Conveying a Lull in Convo

[blgarver]

It's been forever since I've been on the forum, so...hey guys.  Glad to be back.

The topic at hand is this:  an awkward lull in a conversation between two characters.

In the scene I'm working on, the MC and his love interest (at least for now) are walking together back to town.  He tries to make conversation and says something stupid, bla bla bla.  Kind of typical young love sort of dynamic.

Is there a better technique to convey the awkward lull after the MC's lame comment other than "And then there was an awkward lull."?  I really don't like to Tell when I can avoid it.  Is it too heavy-handed to go into the MC's head for some observational World Building as he flails inwardly?  Because that's where my instinct keeps leading me.

Any input is appreciated...I'm gonna stare at the white space and dose myself with coffee until I can get through this part.

Thanks!

BLG

[the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh]

Is there a better technique to convey the awkward lull after the MC's lame comment other than "And then there was an awkward lull."?  I really don't like to Tell when I can avoid it.  Is it too heavy-handed to go into the MC's head for some observational World Building as he flails inwardly?

Nope; go inside his head and stick with his thoughts and observations until the conversation begins again is how I would proceed there, too.

(Extra points if you figure out how long it will be, walk the appropriate distance, and fit the conversation and thought processes accurately into that time.)

[Enchantedwater]

The silence stretched between them as he wished despretly to take back the words that had flown from his mouth so casually. He could see how they hurt her but it was the truth and he had to be truthful with her. He had to be.

^^^^^^^^ EXAMPLE^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[blgarver]

(Extra points if you figure out how long it will be, walk the appropriate distance, and fit the conversation and thought processes accurately into that time.)

Holy crap, I hadn't even thought about that.  I am profoundly awful at that sort of detail.  But it's a good suggestion.  Gonna have to consult my world map now.

[LizW65]

"By the time she responded, we'd walked almost three blocks and the heavy silence was starting to get to me."  Something like that?

[blgarver]

Okay, here's what I came up with.  Out of context, I know, but it is within the first few pages of the book, so the reader won't know a lot at this point anyway.  I think I like it.  I'm still considering the distance/passage-of-time thing, but for first draft purposes I think I'm happy.

---

Ansel wished he had something clever to say.  He wondered what she was thinking.  Probably something clever.  He was glad she hadn't been there to see his lame attempt to skip stones.  Ansel wondered how far Leeva's stone would have skipped had it not been blocked by the shore.
   He turned to her and blurted,  "You're good at throwing rocks."
   Leeva giggled.  "Thanks, I guess."
   Ansel nodded, grinning haplessly.  She grinned back.  They kept walking.  Leeva turned her eyes back to the road.  Ansel's grin fell away, and he looked at his feet, watching his boots.  Throwing rocks? He thought.  She's good at throwing rocks?  He'd known Leeva since he could remember.  In Crookhollow, it was hard not to know someone.  But he was a boy and she was a girl, and their paths as youngsters rarely crossed.
   "So, how's the banner going?"  He asked her, grabbing at anything to move on from the stone-throwing comment.
   Leeva shrugged.  "Okay I guess.  It's just a banner.  Same as every year."
   "Well, I bet it will be better than last year's."
   She laughed.  It was a loud, bright, unfettered sound.  "Oh, that's saying a lot.  How do you misspell the name of your own town, anyway?"
   "Mrs. Bogda is an outsider, you know."  Ansel said.  "Crookhollow's not really her town."
   "I guess."  Leeva watched a butterfly as it passed in front of her, her blue eyes bobbing with the creature's movement.  "She's been here long enough that it shouldn't matter, though."
   Ansel nodded.  "Crookhollow, Crackhollow.  Same difference, really."

---

Any thoughts?  I'm tough, so don't hold back.

Thanks for the input!

BLG

[Figging Mint]

Color coded for reference:

   Ansel nodded, grinning haplessly.  She grinned back.  They kept walking.  Leeva turned her eyes back to the road.  Ansel's grin fell away, and he looked at his feet, watching his boots. Throwing rocks? He thought.  She's good at throwing rocks?  He'd known Leeva since he could remember. In Crookhollow, it was hard not to know someone.  But he was a boy and she was a girl, and their paths as youngsters rarely crossed.

