Addictions - your experiences?

[BobForPresident]

I'm writing a character who struggles with addiction. There's enough material out there to know what it LOOKS like to be an addict, and what one DOES when one is an addict, but not a lot on what it actually FEELS like.

So my question is - what is the FEELING of the actual, physical addiction? There's a lot associated with it: depression, anger, complancency, and it varies from person to person. But is there another need (the need for food or affection, etc) that the actual desire to indulge one's addiction is comparable to?

My request: if any of you who have been addicted to anything (drugs, alcohol, sex, food, cleanliness, etc) would feel comfortable sharing what the actual feeling of needing that vice feels like TO YOU, I'd be grateful.

Example: My father experiences severe headaches and nausea (flu-like) when he doesn't get his tobacco fix. His body makes him sick in order to encourage him to smoke.

Again, I know it's different for everybody. I want to know how it was (or, godforbid, is) for you.

[OpticChaos]

What kind of addiction does your character have? Only want to know so I can see if my story is relevant before I share it.

[BobForPresident]

What kind of addiction does your character have? Only want to know so I can see if my story is relevant before I share it.

Uhm, would you mind sharing before I tell you? I don't want to bias you.

[OpticChaos]

Well, ok then.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, I'm 21. I'm a genius, as in I have an IQ of one, and found school way too easy. I was bored and some part of me decided that to deal with that, I would cut classes and go get drunk in the park with some of my friends. This led to me failing exams and not getting into college. Which in turn led to me being unemployed and bored, so again I turned to alcohol to combat the boredness. I stopped even looking for jobs and just drank alot. A year ago, I ended up in hospital after passing out in the street, breaking my arm in the process some how, and a good samaritan being concerned for me. This isn't what stopped me drinking though. What stopped me was that, whilst in hospital, I couldn't get any alcohol and the effects it had on me made me realise I needed help. I started feeling sick, and irritable, it started out as me just snapping at the nurses and doctor, and my friends who came to see me. Eventually I got to the point that I was in withdrawal so bad that I tried to physically attack my sister because she brought me the wrong magazine. Seeing her face when I lashed out stopped me from hurting her, and made me want help. The doctor realised that I was an addict and gave me the information of a rehab near me and the staff psychologist talked to me in the hospital. (Been sober for a year now)

Any other information you might need just ask, but thats my story. *Shrug*

[BobForPresident]

Any other information you might need just ask, but thats my story. *Shrug*

First of all...wow. Thank you so much for sharing. That can't have been easy.

When you felt the need to drink, right before you drank, what was it like? Did you feel like you were really sad? Or even really thirsty?  In other words, what emotions and feelings were you feeling, in the moment, right before you reached for a bottle?

[Snowleopard]

I've never been an addict BfP but I lived with one, my dad.  He was, what I called, a periodic chronic alcoholic.  He'd stay sober for 9 months to a year and then go on a three month binge.  I always knew when he was starting because his voice would get ever so blurry sounding.  And inside I'd get this cold empty feeling because I knew he was drinking again.
He even sent me to the store one time when I was 10 or so to get beer for him.  Of course they did not give it to me.
And the binge was so rough on his stomach that when he stopped drinking he literally had to live on ice water for near a week or so.

Because he drank, and his mother drank and that I'm Native American on my mother's side - I never got into drinking.  I figured that I had three strikes against me and that the chances of being chemically addicted, for me, were way too high to ever take the chance.

It's not a first hand story of addiction but it's a first hand story of being in an addict's family.

[DoTArchon]

I've also had a bout with alcoholism in my past, I remember getting home from work and if I didn't have any liquor in the house, or couldn't afford to go buy, I would start getting angry and restless. Didn't know what to do with myself. I would pace around the room smoking almost constantly, and when I finally went to bed, would lie there feeling depressed. Was a bad time for me. After the 3rd or 4th time I didn't make it to work cause I had overslept from the booze, my dad (who I was working for at the time), gave me an ultimatum. He didn't know about the drinking but the thought of losing my job and my fathers respect kinda shook me out of it.

...what emotions and feelings were you feeling, in the moment, right before you reached for a bottle?

I was impatient the whole day to get home and get to the bottle. When I poured the drink I knew that I would forget all my problems soon. It was a feeling of relief, knowing that I could turn my brain off for a while. (shudder) Not a pleasant memory.

