Author Topic: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....  (Read 42159 times)

Offline RobJN

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #150 on: December 19, 2009, 11:33:54 PM »
Yes, nasty in the G** D*** it, now I keelll to read more. 

Muah ha ha... all part of my Evil Plan™

Offline Polarbear2112

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #151 on: January 11, 2010, 12:16:22 AM »
long ago, when the galaxy was just starting to form, there was war between all that existed. it raged for centruries, destroying many planets and existinces. they fought for control of the Origin planet, were power in magic was immencly powerful, and whoever controlled it, controlled all. yet when they all most destroyed the planet and all exitence, they decreed that no person can touch the Origin planet, for the death of it would be the death of everything that ever existed. the ones that stayed on the origin planet eventually lost touch of there magic, and the Powers sent creatures there to protect the living on the planet, and to keep watch for any invaders. the protectors soon got bored, and lazy do to the treatment they recieved from the humans of Origin, and eventually stopped watching all together. now, evil forces are one the move again, conspiring to take back Origin once again. little do the know that one humans power is slowly starting to wake up, and gain the magic, that was lost, more powefull magic than you can imagine. but what will this human do with it? will he use it to stop the control of his beloved planet, Origin..Earth, they know call it, or will he decide to control it, and use his magic to control all that existed? for destiny is not written in stone, and this one human childs destiny is about to unfold, and only his actions can save, or destroy, all that has ever existed.


it needs some work, but this is an idea that me and my dad came up with.
tell me what you think!
good...bad....hmph, im the guy with the gun

Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #152 on: January 12, 2010, 04:22:15 AM »
Hi Polarbear!  I'm responding even though I have a huge aversion to cold and given the few weeks of subzero Midwest weather, I'm still going to dive into your premise.  :-)

for destiny is not written in stone, and this one human child's destiny is about to unfold, and only his actions can save, or destroy, all that has ever existed.[/i]

I love this hook. Enough said.

Questions: How old is he?  As a woman writer, why did you decide on a female character.
The child is your story and the rest is background.  Who exists around this child?  Parents? Friends? Why does magic manifest in this child?  Why are his powers going to be strong enough to save his planet?  What upbringing did the child have?  Was it happy, sad, boring, exciting?  Does he connect with people?  Prefer science and numbers over people?  What events in the child's life made him who he is?

Is he sad most of the time?  Has he overcome adversity?  Is there a romantic connection in store for the character?  And on and on.  Take a couple big sheets of paper and draw a circle on the left side.  Draw circles for anyone around him and who they are? Write in the events that occurred in his life.  Then move the circle to the right, add a few years, and and again draw the people around him & who are they?  How did they get there?  What events happened?  Then keep going with more circles to the right.  When you hit where the story begins draw several lines to the right--these can be possible storylines.  The more you have the more fun you're going to have.  Mix those up and figure out which storylines can work together.  Have a blast and be as wild and crazy as you possibly can.  At least one should have a 100 lb gorilla.  I mean JB had one right? (Jungle)  So you don't use it, but think wild!  Let your creativity go.  When you have a minimum of 20 storylines?  Then the fun begins.


As to world building...
long ago, when the galaxy was just starting to form, there was war between all that existed. it raged for centruries, destroying many planets and existinces. they fought for control of the Origin planet, were power in magic was immencly powerful, and whoever controlled it, controlled all. yet when they all most destroyed the planet and all exitence, they decreed that no person can touch the Origin planet, for the death of it would be the death of everything that ever existed. 

I get the end of days.  These kind of stories are really hot right now.  (My personal favorite is still Alas Babylon.  I'm not sure you could even find a copy now.)  But WHY is Origin so important? Why would touching it end everything, which is already ended right? You need something MORE than your character lives there.  Use a lot of thought here.  Character building is just a blast, but world building is your structure that everything else must wind around.  It's the structure that everything plays upon.  This isn't organic, but science.  Will this be like earth?  does it look like earth?  Is it radically different?  (A classic read for world building is Ringworld by Niven/Pourelle of something completely new and different.)  Maybe you want to use a Mars environment--something you can research and paint your character into.   Don't assume that a real earth like ours makes it easier, but it might be--for you.

Back to WHY is Origin important.  It's not enough to say it and come up with a reason.  It has to be a reason that your readers are going to care about.  Really care about.  Whole books are out there about how to build worlds.  It's tricky and hard work, but a wonderful puzzle to put together.  Again, have a blast doing this!  Writing and getting your ideas down is the greatest thing in the world, Polarbear.

lthe ones that stayed on the origin planet eventually lost touch of there magic, and the Powers sent creatures there to protect the living on the planet, and to keep watch for any invaders. the protectors soon got bored, and lazy do to the treatment they received from the humans of Origin, and eventually stopped watching all together.
   Again, WHY?  Why did they lose their magic?  What are the implications other than perhaps making them weak and helpless?  Who watched the protectors?

now, evil forces are one the move again, conspiring to take back Origin once again. little do the know that one humans power is slowly starting to wake up, and gain the magic, that was lost, more powefull magic than you can imagine. but what will this human do with it? will he use it to stop the control of his beloved planet, Origin..Earth, they know call it, or will he decide to control it, and use his magic to control all that existed?[/i]


These are really great questions and as I indicated above, this is where your story begins. 

