Y'know what's weird? I'm assuming many, if not most, of us have read Stephen King's "On Writing." I thought it was fascinating, not only the actual writerly stuff but also the look into the life of a full-time writer. I remember him talking about his alcoholism and how he doesn't remember even writing... What was it, Cujo? He talked later about how when he stopped drinking, he was terrified that he wouldn't be able to write. That he'd become so accustomed to writing while drunk, he had to re-find his faith in his talent, had to re-learn the actual act of accessing his subconscious while sober.
I kinda get that now.
At the risk of over-sharing or becoming one of those whiny people, I had a serious rock-bottom time with my depression. I actively tried to commit suicide. So that, needless to say, took me out at the knees as far as writing. But now I'm better, I'm recovering. I'm in therapy, I'm on anti-depressants (and not the ones that led to the suicidal ideation either), and for so long, for months, I've been afraid to write.
I got so used to writing as a way of disconnecting from the world. I got used to it being part of my isolation, my own little safe bubble, that now that I'm leading a more-or-less normal life, I'm not sure I know how to write. I know I used to "feel like" writing because it was what I did to escape life. Now that I don't need to escape life, I'm having to redefine what writing is to me, why I do it. And I'm having to learn how to write while not depressed.
So that's what's really behind suspending all demands on myself. I'm learning to write for fun, as *part* of my life not *as* my life. And I'm learning that I still have talent, that I don't need to be depressed and alone in order to write. I'm learning how to write with a new mindset. Heck, a new mind.
Anyway, thread de-rail over.
