Author Topic: An unexpected conversation  (Read 3697 times)

Offline Torvaldr

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An unexpected conversation
« on: December 10, 2012, 04:14:41 AM »
This is an excerpt from my current novel.

   The fire I had lit in the fireplace finally grew enough to throw off some decent heat. I stripped off my coat and hung it on a chair back near there so it would dry out, and I could feel the heat begin warming and drying my soaked pant legs and shoes. After several minutes I stopped shivering from the cold. I looked out the window as the hurricane raged. The wind was doing an impressive job of bending the trees this way and that as it changed direction erratically, and I could hear the rain striking the roof, walls, and window as it too was driven around.
   It would not be surprising at all that someone would be able to sneak up on me with all the noise. But the person that belonged to the voice that came from nowhere would have been able to do it, even if it were as silent as a grave. Being able to just appear, rather than having to walk, can do that.
      “What a pleasant evening.” The voice said with a hint of humor.
     My heart jumped, and my breath stopped, but I did manage to stop short of letting out an undignified scream. And aside from spinning around quickly I also managed not to jump out of my sopping wet shoes.
   The man standing there was tall, at least 6’4”. He was well built without being bulky. His hair was dark and curly and would have hung down to his shoulders if it were straight. His complexion was a dark olive, and his eyes were the blue of an early morning sky. He was dressed in black slacks and black dress shoes, with a burgundy dress shirt buttoned to the top, though he did not wear a tie. He stood very casually with his hands in his pockets. And he was completely dry.
     “Lucifer.” I said, moving careful away from the window and putting my back to a solid wall.
     “Thomiel.” He responded. Keeping his hands in his pockets, and an amused look on his face.
     “Decided to show up and keep me from stopping Thursiel?” I asked
     “Quite the contrary. I am here to help you.” He said, still looking amused.
     “I find that hard to believe.” I said skeptically.
     “And why is that?” he asked
     “If the seal is broken your army will nearly double in size. That is a lot of fire power.” I replied
     “True. But there is however, a serious flaw in your reasoning.” He told me.
     “And what is that?” I asked him.
     “It is the same flaw that you have had since the very beginning of your involvement in this affair.” He said, still very amused. “It is the same flaw that everyone has had since the moment that Abordast and his legion was first imprisoned.”
     “I still don’t see what you are talking about.” I admitted.
     Lucifer shook his head and chuckled softly. “Perhaps being Misborn and spending all that time as a human has clouded your wits.” He said.
     “Spare me.” I told him. “No one on your side of things is going to understand, or admit if they do. If you have something to say just spit it out, or go ahead and kill me.”
     “Please. It has been far too long since I have been able to have a civilized conversation with someone. My own followers spend all their time trying to suck up to me. None of our brothers and sisters still with our Father will give me the time of day, or Night for that matter. The moment they see me they either attack me out of reflex, or run like mad.”
     “Can you blame them?” I asked, still trying to figure out just what flaw in reasoning he could be hinting at. Lucifer had always been like that. He was gifted far above most of the rest of us with reason, intelligence, and wit. Before he let it go to his head he used it in very creative and entertaining ways. His music was inspired (literally), and his riddles complex. We could spend eons in the old days trying to figure one of them out. But I was not particularly amused at this moment. And I did not have eons to figure out what he was talking about.
     “I suppose not.” He agreed. “Still, I am not always looking for a fight. Nor am I here to kill you.”
     “Right. You’re here to help me.” I said, a little sarcastically.
     “That is correct.” He said smiling, not rising to my baiting. He was apparently enjoying himself too much for that.
     “Fine. I give up. What is the fatal flaw in my reasoning?” I asked.
     “You and everyone else have always assumed it was our Father who imprisoned Abordast.” He said. And grinned even larger when he saw my eyes widen and I again held my breath.
     “But if He didn’t then who…” and then I stopped and stared at him as he slowly bowed his head, never taking his eyes off of me.
     He stood there grinning as my head spun with what he had just told me. For several millennia everyone, angels and humans alike, at least those few humans who knew anything, had assumed that God had been the one to imprison Abordast and his legion for their rebellion, the same way that he had cast Lucifer and his out of Heaven. My brain had to do a quantum shift as it accepted what I had just been told.
     “But why would you do that? It cut your numbers in half!” I said
     Lucifer moved over towards the fire and willed a comfortable leather covered wingback chair into existence. He motioned me to the creaky wooden chair I had hung my coat on as he sat down. He crossed his legs, rested his elbows on the armrests and laced his fingers together in front of his chest. After I moved over and sat down, listening to the chair protest as if it would fall apart under me, he leaned back into his chair and started to speak.
     “First, Abordast was an Archangel the same as myself, with power of a similar nature. He may have agreed with me at first, but he would not easily or willingly give me over all authority for long. I certainly would not agree to him being in command either. So sooner or later he and I would have had a falling out. His legion was loyal to him, as mine was to me. At least mostly,” he stopped for a moment and gave me a look of hatred so intense that I thought my heart would burst into flames from the sheer force of it. Then just as suddenly his amused look returned. “So imprisoning him alone would not have done much good.”
     “There are enough wild cards already in play in this game with the Shriekers roaming around. As well as you Misborn complicating matters from time to time. Not to mention my former brothers and their legions opposing me. Abordast was just one too many, and since I had the means to take him out of play. I did.” He explained.
« Last Edit: December 10, 2012, 04:17:26 AM by Torvaldr »
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Offline gatordave96