Polarbear, this is cool.  Have fun visualizing and firming your world and your character into something so concrete that you could walk in it with your characters.  Don't forget that girls will want to read your stories too, so add a magic sidekick and let her kick a**! 

Keep us posted!  I'm taking a class online (I'm 56, so you never stop taking classes!  writing is an ongoing forever project!) and one of the students is a 5th grade teacher and her entire class participated in that NaMo thing in Oct.  50,000 words in one month.  All of them completed their word count and finished their stories.  Something that I don't think I could do!  It is easier though if you've already built your world, your characters, and outlined your plot line before you start writing.  that doesn't mean you can't write it in your head and then write it up.  In fact you will for sure.  It could take all of 2010 to do that and then write it up!

Finally, you'll learn to write YOUR WAY.  The above may be nonsense and not work, something else will.  Keep trying until you find a method that works for you!  And never stop writing or creating in your mind.

Hugs Polarbear and no I will never do a polarbear plunge into subzero weather with you!!!  I'd like the photos though as I sit somewhere in the warm sun! 


"Calypso was offerin' Odysseus immortality, darlin'. Penelope offered him endurin' love. I myself just wanted some company." John Henry (Doc) Holliday from "Doc" by Mary Dorla Russell
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Offline Polarbear2112

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #153 on: January 12, 2010, 01:46:04 PM »
thankyou meg for the info.
i will definitly keep you posted along the way!

good...bad....hmph, im the guy with the gun

Offline RobJN

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #154 on: January 12, 2010, 08:53:26 PM »
As an overview, it works to grab my attention. However, I'm reminded of the "crawl" text in the Star Wars movies-- more telling the story than showing. I'd much rather learn those details over the course of the story than have it fed to me in two paragraphs in the Prologue. You could go a lot of different ways with this: does the tale open in present day Earth? Or perhaps during a certain period (Wild West? Victorian England?). Certainly would give the return of Magick moer "oomph" if we're not directly expecting it.

More thoughts when I get back home...!

Offline belial.1980

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #155 on: January 14, 2010, 05:50:23 AM »

Here's the opening to an old short story that I wrote years ago. I've been working on it lately, hoping to get it up to snuff.

:::::

I am Úlfr. I embraced the Rage for the first time in my sixteenth winter. Three other initiates stood with me that day: Gunnbjörn, Kolbeinn, and Jólgeir the left-handed. We wore our helms and nothing else. The winter cold bit hard; down to the bone. Ice flakes dusted my eyebrows and patchy beard. My fingers and toes were purple and my shrunken manhood looked like a turtle hiding in the bushes! But neither the cold nor the sounds of battle bothered Gunnbjörn; he laughed as he threw snowballs at us and made fun of our shriveled pricks.

We huddled amongst the veteran warriors waiting for the chance to prove ourselves. A stone's throw away I heard battle cries and the ring of steel upon steel; I heard men's dying screams and tried to convince myself that I wasn't afraid. Till this point we'd been waiting in reserve while the rank and file fought. But Evangr, our war chief, had just spotted an opening in the enemy's line and now it was time to attack. He gave the order to make ready.

Like a squall that blows in suddenly on a peaceful day, a change came over the veteran warriors. They transformed from a group of men to a pack of two-legged wild things that screamed, beat their chests, and bit their shields. The berserkers punched each other and howled till the noise drowned out everything but the sound of the blood pounding in my temple. Then they grabbed the initiates and threw us to the forefront of the mob.



Love cannot save you from your fate.

- Jim Morrison

Offline Gruud

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #156 on: January 15, 2010, 04:31:45 PM »
Hooked, I like it!!

I love the phrase "I embraced the Rage" (with capitals), which deftly elevates it to a rite of passage, and possibly even more; a whole religion, perhaps, that defines an entire people ...

One quick thing that jumped out at me was "Like a squall that blows in suddenly on a peaceful day".

IMO the use of the word "peaceful" here muddles the emotions of what you're really trying to show ... and steals its thunder (no pun intended).

Changing that word to "sunny" or "summer" or similar will return the oomph, and the emphasis, to the thing being described, and might be a better fit for your metaphor.

Otherwise I thought it was great.

Offline RobJN

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #157 on: January 16, 2010, 04:10:03 PM »
Good grab, belial.  It drips with atmosphere right from the start, very immersive. Nothing like a few umlauts to make you start feeling that cold north wind.

I have to agree with Gruud about the "peaceful day" slipped in there, as Ulfr & co. are girding (or... ungirding, I suppose) for war. It's a bit jarring, and swings the attention away from the situation at hand.

One other minor nit pick (I do that a lot, sorry) : The last sentence, there, reads as if Ulfr, the narrator, isn't, and then is an initiate, with the use of "...the initiates" and then following with "threw us to the forefront."

