First 100. Thoughts?

[meg_evonne]

Mom and Dad lay dead on the challenge field, but their blood pumped from wounds by hearts that didn’t have the decency to stop. The thick, red liquid flowed in rivulets across the rocky ground, collected in tiny pools, and then broke free again in miniature waterfalls. Fresh from their kill, the war lady and her knight consort wiped their stained swords, but didn’t sheath them. Armor clanked as they came to me. A butcher shop smell filled my nose and left a rancid taste that twisted my tongue. Why, when the bloody ground smelled as sweet as Asteroid offerings?

[The Deposed King]

Mom and Dad lay dead on the challenge field, but their blood pumped from wounds by hearts that didn’t have the decency to stop. The thick, red liquid flowed in rivulets across the rocky ground, collected in tiny pools, and then broke free again in miniature waterfalls. Fresh from their kill, the war lady and her knight consort wiped their stained swords, but didn’t sheath them. Armor clanked as they came to me. A butcher shop smell filled my nose and left a rancid taste that twisted my tongue. Why, when the bloody ground smelled as sweet as Asteroid offerings?

At first I thought the war lady and her knight had killed their own mom and dad, but then realized I was misreading it.

The asteroid offerings threw me, I thought for moment this was a sci-fi novel of some kind.  Then eventually settled on fantasy.  The minature watefalls of blood, meh.

On the whole it sounds like we are looking at one traumatized kid.

So impression of this start, I think with a little 'minor' revision this will be one rocking section.

The three things I'd look at:


Decency: (when he/she/it uses the word doesn't have the decency to die I am wondering if there isn't a better word choice, unless these were diabolical parents and we're better off without them, alternately she's in deep shock and we'll see that later on)

Waterfalls: (that last bit after the comma ending in waterfalls just didn't float my boat.  alter, chop or even extend? but definitely get a second opinion I might just be off)

Asteroids: (if this is a sci-fi book totally keep it, if a fantasy make sure you explain your system that includes asteroids as either magic or slang term)

But its really hard to know if or how stuff needs work without what comes after.  But then again, who am I?  Me I'd take this start and finish my book before ever returning to it and then I'd have my brother help make sure it shined but then that's just me.



The Deposed King

[superpsycho]

Using the terms mom and dad would suggest a child of younger age. There is a lot of imagery but none of the horror or emotion I'd expect from a child, especially in a first person narrative. Of course this could be a race like Vulcans or one based on military discipline, that would show little if no emotion.  The mention of ground rather than floor would suggest a camp or arena. Possibly gladiatorial type combat or an attack by a rival pair. Possibly a feud between clans or something.

The style is a little wordy for my taste and as already suggested a change of some of the terminology might make it read a little better.  But no one can really be certain with just one paragraph. With more context there might be a better understanding of this child's reaction.   

[meg_evonne]

cool. thanks for the input! Solved the POV problem, set an age, and I'll keep the waterfalls--I use them later and, yes, the asteroids are part of the world building...  Still, I might have made it worse? Fast edits; never a good idea.

Hows about:

My mom and dad lay dead on the challenge field. Their blood flowed in red rivulets across rocky ground, collected in tiny pools, and then broke free again in miniature waterfalls. Only seventeen years of intense training--my whole life--kept me rooted in place, emotion stripped from my face.

Fresh from their kill, the war lady and her knight consort wiped their stained swords as they came to me. A butcher shop smell filled my nose and left a rancid taste that twisted my tongue. Why, when the bloody ground smelled as sweet as offerings to the Asteroids?

[OZ]

I think the revision is much clearer. I like it. I don't understand the last sentence but I have the feeling that I would as the story progressed. Like some of the others I struggled a little with the waterfalls. I think I could take the waterfalls better with a little more detail on the terrain. Perhaps if instead of "across rocky ground" it said something like " down the rocky slope" or instead of "broke free in minature waterfalls", you said something along the lines of "spilled over the edge in minature waterfalls." This is minor but on relatively level ground, even if rocky, I don't get the feeling of directional flow that I do if there is some reason for the blood to flow in a given direction rather than just pooling around the bodies and filling any indentations until they overflow all around their edges.

Minor quibbles aside it seems a catchy opening. It makes me want to read more to discover what is happening.

[The Deposed King]

I think the revision is much clearer. I like it. I don't understand the last sentence but I have the feeling that I would as the story progressed. Like some of the others I struggled a little with the waterfalls. I think I could take the waterfalls better with a little more detail on the terrain. Perhaps if instead of "across rocky ground" it said something like " down the rocky slope" or instead of "broke free in minature waterfalls", you said something along the lines of "spilled over the edge in minature waterfalls." This is minor but on relatively level ground, even if rocky, I don't get the feeling of directional flow that I do if there is some reason for the blood to flow in a given direction rather than just pooling around the bodies and filling any indentations until they overflow all around their edges.

Minor quibbles aside it seems a catchy opening. It makes me want to read more to discover what is happening.

Maybe chance the 'why when the ground smelled as sweet' to 'why -did- the ground smell as sweet.

This opening paragraph is much much better.  You can keep it just like it is if you follow it up with a smashing second paragraph.  I wouldn't go quite as far in my critiqu as OZ here after the revision.


The Deposed King

[superpsycho]

cool. thanks for the input! Solved the POV problem, set an age, and I'll keep the waterfalls--I use them later and, yes, the asteroids are part of the world building...  Still, I might have made it worse? Fast edits; never a good idea.

Hows about:

My mom and dad lay dead on the challenge field. Their blood flowed in red rivulets across rocky ground, collected in tiny pools, and then broke free again in miniature waterfalls. Only seventeen years of intense training--my whole life--kept me rooted in place, emotion stripped from my face.

Fresh from their kill, the war lady and her knight consort wiped their stained swords as they came to me. A butcher shop smell filled my nose and left a rancid taste that twisted my tongue. Why, when the bloody ground smelled as sweet as offerings to the Asteroids?

It’s definitely better but are you exploiting the scene for its full potential impact on the reader. The words ‘mom and dad’ still indicate a younger mental age or naiveté though it could be a cultural preposition that may be referenced later in the story. I think with a few minor changes it would have more impact and read slightly smoother.

Something like:

My parents lay dead on the field of challenge. The blood from their bodies held me transfixed, as it flowed in red rivulets across rocky ground. At first the tiny streams collected in pools, only to break free and cascade down steps like thick miniature waterfalls, almost frozen in time.

At seventeen I knew tradition but it took every ounce of discipline from years of intense training to keep me rooted in place and emotion stripped from my face. Fresh from their kill, I watched the war lady and her knight consort wipe their stained swords as they came towards me. A butcher shop smell filled my nose and left a rancid taste that tormented my tongue. Why then, did the bloody ground smell sweet, like offerings to the Asteroids?

By providing a greater sense it is what he is seeing and feeling. The reader sees it from his eyes, thus builds a closer emotional link.

[OZ]

I thought that I should mention that as TDK said I think it would stand perfectly well as is at the beginning of a page. Any changes that I mentioned are only the result of my over examining because I have only a single paragraph to read.