Writing a poem

[Abeille]

I am writing a poem and would like some input. I am not good and this is the second poem I wrote that was not for school (th first being a haiku), but I had fun writing what I have so far (there is at least two three more stanzas).

Here it is *looks nervous and meek*:

Deleted because this violates the rules of the board.

Any thoughts? *snuggles all who read it*

[Buttersfly]

Okay, as I've posted elsewhere, I'm mean, but that can be helpful.

Traditionally the sun sets on a day, not a night.
I think the rulers should have horses, not just one horse.
The sun shone with all "its" not "it's" might.

Aside from these petty comments, I'd say that I sense you're forcing your rhymes.  That is, going for the rhyme drags you places that you might prefer not to go, forces you to set up phrases and sentences that aren't what you really want to say or the most effective way to say them or the things you could say or do with words if you weren't lining up a rhyme instead of just using your ear.

For example, maybe:

What they got was something different.
Who they got was a not a warrior but a true gent. 

Relaxes into:

They did not get the warrior they wanted.
They got a gentle man gentle to other men.
And that was marvelous.

I'd look over the first draft and think about the words and images and the sounds and rhythms that are most important to you and build a revision around them and more you like that didn't make it into the first draft.

Hope this helps.

[Warden John Marcone]

Just a suggestion:

instead of rhyming couplets, try quartuplets (?), or rhyming every other line.  Or try Uncle Walt's method of forgetting rhyme and going for rhythm.  I do like it, I did enjoy it, I just think it needs some work.