All in all, though, I would definitely read on to see how this plays out. The very setup begs all sorts of questions about themes, character motivations, and you've already set a great tone with those opening lines. With the main character, Ulfr, already on the verge of initiation, I have to wonder just how the first battle and what comes after will change him.

Offline Nawlins34

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #158 on: February 09, 2010, 12:10:12 AM »
Before I post mine, I want to think the OP for starting this game. It has really given me the chance to understand (at least as best as I can) how to go about the story content vs. word ratio.  I love how it's forcing me to pack as much interest into that amount of words as possible and I'm going to try to continue that. Hopefully I hit that mark, if not I will continue to try.  I love most of what I've seen so far, there is alot of "windows" of univereses I would love to read in a book one day in this thread.

Starbeam:  Hooked, I liked it!!

And here's my contribution. It's not my main WIP but it's something I'd like to work on once I'm more comfortable.


(250 word cap starting now)

“The irony of it all…” Tim said crouching over her body, “She has black and white furniture here, yet the moments before her death is a ‘gray’ area.”  He muttered. 
“Why is he talking like I’m not even here? “Asked the worried soul.

“Pay him no mind, Joann” I said. “He’s not from our time.”  I got up and walked over to comfort her as best as I could. “So you’re certain you didn’t know the person who killed you?”  I asked.
Joann was hesitate with a response. She simply closed her eyes and looked down.
“Joann, I understand this is a bit…..”   That’s all I could muster when she raised her head up again with cold dark eyes open….

I felt the chill before the words were spoken.
No,but you do, Nathan."

 The unholy scream from Joann forced me and Tim to our knees in agony.   This pain was like nothing I ever felt amongst the living. It felt as if I was dying again………   All I could do was lie on my face and stare at the empty floor.
Where Joann’s soul suddenly collapsed. The pain stopped as soon as she landed. I jumped up immediately and backed away. “Remember the rules….” Said the deep chilled voice behind me. I turned to see…..Death.

Death muttered some words and Joann’s soul was gone.
Second by second he faded away in thin air and with his evil grin he reminded us in Joann’s voice, “Remember the rules...."
« Last Edit: February 09, 2010, 12:16:09 AM by Nawlins34 »
"The man who says he can, and the man who says he can't are both right. Which one are you son, which one are you?" -Anonymous football coach

Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #159 on: February 10, 2010, 09:59:20 PM »
Beliel, yep even peaceful me would be hooked.  I scratched my head trying to figure out they were able to check out each others turtles when it's so d*** cold. LOL  Seems to me that would be the last part a man would be showing off in freezing weather.  :-)  Also if they are brand new to battle, seems to me this would be the least of their concerns with "A stone's throw away I heard battle cries and the ring of steel upon steel; I heard men's dying screams"  Still better a turtle that purple! 

Really neat beginning!
"Calypso was offerin' Odysseus immortality, darlin'. Penelope offered him endurin' love. I myself just wanted some company." John Henry (Doc) Holliday from "Doc" by Mary Dorla Russell
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Offline Sonaku

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #160 on: February 22, 2010, 10:58:03 PM »
    It was a Dream...

   All I could hear was the ringing in my ears, oh how I wish it to stop! All I could feel was a fire across my back, and a drum in my head. Even though I can feel these earthly pains I stand in whiteness, with a holo-monitor. It’s always the same... I stand their looking at a screen portraying my life, but nothing of what I want to see. Always the horrors that haunt me, lives I’ve snuffed out, destruction that I’ve caused. Images of battles, of torment. It haunts me, makes me want to pull my heart out of my chest! The choking feeling always nags at me... Never leaves me... Until I wake...
        I looked at myself in the mirror, and saw someone nearly zombie-like staring back. Six and a half foot tall. Scruffy, dirty black hair. Left brown eye, and right one red, a slight discoloration around my right eye.  Across my body I saw many scars, my right arm was gone, in it’s place was a metallic limb. A prostheses. Same was true for my entire right leg. Half my abdomen was missing too, in place was a metal bracer for my left side. I can’t remember what happened to them, for as long as I could remember, I’ve had these. I can only remember the past 70 years of my life, and I haven’t changed physically in all that time.
        I turned my back to the mirror, and assessed the damage. A large cut, stretched across my back, from my left shoulder and too the right side of my lower back. That might get infected. Flash backs of the days before played through my mind, I was ontop of a cargo truck manning a machine gun, we were transporting valuables from one city to another.  Stuff like food and medical supplies. It was a low tier escort job.  There wasn’t supposed to be any trouble, but a scum infested gang tried stealing the supplies. On had gotten on the transport with a machete and decided to see if was still sharp by slashing it across my back. On top of all that the second transport was demolished. Which is why I only got 2,600 creds’, instead of the promised 5,000. Which left me short on a huge upgrade for my Armored Power Fram that I wanted.

   Sighing I got into the vapor shower.
"Oh sweet bird of irony"