Need help with a Writing Problem, Please

[Liger]

So, I have an idea for a book, however I have been having trouble getting this idea down on paper.  I can visualized the various scenes in the book, and have written up and drawn a diagram of the plot, however when I get to actually writing down the story I come to standstill.  I begin to fret over which words would be the best to use, and worry that each senetence is not as good as it could be.

I used to play some online text based rpgs, which is actually what got me interested in writing.  Those helped me better understand writing, but I am still having issues with this.  If any of you can offer advice, it would be much appreciated.

Here is a sample of the prologue,
     The rain fell in a soft patter around a tall, shadowy figure as he pulled his coat tighter to keep the cold off his body.  Hurrying through the dimly lit street, the figure only paused to check over his shoulder.  The moon shown faintly through the cloud cover, revealing the shadowy man moved briskly through the cold night.  Suddenly coming to a sharp halt under one of the street lights, the man turned and looked behind him, searching the dark rain.  With a short nod to himself in satisfaction that he had not been followed, the man continued down the road a little further until he came to a narrow alley with a short, stubby door at the far end.  Turning off the street and walking down the alley, the man worked his way past half-full trash cans and broken beer bottles to the other end of the alley and the door.  Pulling a set of keys out of his pocket, the man squinted in the dark as he fumbled around with his keys. 

[Starbeam]

Simple answer, just write.  And if it's crap, then it's crap.  That's why it's called a rough draft.  You can always go back and edit/revise later.  For the most part, it's pretty rare to get something in the final form with absolutely no changes whatsoever the first time you write it down.

Also, just from that prologue bit, try varying the sentence structure more.  Every sentence you have is a complex sentence--either clause, dependent clause, or dependent clause, clause.  Try mixing in simple or compound sentences.  Or compound complex.

[Nickeris86]

you might also want to vary your wording, you use a lot of shadows, and nights in it, little repetitive.

as for writing, i been having the same issue with a book of mine that i just recently started cracking down on. i was given the same advise of just keep on writing and fix it later, unfortunately that's not how my brain works when i am typing i want to get it over with. so i started writing out my ideas and such in a journal and that really got the brain goo sloshing about.

[the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh]

Also, just from that prologue bit, try varying the sentence structure more.  Every sentence you have is a complex sentence--either clause, dependent clause, or dependent clause, clause.  Try mixing in simple or compound sentences.  Or compound complex.

Why would you want to do that ? Doing it this way generates a distinctive voice, which is a plus point.

Lots of short simple sentences gives you a Sam Spade feel. Loots of compound complex sentences gives you a d'Artagnan feel. Either is worth having.

[emgirl]

As a screenwriter and librarian, the best advice anyone can give is...just write. Of course it's gonna be crap the first few times, but then...not so crappy. Then it moves to not quite bad, followed by it's not totally awful, then maybe I can show it to someone who's not my mom. And if you keep it up...who knows? It's not what you write. It's how much do you NEED to write?

[svb1972]

Why would you want to do that ? Doing it this way generates a distinctive voice, which is a plus point.

Lots of short simple sentences gives you a Sam Spade feel. Loots of compound complex sentences gives you a d'Artagnan feel. Either is worth having.

To be fair part of the Compound complex sentences giving you a d'Artagnan feel is that the French are the masters of the compound sentence.  Every paper I wrote in America from the time I was 11 till 24(when i stopped writing papers that were graded) I have had the same problem of "this is a run on sentence, fix it". 

Phoenix guard is written this way to give a feel for it being in "Old Language" instead of "Modern Language"
"By the Horse, I think I have been saying nothing else for the last hour!"

[shades of grey]

i write, i leave it a day or so, i read it back.
if i don't lose track of the time rereading it, i delete it and try again

unless you get all the ideas out you'll never find out which bits work

[Reil]

To be fair part of the Compound complex sentences giving you a d'Artagnan feel is that the French are the masters of the compound sentence.  Every paper I wrote in America from the time I was 11 till 24(when i stopped writing papers that were graded) I have had the same problem of "this is a run on sentence, fix it". 

The longer your sentences the smaller your potential audience.  Not necessarily a bad thing but it's something to consider.  Most Americans read at an 8th grade level which means that they start to have trouble if the average length of a sentence in your story rises above approximately 12 words.  Long sentences are perfectly functional, and can be used to greaty stylistic effect, but you should be careful not to use them too often if your goal is to be widely read.

[Liger]

Thanks for all your imput guys.  You all have given me differnt approaches to consider and your probably right that I should not worry so much about the first draft being perfect.  So once again, thanks.

[meg_evonne]

Status liger?  Wishing you well

[meh]

Most Americans read at an 8th grade level which means that they start to have trouble if the average length of a sentence in your story rises above approximately 12 words.  Long sentences are perfectly functional, and can be used to greaty stylistic effect, but you should be careful not to use them too often if your goal is to be widely read.

 

[the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh]

The longer your sentences the smaller your potential audience.  Not necessarily a bad thing but it's something to consider.  Most Americans read at an 8th grade level which means that they start to have trouble if the average length of a sentence in your story rises above approximately 12 words.  Long sentences are perfectly functional, and can be used to greaty stylistic effect, but you should be careful not to use them too often if your goal is to be widely read.

Most Americans only have a couple of books in the house; an awful lot of them, last numbers I saw, pretty much only have a Bible.

It seems to me that, while there are certain considerations worth bearing in mind for potential audience if you're writing something, one of them that's kind of fundamentally inarguable is people who actually read books.

Also; people whose "goal is to be widely read" don't sell novels.  People who can write a decent book sell novels.

[meg_evonne]

Can't we accept that style variesn that art comes in many forms and remember there is more to life than chasing audiences?  Art takes courage.

[shades of grey]

if you'd ever seen me paint you'd know art takes courage...

for my audience

[meg_evonne]

if you'd ever seen me paint you'd know art takes courage...

for my audience

  LOL  thank you for my Monday funny!