Hooks in You

[gatordave96]

With apologies to the band, Marillion, and borrowing one of their lyrics, I'm trying to get a hook in you.  That is, I've been working on a hook to describe my book, "Less than Honorable."  I thought it might be entertaining to see what you all have come up with as your hook to sell your novel.

Here's mine (a work in progress):

A lunar eclipse comes, and it brings change. Long feared and revered by scholars, leaders, and the faithful, it heralds the end of an era. It raises mountains and drains the seas. It levels forests and brings water to the desert. It brings the mighty low, and exalts the meek. It reveals truths long hidden. And now a foretelling brings old enemies back into the Middle Province. An eclipse of the blood moon comes, and it brings change.

So . . . sell me your book.  Set your own hook.  Reel me in.  Tell me why I need to read it. 

[the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh]

Some books want hooks and some books want nets.  I'm not sure your hook would grab me very much because it doesn't give me a world but not really an idea of the people or the stakes.

My summary for TIWTBWO would be "Spiritually Canadian borderline post-humans expand across human space, fighting crime, meeting cool aliens, and bringing you the benefits of peace, order and good government - whether you want them to or not."

[gatordave96]

Yep, that's sort of what I thought too.  I've been toying with how to better describe my book tonight and came up with this:

Long ago, in a mystical world, a lunar eclipse brought change to the Empire.  Some humans developed astounding physical and psionic abilities.  Revered by some, feared by others, these practitioners changed the Empire.  Some built new wonders of science, technology, medicine, and art.  But others became despots and tyrants without equal, bending or manipulating others to their will.  Hundreds of years later, these magician guilds hold an iron grip on power.  Their plots, schemes, and secrets sustain the body politic.   But then a foretelling of a new lunar eclipse stirs others to action.  In the frontier of the Empire, forces gather for an invasion. 

In the frontier town of Fifty Horns, a soldier drowns in blood guilt; a megalomaniac extorts others to do his bidding; guilds plot secret deals to line their coffers; a church threatens to split from within; and a determined group of practitioners undertakes a treacherous journey.  The potential fate of the Empire hangs perilously in balance.  An eclipse of the blood moon comes, and it brings change.

Still hate it.  Pure.  Cheese.  Trying to shorten it down to just a few sentences from here.  Maybe I just work off the last paragraph?

I'm impressed that you could shorten yours down to just the one sentence.  I think you had me at Spiritually Canadian borderline post-humans.  Sounds like the Montreal Canadians.      Or if not, maybe that's your sequel.  Any book about a hockey team that fights intergalactic crime would be well worth my hard earned money.   

[Orbweaver]

Yep, that's sort of what I thought too.  I've been toying with how to better describe my book tonight and came up with this:

Long ago, in a mystical world, a lunar eclipse brought change to the Empire.  Some humans developed astounding physical and psionic abilities.  Revered by some, feared by others, these practitioners changed the Empire.  Some built new wonders of science, technology, medicine, and art.  But others became despots and tyrants without equal, bending or manipulating others to their will.  Hundreds of years later, these magician guilds hold an iron grip on power.  Their plots, schemes, and secrets sustain the body politic.   But then a foretelling of a new lunar eclipse stirs others to action.  In the frontier of the Empire, forces gather for an invasion. 

In the frontier town of Fifty Horns, a soldier drowns in blood guilt; a megalomaniac extorts others to do his bidding; guilds plot secret deals to line their coffers; a church threatens to split from within; and a determined group of practitioners undertakes a treacherous journey.  The potential fate of the Empire hangs perilously in balance.  An eclipse of the blood moon comes, and it brings change.

Still hate it.  Pure.  Cheese.  Trying to shorten it down to just a few sentences from here.  Maybe I just work off the last paragraph?

I'm impressed that you could shorten yours down to just the one sentence.  I think you had me at Spiritually Canadian borderline post-humans.  Sounds like the Montreal Canadians.      Or if not, maybe that's your sequel.  Any book about a hockey team that fights intergalactic crime would be well worth my hard earned money.   

I really hope I don't offend here, I would like to try to help you.

The main problem I have with your description is that the hook is supposed to make me want to read the book.

I feel, after that second summary, as though I did read the book. The whole thing. You went into fairly heavy detail about every twist and turn and nuance- and left nothing to the imagination of the reader.

It does need to be shorter, yes, but it also needs to showcase the intrigue, change, and chaos the eclipses cause- rather than tell the reader it's there.

[gatordave96]

Nope, not offended in the slightest.  I put myself out there for criticism.  I want it.  I don't like the summary either, so I'm looking for advice on what makes for a good hook.  I thought that maybe others would share what they thought to be a good hook for their own books.  Still struggling, and this is what I came up with:

Magician and trade guilds, the military, and the church all scheme to maintain their stranglehold on domestic power while two foreign armies enter into an alliance for an invasion.

Yuck.  I am not impressed with myself at the moment.

[arianne]

For me it feels like maybe you're putting in too much world and not enough people, so the hook reads more like a travel guide rather than a story. Why not start with the main character, talk about what his story is, what he wants out of life, and what he's maybe intending to do and so on and THEN talk about the lunar eclipses and guilds and the world behind it. I mean, mystical worlds are great things and fun to visit, but ultimately people want things to HAPPEN in a story.

[gatordave96]

Thanks for the response.  I'm struggling because there isn't a main character.  Rather, there are several.  It's told in third person limited POV, with multiple voices in style of Game of Thrones.  I could choose one, but then I wonder if I'm deceiving the reader somehow when they find out that the description doesn't match what's advertised. 

Maybe I just need to spend a day brainstorming and come up with several different possibilities and then narrow them down.

[Wordmaker]

Try to keep your hook short, like a sales pitch.

For Locked Within, mine was "A man who remembers past lives is drawn to investigate a series of murders which have taken place over 160 years."

[gatordave96]

"Truman drowned in his own blood guilt.  When ordered to flog a man for an indiscretion that Truman committed himself, the resulting darkness cast a shadow over his mind, and what followed started a chain of events that forever changed the balance of power in the frontier town of Fifty Horns.  The eclipse of the blood moon comes – and it is the harbinger of change."

Better?

[Wordmaker]

Better, but still needs work.

Remove those first and last sentences. They're far too "in-character" for a hook. They're the kind of thing you use in your cover copy or summaries. Also hooks should generally be written in present-tense.

Also, this seems to say that that Truman's guilt, itself, is what causes things to change in the town, as if he has some supernatural ability to change the world with his mind.

If you could describe the events of the first three chapters in three sentences, what would they be?

[gatordave96]

Thanks.  I think I am beginning to see how to better craft something that will work. 

It's obvious that I do not yet know what I'm doing.  Time to do some research and get it all straight in my head.