are looking for' at visiting Mormons, vacuume-cleaner salesmen or Avon ladies.
a) Or Jedi wave 'These cookies are free' as visiting Girl Scouts.
- As tempting as it might be to show off, I must not demonstrate 'Jedi powers' to the geeks at the gaming shop.
a) Or as Sci-Fi conventions.
b) Especially not to prove Star Wars over Star Trek to Trekkers.
c) My sword cane is NOT a lightsaber. Even with the noises.
- I will not attempt to break Mister of his Cola addiction.
a.1)
without sufficient protection.a.2) ever
- It is never a good idea to refer to Murph as "Sweetcheeks".
a) Even if she did land butt first on the Sugar Plum Fairy.
b) Blaming the fact that I landed on my head, will only get me hit on the head harder.
c) Alcohol isn't an excuse either.
-
Stercus Caput is not a valid title of address at council meetings.
a) Even if it did make Ebenezer shoot whisky out his nose.
- Asking Billy and Georgia "When is the litter due?" will not get me out of any future babysitting duty.
- I will not encourage the other pixies to sing "Don't mess with my Toot Toot" if Toot doesn't come through with the information. It only gives him a swelled head.
- I will not borrow Mac's Car....
- I will not open doors of Big Jim's door with my staff
- I will not refer to Marcone as Padrino. I will not refer to Lea as fairy Padrina. And I will never, ever, introduce them.
- I may not introduce myself as Gandalf the White, Radagast the Brown, or Manfred the Slightly Ecru.
-I will not shout "Fire!" in a crowded White Council meeting. Or in a crowded theatre, for that matter.
-I will not mop the White Council HQ's floor with Morgan's grey cloak.
a) Even if it won't leave a stain. It's the principle of the thing, I suppose.
- I am not to let Bob out anywhere near Butters' Accordian;
a) No matter how much he whines about his
Kielbasa Sausage and it's need to perform.
b) Again.
-When asked my name, I will not answer "There are some who call me... Tim?"
- I must not ask Murphy to "Sit on my Magic lap" Again.
- Under no circumstances am I to make any references to performing spells "skyclad."
a) Especially if Morgan is within earshot.
b) Yes, it's funny to watch his head explode. It is still Wrong.
c) Anyway, he who makes the Warden's head explode cleans up debris from said explosion, and blood is so hard to get out of carpet.