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Re: An unexpected conversation
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2012, 12:23:50 AM »
I like the premise of it.  Watch out for too much passive voice.  It kills the reader's concentration. 

I broke my habit of using passive voice the hard way.  A friend used a red pen and marked all over the paper.   :-[
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Offline Quantus

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Re: An unexpected conversation
« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2012, 12:49:32 AM »
You've defnately got my interest, there is a lot of potential there.  Out of curiosity how far into the novel does this scene take place?


A few specific places were awkward and broke the rhythm for me:

Quote
But the person that belonged to the voice that came from nowhere would have been able to do it, even if it were as silent as a grave.
This came across a little awkward and forced to me (is that what you grammatical types call passive voice?)  Consider making it "But the voice that came from nowhere belonged to a person that would have been able to do it,..."  It also might work better if it comes after the the voice does the speaking, and the MC jumps.  Also, would your guy describe Lucifer as a "person" specifically like that, rather than just "someone" or even "something"?  Not saying Lucy doesnt come across with good personalty or anything, just that part of the scene seems driven by the narrator's prejudices.   

The other bit was this:
Quote
     “True. But there is however, a serious flaw in your reasoning.” He told me.
     “And what is that?” I asked him.

To me this read as if Lucy told him what the flaw was (without you telling the audience) then your MC asking a follow up question.  It took me a beat to realize that was not the case.  Simply changing it to < "-in your reasoning," he told me. >  should fix it fine.




<(o)> <(o)>
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Offline Torvaldr

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Re: An unexpected conversation
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2012, 01:52:25 AM »
You've defnately got my interest, there is a lot of potential there.  Out of curiosity how far into the novel does this scene take place?


A few specific places were awkward and broke the rhythm for me:
 This came across a little awkward and forced to me (is that what you grammatical types call passive voice?)  Consider making it "But the voice that came from nowhere belonged to a person that would have been able to do it,..."  It also might work better if it comes after the the voice does the speaking, and the MC jumps.  Also, would your guy describe Lucifer as a "person" specifically like that, rather than just "someone" or even "something"?  Not saying Lucy doesnt come across with good personalty or anything, just that part of the scene seems driven by the narrator's prejudices.   

The other bit was this:
To me this read as if Lucy told him what the flaw was (without you telling the audience) then your MC asking a follow up question.  It took me a beat to realize that was not the case.  Simply changing it to < "-in your reasoning," he told me. >  should fix it fine.