[OpticChaos]

First of all...wow. Thank you so much for sharing. That can't have been easy.

When you felt the need to drink, right before you drank, what was it like? Did you feel like you were really sad? Or even really thirsty?  In other words, what emotions and feelings were you feeling, in the moment, right before you reached for a bottle?

Your welcome.

It was boredom, boredom and depresssion. I started because I was bored, but the drinking made my life worse so I got depressed and drank more. So I guess you could say the thoughts and emotions that I felt right before I reached for a drink were sadness and a need to have something to do.

Hope this helps, I can't think how else to describe it.

[Enjorous]

I don't have any first hand experience but I used to do some work at a residential treatment facility (not rehab because it included more than those recovering from chemical dependency). But about 1/3 of them were recovering from something, though that wasn't always why they were there.

Almost all of them fell into a pattern that went something like: craving-->stress-->score-->relief. Craving was the instance where they first felt the need to use, stress came after. Stress for some of them was just a feeling of irritability, others experienced trembling hands, but the one I remember more than the others said that just before he'd score said that his eyeballs would itch, and his tongue tickled his teeth.

[BobForPresident]

You guys are heroes, all of you. Thank you so much for your insights. I guess it's only right that I share too.

I am a drug addict, but not by choice. When I was around 4 years old, doctors got me hooked on Phenobarbital until I was about 10 to curb seizures I was having, caused by food allergies. After I was pulled off it, I was angry and my hand-eye coordination was shot. To fix both problems, my parents put me in Tae Kwon Do for my rage, and bought me a guitar to get the manual dexterity back in order (BTW, When Harry started playing guitar to deal with his burned hand, it brought a little tear to my eye). It probably saved my life. Now, at 30, I'm back to where I should be with one noteable exception - I'm still a drug addict. For life. Which means that if given hard drugs, my body goes back to addict mode, something a doctor warned me about.

I didn't take it seriously, though, and when I was 26 I got incredibly sick, and started taking Tylenol 3. Boom - I developed a dependency on codine. What blew my mind was how so subtle the process of addiction was - I literally had no clue I was addicted. So much in fact that after taking double doses every day for two weeks, I just stopped. And then had withdrawals the next night after. It was amazing, really.

But what really amazed me was my own will-power. I didn't have to fight not to take them. I just knew how screwed up it made me, and so I didn't go after them. But even now, I still kind of crave the euphoria. It was such an easy fix, a quick way to get up on that trippy pedestal and feel good.

But sex and food and most of all acting are way better. And I can't do any of them if I'm f*cked up on codine. So I'm clean. I drink some, I smoke a pipe, but despite my history, I've never really had to battle addiction.

So...on to the world of fiction.

My character, Niles Harcourt, is a pill-popper. He digs Vicodin and X, acid and heroin. He's wealthy, charming, and incredibly high-profile. The end result is that his CEO father has a standing account with LAPD to keep his ass out of jail. To say he struggles with addiction isn't quite right - it's more like he revels in it.

Writing from the perspective of a character who so blantantly flaunts his addiction is difficult. He's not a sullen, sit-in-the-corner rocking back and forth kind of addict who has to rob people for money to get his fix. He's wealthy as all hell, so having drug money is never a problem, so once I pull him out of his need to take them, he's on his own (like I was with the Codine). He has no program, he's still rich, still has his connections. But he puts himself through the process of getting clean (or as he says "clean-ish") so he can do what he has to do.

But it's the urges I needed perspective on. And you guys have helped me with that admirably. Thanks again.

[Starbeam]

One suggestion is to find Less than Zero, with RDJ, and watch that cause he's basically playing himself, which is a rich kid on drugs.

[Snowleopard]

Another film to look at, it isn't about a chemical addiction but is about addiction is
The Gambler staring James Caan.  It's based off a real person - so addicted to gambling
that even when given money to get clear - gambles it away.
Very, very powerful.