I don't like to mix external observation and internal observation in the same paragraph (I prefer to avoid internal observation altogether because that in itself is a tell not a show).

The part that really throws me is the part in green, because it seems like Ansel should be thinking it, except that it's not a level of thought you would expect a boy tongue-tied in front of a girl to have.   It is more abstract than that, a level of thought that a detached old wife would have.    And so, there are three separate levels of things going on in one paragraph, and that might tend to distract the reader from the mood of "MUST find SOMETHING to say!".

I would have preferred to shift part of the next sentence

   "So, how's the banner going?"  He asked her, grabbing at anything to move on from the stone-throwing comment.

back up into that other paragraph, just to give a clearer sense of a protracted, urgent hunt for words, followed by rapidfire no-thought blurtings.

Thus:

Ansel nodded, grinning haplessly.  She grinned back.  They kept walking.  Leeva turned her eyes back to the road.  Ansel's grin fell away, and he looked at his feet, watching his boots.  Throwing rocks? He thought.  She's good at throwing rocks?  He'd known Leeva since he could remember.  In Crookhollow, it was hard not to know someone.  But he was a boy and she was a girl, and their paths as youngsters rarely crossed.  His brain ached and and his face burned to move on from stone-throwing comment.  He grabbed at the first thing he knew about her.     
 "So, how's the banner going?"

Or something.

[Quantus]

The simplest way I can think of is to start describing the scene and their actions in great detail.  Its similar to what Neuro was say about going into their heads, but trying to track of the passage of time.  In my experience when people find themselves in an awkward silence, they start to flail about for a topic, for something worth noticing enough to comment on (or they just start rambling stupidly; you know, either way).  So go inside their heads and start describing to sound of their footsteps, the litter the street they have to step to avoid, the itch on his leg he doesnt think he can scratch without her noticing.  The more you describe what they are doing /instead/ of talking the more the silence will loom. 

Try to keep the descriptions to things that are happening instead of things that just are.  Event that are happening require a certain about of time (time that isnt being spent in conversation) so that keeps things moving in the reader's mind.  He can notice a world of smells and colors and abstract philosophies in the blink of an eye, but each action they take, or witness happening, uses up a bit of the timeline, so the reader can then notice how much talking they are /not/ doing.  It can also be helpful tot he reader to include an obvious marker of the passage of time.  Maybe they are sipping wine in silence and nearly finish the bottle by the time they get back.  Maybe she is idling picking flowers by the roadside as the walk and has finished twisting a garland buy the time they start talking again.  Noting changes in shadow length or the heat of the day are classics. 

And like Neuro said, if you are careful you might even time it accurately to the travel distance.

[OZ]

I think you've gotten some good advice. I like what Neurovore said and I think FM made things a little clearer. I think this tags in with what Quantus was saying but in addition to thinking about Leeva and what he said, have him hear crickets chirp or the waves crashing or people in their homes in the distance. Have him notice the path under his boots, stones and puddles. Have him smell the pines they are walking through or the salt air. All of these things will start to add up and give the impression of a protracted silence.

[blgarver]

Hey guys.  Thanks for the input!  This one especially rang my bell a bit, because I had that little burning in the back of my head while I was writing it.

The part that really throws me is the part in green, because it seems like Ansel should be thinking it, except that it's not a level of thought you would expect a boy tongue-tied in front of a girl to have.   It is more abstract than that, a level of thought that a detached old wife would have.    And so, there are three separate levels of things going on in one paragraph, and that might tend to distract the reader from the mood of "MUST find SOMETHING to say!".

I would have preferred to shift part of the next sentence

back up into that other paragraph, just to give a clearer sense of a protracted, urgent hunt for words, followed by rapidfire no-thought blurtings.

It's going to be a challenge for me to portray a believable thought process for a 13 y/o, but I was 13 once - and in most ways I still am - so I hope with some elbow grease I can make it more appropriate.  I'll definitely look at this more closely as I continue to work on Ansel's story, and even more closely once I reach the fabled revision process.

The input is much appreciated.  It will help.

Thanks everyone!

BLG