This is still the first draft of this conversation, so still lots of work to do. This scene takes place in the last 3rd of the novel and things start to move towards the final confrontation.
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Offline Quantus

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Re: An unexpected conversation
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2012, 02:16:22 AM »
sweet! Am I correct in interpreting that the MC is a Fallen Angel that was somehow reincarnated as a mortal (a Misborn?), and somebody is trying to release an archangel named Abordast and that third of the angels that were supposedly punished for trying to sit the fence during the War of Rebellion?  Cause its an awesome premise :)
<(o)> <(o)>
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“We’re all imaginary friends to one another."

"An entire life, an entire personality, can be permanently altered by just one sentence." -An Accidental Villain

Offline Torvaldr

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Re: An unexpected conversation
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2012, 02:24:28 AM »
sweet! Am I correct in interpreting that the MC is a Fallen Angel that was somehow reincarnated as a mortal (a Misborn?), and somebody is trying to release an archangel named Abordast and that third of the angels that were supposedly punished for trying to sit the fence during the War of Rebellion?  Cause its an awesome premise :)
The whole novel deals with the idea of fallen angels and how might those that repent of their rebellion be able to return to heaven. Yes, Abordast is a Archangel who was the head of an angelic legion. He wasn't punished for fence sitting. He followed Lucifer, but his power rivaled Lucifer's too much, so Lucifer imprisoned him and his followers. I have other sections far more polished, but I will hold onto those for now. :-)
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Offline Dresdenus Prime

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Re: An unexpected conversation
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2012, 01:47:47 PM »
You've defnately got my interest, there is a lot of potential there. 

Took the words right out of my mouth! 

 I think this sounds real good so far, especially being a first draft! Sign me up if you will need any beta readers when the manuscript is finished!  ;D 8)
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Offline Quantus

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Re: An unexpected conversation
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2012, 01:49:36 PM »
Took the words right out of my mouth! 

 I think this sounds real good so far, especially being a first draft! Sign me up if you will need any beta readers when the manuscript is finished!  ;D 8)
Ditto  :)
<(o)> <(o)>
        / \
      (o o)
   \==-==/


“We’re all imaginary friends to one another."

"An entire life, an entire personality, can be permanently altered by just one sentence." -An Accidental Villain

Offline PilgrimDan

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Re: An unexpected conversation
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2012, 09:34:11 PM »
Me too. I think you're definitely on to something here, Torv.

Offline Torvaldr

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Re: An unexpected conversation
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2012, 09:50:07 PM »
Okay, here is a teaser from the beginning.

I’m not supposed to be dead. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Someone made a really big mistake somewhere, because the last thing anyone should have wanted to do was kill me. You see I am far more dangerous when I’m dead. Not making sense to you? Well that is going to take a while to explain. But then, being dead I have all the time I need.
   I am an angel. Or I used to be. I made a very large mistake a few eons ago and listened to a fella named Lucifer. The next thing I know, I had a rather abrupt address change. Humans throughout history have made a rather big deal out of the “War in Heaven”. Believe me, it wasn’t as grand or dramatic as you might think. Once an angel has lost the Word, he isn’t nearly as tough as he was before. At least not compared to angels still in the Bosses’ good graces. Hey, I made a funny.
   Once those of us who were stupid enough, or deluded enough, made the decision to oppose the Will of the Word, it was pretty much a foregone conclusion. Michael and the rest just did the mopping up and we were gone.
   So we were cast out, or down, or choose your own adjective. What happened next may surprise some of you. As you already know quite a few set out to do what they could to make things miserable for mankind. That group blamed man for a lot of things. Much like a child who has been caught doing something wrong tries to blame someone else. So they spend their time corrupting those they can, trying to prove to the Word that they are not to blame, and should be allowed to come home. No big surprise that He isn’t buying it.
   Most of the rest not causing trouble are pretty much just sitting around feeling sorry for themselves. Wailing, moaning, and making a lot of noise. Believe me as bad as the first crowd is, the last thing you want to do, is somehow manage to grab the attention of one of these guys. They are just itching to take out their frustrations on anyone or anything. No plan. No restraint. Just mindless fury. It can get very messy.
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