[Fyrchick]

I think there are 2 parts to every addiction- the addict and his/her environment. This includes actual places as well as people, social standards and support.
I am not an addict, but I have a family that is pretty much all addicts of some sort. I also deal with addicts on a regular basis as part of my job.
I think Enj gave a very succinct but accurate 'flow chart' about the ritual of the addiction. There is always some kind of comfort in the routine of securing the 'high'. For cigarette smokers this is everything from buying and opening a pack of smokes, to getting one out, to lighting it, etc. For drinkers, there is the pouring of the drink, the first sip, etc. The substance becomes irrelevant. The most successful detox programs use some kind of behavior modification to supplant or break the ritual.
Addiction as a means of coping mechanism for people without any sort of emotional coping skills is common. Another component of the successful programs is intensive therapy to learn how to identify and then deal with the situations and emotions that send people back to the drug. Writing this for a character might mean some kind of internal dialog or whatever that happens to justify using. The the ritual of using. Then the post-use guilt/disappointment/disgust etc.

I would think that when writing an addicted character this would be an important part of the appeal of the 'substance'. From my own experience I have observed this many, many times. This also applies to the everything related to the addiction. For example, there is a woman in the town where I work who is a dedicated alcoholic. Every time she gets to the end of the month and runs out of money she then runs out of booze and smokes. Then she calls 911 because she is 'sick' and WANTS to go to detox. She does this on a monthy/bi-monthly basis. So her drinking has a ritual and then the loss of alcohol has a ritual.

As for environment that is a little more obvious. Is the character is a place where substance use and abuse is common or shameful? How much effort goes into getting and then using their drug? Does the character have an excuse "I'm in so much pain" "But I'm an addict" or is it a symptom of something else i.e. PTSD or other trauma? Are they addicted to the drug or the DRAMA that goes with using it? Because I have found that quite often people use the excuse of "I'm an addict" to excuse any behavior that is destructive. They live for the label and not the disease, if that makes sense.

The other environmental thing is enablers. If you spend any time at all with addicts and their 'families' (of any makeup) it is often RAPIDLY evident that the people around them allow it. They buy booze for them, drive them all over creation when they have a DUI license suspension, pay their court fees, cook for them, etc. There is no incentive to change. EVERY addict has an enabler, even if it is themselves.

As for feelings... how do you feel when you are thirsty? How do you know you are dehydrated? What do you do when you realize it? What about food? Sleep? The need is very physical, and your solution is 'obvious', right?  Addictions create a false need, and then the physical clues to it just like sleep or thirst.

I can give you pages and pages of behaviors, events, stories, etc. about alcoholics. Everyone from super-high functioning to the passed out in a gutter naked in a foreign country to in jail alcoholics and pill poppers. If you want some drop me a PM! Honestly, the naked tazed man is hilarious. 

Another good movie.. Leaving Las Vegas.

[Kali]

My addiction was milder, to cigarettes.  Since it was a socially accepted addiction, it was insidious.  What amazed me was how easy it was to smoke and how little I noticed when I was doing it.  It would just... happen.  One minute I'd be sitting there, reading a book, and the next minute there was a half-smoked cigarette between my fingers.  I would have no memory of putting the book down, getting my cigarettes out of my purse, pulling one out, and lighting it.  It was kinda creepy, actually.

It wasn't until I decided to quit that I realized how often it had happened, because there were no cigarettes to reach for.  I'd get twitchy, itchy.  I couldn't sit still, I *had* to go find a cigarette.  One or two times, I even became that person who digs through ashtrays hoping to find one I hadn't smoked all the way down.

[BobForPresident]

My addiction was milder, to cigarettes.  Since it was a socially accepted addiction, it was insidious.  What amazed me was how easy it was to smoke and how little I noticed when I was doing it.  It would just... happen.  One minute I'd be sitting there, reading a book, and the next minute there was a half-smoked cigarette between my fingers.  I would have no memory of putting the book down, getting my cigarettes out of my purse, pulling one out, and lighting it.  It was kinda creepy, actually.

It wasn't until I decided to quit that I realized how often it had happened, because there were no cigarettes to reach for.  I'd get twitchy, itchy.  I couldn't sit still, I *had* to go find a cigarette.  One or two times, I even became that person who digs through ashtrays hoping to find one I hadn't smoked all the way down.

So, when you wanted a smoke, was it that you were feeling bad (twitchy and itchy) and knew that a cigarette would help? Or is it more akin to like, being hungry or thirsty?