Feedback requested for series I want to write + teaser

[CenturionsofRome]

I am planing on writing a series called Adflictus Planis, and have finised the majority of the world's mechanics. I am still in the design phase- I haven't even begun book 1 yet, though I do have the plot lined out- I desperately need feedback on how my series' world works. A such, I would really appreciate it if you guys went to centurionsofrome.deviantart.com and give me some feedback, even if that only consists of "good job" or something similar.

EDIT: Heeding the advice of a poster, I have removed the teaser from this post. It can now be found here: http://centurionsofrome.deviantart.com/#/art/Adflictus-Planis-teaser-book-1-Herald-of-Change-383849728?_sid=3c6943a2
I have also edited the teaser upon the advise of The Deposed King, and would like further feedback please, either on my deviantart account or on this thread.

[The Deposed King]

I am planing on writing a series called Adflictus Planis, and have finised the majority of the world's mechanics. I am still in the design phase- I haven't even begun book 1 yet, though I do have the plot lined out- I desperately need feedback on how my series' world works. A such, I would really appreciate it if you guys went to centurionsofrome.deviantart.com and give me some feedback, even if that only consists of "good job" or something similar.
In order to see how much interest there is for my story, I am posting a teaser here, which can also be found on my diviantart account. The story will be written in first person from the same perspective as the teaser.

teaser/possible prologue

So, you want to hear my story? Fine, it sure beats sitting around twiddling my thumbs, and the knowledge you glean from these pages may end up saving your life if you are unfortunate, or fortunate as your case may be, to end up here, in Nova Terra, where magic, miracles, and nightmares come to life. Before we get started, however, I want to clear a few things up. Yes, these pages contain magic, knights, werewolves, vampires, demons, and more. No, it is not some cheap Twilight-esque knockoff. If you’re looking for that, I suggest that you put this down immediately and go visit the cheesy teenage romance section at your local bookstore.

You still here? You sure? Okay… you were warned. My name is Raymond Fairfax. Drop my name to various people here in Nova Terra and you’ll get many different responses, ranging from hero to villain to “who?”

The answer of course, like so many historical figures, is more complex than a single statement, and no one person can ever answer it completely. Not even me. I am recording my knowledge of my life here so than when the worst happens, it will not be lost to the sands of time, and may serve to educate the unwary about what lurks in the dark corners in the planes of existence beyond our own. Let history be the judge of how I live my life. In regards to the previous sentences, I am not pessimistic, but tempus fugit, time flees, from all of us, and nothing lasts forever.

What is Nova Terra? Be patient and you’ll find out. Whether or not you can sleep at night is another matter, however, and not something that I’ll guarantee. Should you choose to visit, however, beware, for there are many who would prey on the unwary, and I kicked several hornet nests on my way in. Should you remain determined after reading about what happened to me, all I can say is “Good Luck, and God help you;” And “Woof.”

I'd nuke the last two paragraphs and start over.  The first two are great.  The last ones meander around a bit and leave me losing interest.  I might consider changing that hero or villain line to something like.  'you’ll get many different responses, ranging from hero to zero with a generous side helping of two bit part time villain and the occasional huh?'

You need to work on your ending of this product description or prologue.  It has too much of a 'everything has already happened' vibe to it which for me personally is a turn off.  predestined stuff.  But maybe some people like that.  Even if you're keeping the predestiny angle fix the meandering and make it tighter and more slam bam thank you officer.



The Deposed King

[CenturionsofRome]

Thanks. That's the first feedback I've ever gotten on this, teaser or otherwise.

[Snowleopard]

Before you go much further CoR - read the following thread please.
http://www.jimbutcheronline.com/bb/index.php/topic,15778.0.html

[CenturionsofRome]

I understand, and have edited the OP accordingly.

[Snowleopard]

Thanks, JB is good enough to let us do a lot of writing stuff on the Forum so we
need to take care to not mess things up for him.
I'm sure you'll get lots of people willing to give you criticism on your stuff.
Good Luck with your writing.

[CenturionsofRome]

Unfortunately, The Deposed King is the first, and I mean first, person to give me feedback outside of my family, none of whom are writers and are likely biased.

[Snowleopard]

Yup, family is like that.
Usually biased for you but sometimes, rarely, biased the other way because
they think writing is NO way to make a living.

[CenturionsofRome]

My family is actually quite supportive about me writing, thankfully. Though given that there are 22 of us in the Somerville clan and everyone is talking and cooperating with each other this is hardly a surprise to me and I hadn't even considered that some people consider that writing should not be a living.

[Snowleopard]

My mother wasn't actively against it but didn't feel that you could make
a living at it.  Shrugs.
Glad to hear that your family is supportive.

[The Deposed King]

My mother wasn't actively against it but didn't feel that you could make
a living at it.  Shrugs.
Glad to hear that your family is supportive.

I think that if you write something people moderately like and can crank out 4-6 books a year you can make it as an amazon indie.  I wrote two books last year.  People liked it enough that I have about 2500 fans buying the follow on books within the first 2-3 months.  that's nothing to sneeze at but at the same time we're not talking big numbers.  I figure 4-6 books a year will be enough to make a living.  2-3k a month pre-tax.  It should get better as I get more of a back list.

Just keep after it.



The Deposed King

[CenturionsofRome]

What about traditional publishing? How many books per year do you need for that? Cause I don't think that I can do 4-6 books per year.

[Sully]

It really depends on the sale numbers and your intended quality of life.

Cheesy answer, I know.  But some authors put out a book a year, some put out two, some do a book every 3 years.

edit: personally I would say you need a book a year if you're an established, traditionally published author.

Unless you write romance.  Then you need one for every season and holiday.

[CenturionsofRome]

God no on the romance. Know of any publishers that might accept a fantasy novel from an unknown author? Granted I'm still several months to a year out in regards to finishing the first book, but It'll give me a few places to snoop out.

[The Deposed King]

If you're going traditional you should shot gun it.  (send to as many publishers as possible)  Baen, Tor, Daw, etc.

And the traditionally published guys I see out there either do 1 book and has a full time job on the side or write 2 books a year and are generally able to drop the day job.




The Deposed King




The Deposed King