Author Topic: Poetry?  (Read 4953 times)

Offline Berrylovely

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Poetry?
« on: January 28, 2010, 07:51:03 AM »
Does anyone here write any poetry? I have some that I have written over the years and would like some feedback on. If anyone thinks that they are decent in any way. Would anyone be willing to read some of my stuff? I don't have plans to ever really get it published, but it is something I do on the side for myself.

If anyone does write poetry where do you usually get your muse from?
All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them.~Walt Disney

There can be only ONE of you for ALL time. Fearlessly Be Yourself.

..When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.~WHMS

Offline Blaze

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2010, 01:50:08 PM »
I wrote poetry.  You do know we have a bad poetry thread, right?

That aside, I write poetry and I have been called upon from time to time to judge poetry competitions.

Just let me know if you want my personal opinions, or if you want me looking with a competition judge's eye.  They are two different things...  and I am not mean.  (Which is why I keep getting called back to judge.  People hate it when entrants go away in tears.)
Chi pò, non vò; chi vò, non pò; chi sà, non fà; chi fà, non sà; e così, male il mondo va.

Offline Starbeam

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2010, 02:02:12 PM »
I occasionally write poetry, though not very often.  I did take poetry writing classes in college, and I learned quite a bit from that.
"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." Ray Bradbury

Offline Der Sturmbrecher

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2010, 06:13:37 AM »
I write a little. My English teacher wants me to try and get some of my work published online. If you want to share I'll take a look. I'm not a mean judge either.

Offline Blaze

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2010, 06:45:37 AM »
My muse -- I totally omitted the Muse!  She lives with me.  In my brain.  I love the freedom of poetic expression.
Chi pò, non vò; chi vò, non pò; chi sà, non fà; chi fà, non sà; e così, male il mondo va.

Offline Berrylovely

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2010, 07:44:17 PM »
This one I called "Lonely Moment"

Surrounded by a crowd but alone
Talked at but not to
It's like this surreal moment in time
I know I am never truly alone
But I feel alone anyway
Loneliness presses against me
It squeezes me too tight to breathe
It's a tangible thing
I can still see everyone
Can see their mouths moving
Heads nodding in agreement
But I can't hear them
It's like this void of emptiness
It's that hollowness
Like that of a long hallway
I know I am surrounded by a crowd
And I know I am not alone
But I feel it, holding me
Surrounding me in this lonely moment
And I feel another touch
I feel the touch of my lover
Just a touch on my back
The touch brings a pop of sound
Noise is everywhere
I hear the laughter I see
And it's then I know
It was just another lonely moment
All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them.~Walt Disney

There can be only ONE of you for ALL time. Fearlessly Be Yourself.

..When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.~WHMS

Offline Starbeam

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2010, 07:52:57 PM »
Couple things off the top of my head with a skim-through(will read more thoroughly after work)--is the lack of punctuation intentional?  And this could be a poem that has really good potential to use the white space and line breaks.  If you're not sure what I mean by this, sorta like ee cummings.
"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." Ray Bradbury

Offline Berrylovely

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #7 on: February 02, 2010, 07:59:47 PM »
In this one it is intentional. And since I do my writing on livejournal usually, I don't do much in the way of formatting. The idea is usually to get the poem on a page. I don't hand write my poems anymore because I can type out faster what my head is thinking. I can see what you are meaning thou. Thanks for the look-see.
All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them.~Walt Disney

There can be only ONE of you for ALL time. Fearlessly Be Yourself.

..When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.~WHMS

Offline Der Sturmbrecher

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2010, 03:27:03 AM »
Starbeam, you're saying that it would be better if the poem were broken up into stanzas instead of one long unbroken paragraph, yes?

If I've misunderstood, I still think that would be a good idea. The stanza gives each passing image and observation a little dressing up and more individual attention, and makes it a little easier for the reader to follow along.

