What do you think?

[Mack]

I want to post the beginning of what could be a long story or book.
Main character: Lolita (Lola) Harris


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“The world is not what it seems”

That should be our slogan. Or catchphrase.

It was the damn truth when I found myself mingling with wizards, witches, something-kinetics, were-whatevers, vampires, angels, devils and demons. And what am I? Just some girl that got caught in the middle of everything. I can’t create something out of nothing. I can’t levitate or lift items 100 times my own weight (I can barely lift my own weight regardless). I can’t change my shape or fly or do anything physical with the power of my mind.

So why, oh why, am I friends with these people. And why did they befriend me?

I have the power of being human. You laugh now, but there are some pretty sweet things we can do that they can’t. Like… um… okay, you can laugh. But I do have a gift that has nothing to do with the mystical or the genetically altered.

I notice things.

Before, this “gift” gave me nothing but grief. “Wondering Eyes” I believe is what is used to describe it. I’d look at a person and they’d think I’m a freak. I’d stare into nothing and people would snap their fingers at me. Friends thought I was just creepy, but they kinda liked that about me, hence why they were my friends.

We were in the ballroom of a secret building. Yeah, mysterious ain’t it? No one was really dressed up, so I didn’t bother. Everyone has seen all my nice clothes already, the few that I had.

So I stood by a table pressed against the wall loaded with food. The plate in my hand was brimming with cheeses, meats, veggies, fruits, and candies. I don’t get to eat like this often, so I took what I could.

I was wearing my absolute favorite pants: baggy, blue cargo shorts that felt as if it was made of a silk/cotton blend (though really it was polyester). My x-large, black t-shirt read, “Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups”.

Maybe that should be our slogan!
************************************

That's just the beginning. I'm writing more as we speak. I don't have any Betas (not really sure how to get one anyway).
So..... what do you think?

*sits in chair, biting fingernails"

[loulou]

I'm intrigued, I want to know more

[trboturtle]

There's a writer's forum called Cogni. PM Mickey Finn on here and ask for details, or read http://www.jim-butcher.com/bb/index.php/topic,943.0.html. We've just started out, so it's a good time to hop on in!

Craig

[Josh]

It's an intriguing set up that shows you have a world populated by possibilities and a very clear character in mind that is likely going to get herself kicked into a lot of well-meaning trouble. 

Editorially, I'll say a few things...Is this whole scene a flashback, or is the character narrating it in present tense? Personally, I don't enjoy when a story starts with a flashback, and most of this seems to be in the past tense, as if Lola is remembering this from before.

Just shifting the wording and verbage so it goes...oh, "It was the damn truth when I found myself..." to "It's the damn truth, as I find myself mingling..."

Last thing I'll say is that there is a lot you're just handing the reader right off. I personally think you should show her talent in action rather than just having her tell the reader what she can do. Give them a reason to read more and find out about this character. Have them ask, "Why is she so special that she gets to hang out with this dubious crowd?"...and then show her in action. Plus, having her find or spot or notice something (however she does it) and the way she goes about it gives you all the more opportunity to show what kind of person she's like..timid? angry? clever?

Sorry. You probably just wanted an answer to "Does this look like it will be worth my time writing?" and not a roundtable at the critique group. Well, I'd be interested in seeing where you went with it, yes. Good luck with the writing.


www.jrvogt.com

[Mack]

Josh: thanks. That exactly the kind of stuff i'd like to hear. Most of the time, I just find myself describing the situation and character before ever actually telling the story. It's a habit I've been trying to somewhat break.

And yeah, the story is a present tense narration.

Though, personally, I love it just because I came up with "something-kinetics, were-whatevers" line. I just feel so clever writing that.

Later in the story I have a Charlie character named "Z". (Charlie as in "Charlie's Angels") Also an actual angel named "Bobby".
The story is based in Seattle and I'm thinking of calling "The Underground".

I'm think of changing the Lola's name. But I'm not sure to what. I've always like the name "Lucille" but I'm saving that for a different character in a different story.

[Josh]

Well, I'm glad that was what you were looking for then.

The description is fun, don't let me give you the impression that it isn't. It definetely puts across Lola's voice, which is especially important in first person stories. But yea, description can be seeded throughout the action as it becomes important for the reader to know, rather than making the story top-heavy with sensory details.

Can't really give any advice on character names. I threw in my two bits over on the thread about character naming and its importance in writing a story. My take is that a character can be renamed during any point of the writing or revising process, and that it shouldn't be something that trips up the storytelling (unless the character's name is important to the plot somehow). So, keep writing the story and come back and change the names should you decide to do so.

And yea, I know and love that feeling of writing something that is truly fun to have thought up. You can almost hear the reader snort, giggle, or gasp when they come across that line in the future. Best of luck.



www.jrvogt.com