Grammar Challenge... Are you up to the task?

[meg_evonne]

I found this sentence (punctuation removed) from a recent read. I'm curious how you would punctuate it.  I'll wait a few days and then post the copy from the book and identify it. I know it's tough to read without punctuation (even tougher to type), but I figure we'll see a wide variety of suggestions.  Grammar: science or art, or perhaps science and art?   

"He saw himself as a man manager and was a public voice in the drive to reform Scotlands penal system brighter better-equipped halls a strong emphasis on vocational training education and counseling no more overcrowding no more brutality." 

I certainly would not have written it as the author did, but I'm a grammar duffer at the best of times.

[Shecky]

Depends on a number of factors: what exactly were the author's intentions in terms of meaning? What style? Is it intended to mimic an oral approach?

[Gruud]

Here's my edit 

"He saw himself as a man manager, and was a public voice in the drive to reform Scotlands penal system; brighter, better-equipped halls, a strong emphasis on vocational training, education and counseling; no more overcrowding, no more brutality." 


I can diagram them too, although I'd not want to do this one. 

[black_hawk_sam]

He saw himself as a man, manager and was a public voice in the drive to reform Scotland's penal system; brighter, better-equipped halls; a strong emphasis on vocational training. Education and counseling; no more overcrowding, no more brutality...


It's different, and not exactly how I would have worded it but... whatevs.

[meg_evonne]

both are close. To make it easier, I will allow that it reads, "man manager" with quotes, although there may be additional punctuation in there as well.  And you are both very close.

[black_hawk_sam]

He saw himself as a man manager and was a public voice in the drive to reform Scotland's penal system; brighter, better-equipped halls; a strong emphasis on vocational training, education and counseling; no more overcrowding, no more brutality...


Is this better?

I was trying to make a different meaning than what was already posted... didn't realize that we were trying to capture the original. Guess I forgot that part of the directions...

heehee

[meg_evonne]

yes, I caught it. *smiling*

[Mickey Finn]

Here's mine:

"Fish."

Sorry, I'll go back to work now....

[meg_evonne]

Bluegills? *smiling* 

[Mickey Finn]

Well, it IS the penal system....

[Shecky]

"He saw himself as a man-manager and was a public voice in the drive to reform Scotland's penal system: brighter, better-equipped halls, a strong emphasis on vocational training, education and counseling, no more overcrowding, no more brutality."

I use commas instead of semicolons here because semicolons project more of a pause in the thought process, as opposed to a simple continuation of a list (as indicated by the colon). But I'd like to know precisely what was meant by "man manager"; if they meant "a man and a manager", a slash would be more appropriate.

[black_hawk_sam]

the way I had puntuated it was more of a monolouge... the semi colons were where a heroic pose would be struck and chin lifted to the distance...

[Shecky]

I was punctuating it to be a grammatical, written sentence; stage-direction punctuation is a bit iffy in that area.

[black_hawk_sam]

or as in a speech... direct quote narration from a 3rd person limited POV... maybe?

[Starbeam]

"He saw himself as a man-manager and was a public voice in the drive to reform Scotland's penal system: brighter, better-equipped halls, a strong emphasis on vocational training, education and counseling, no more overcrowding, no more brutality."

I use commas instead of semicolons here because semicolons project more of a pause in the thought process, as opposed to a simple continuation of a list (as indicated by the colon). But I'd like to know precisely what was meant by "man manager"; if they meant "a man and a manager", a slash would be more appropriate.

I'd do it like this, except maybe a comma after education and a semicolon after counseling.