Offline Starbeam

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2010, 03:40:05 AM »
No, not necessarily stanzas.  Line breaks. 
Sorta like this as example, with the first couple lines--
This one I called "Lonely Moment"

Surrounded
by a crowd but
alone
Talked at
but not
to
It's like this
surreal moment
in time
I know I am
never truly
alone


Something to use the shape of the words and lines to add more meaning to them.  Partly why I said ee cummings as an example; he would break lines and words in different ways, and sometimes use the white space on the page to form the poem, as well.  Or actually, Shel Silverstein might be a better example of shaping the poem.
"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." Ray Bradbury

Offline Der Sturmbrecher

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2010, 03:58:21 AM »
Ah, thanks for the clarification. That could be very nice.

Offline Buttersfly

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2010, 04:30:25 PM »
I used to teach prosody.  I am plenty mean.  I write bad poetry.  I love good poetry.

As for line breaks, and punctuation, they're like everything else in poetry: every technical decision justifies itself by delivering meaning.  This goes for free verse as much as for non-metrical verse. Free verse just doesn't have meter and rhyme in the mix.  In all poetry, you're looking for the maximum consonance between meaning and form.  That's the real trick. 

And free verse does have some conventions concerning line breaks.  Heavily enjambed lines, which run sense and syntax over the line endings into the next line, are associated with content that is meditative, private, deeply thoughtful.  This is the kind of line Starbeam suggests.  Lines, especially relatively long lines, that allow a complete through to end with the end of the line tend to come across as public, certain, or oracular.  And Berrylovely strikes a middle ground in "Lonely Moment."  I'd say Berrylovely's choice is fine for her content.  She's talking about a limited time: one moment. And she describes separate thoughts and feelings within the moment, each moment-within-the-moment gets encapsulated in its own line, it's own tick or tock of the duration of the moment.

Example of heavily enjambed:

THIS IS JUST TO SAY

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
the were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

--William Carlos Williams

For the oracular, public kind of verse, take a look at Walt Whitman.

There are other ways, of course, to structure lines, but I've been boring long enough.
"But writing is different because you do not have to learn or practise it and it is more tempermental because practising seems to take all the temperment out of me."  --Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Offline Berrylovely

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #12 on: February 04, 2010, 02:40:15 AM »
Buttersfly-that was the goal in my writing. Each sentence is a separate thought/idea. When I write I write how I "see" it in my head. I don't know if that makes any sense at all thou. To me it's not about puncuation, thou some of poems do have punctuation, nor about formatting. If I "see" it in stanzas that's what it gets. Here is one with breaks. "No more I love you's"

I hear it in your voice
I see it in your eyes
For a moment I believe
But then you tell me
Tell me that you love me
And I don't know
I don't know why me

I feel so shallow
I feel so ugly
I feel the world is fading fast
I wish you hadn't said it

I wish there were no more I love you's
Cause now....
Now I must admit
I admit that I am beautiful
I admit that I am smart
I admit that I have something to offer you
No more I love you's...they have made me weep

I weep for the lies I believed
I weep for the truth I did not see
I weep for me and the life I lead
I weep in hopes of my tomorrow

No more I love you's
No more can I take of this
No more I love you's
No more of this fear I have to hide
No more I love you's
No more of this pain I have to let go
No more I love you's
No more of the despair deep inside

Once I have your I love you's
I can never be ashamed
I can never be go back
Once I have your I love you's
I will never ask you to take them back
I will never ask again for No More I love you's....
All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them.~Walt Disney

There can be only ONE of you for ALL time. Fearlessly Be Yourself.

..When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.~WHMS

Offline Der Sturmbrecher

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2010, 05:46:16 PM »
Buttersfly-that was the goal in my writing. Each sentence is a separate thought/idea. When I write I write how I "see" it in my head. I don't know if that makes any sense at all thou. To me it's not about puncuation, thou some of poems do have punctuation, nor about formatting. If I "see" it in stanzas that's what it gets. Here is one with breaks. "No more I love you's"

I hear it in your voice
I see it in your eyes
For a moment I believe
But then you tell me
Tell me that you love me
And I don't know
I don't know why me

I feel so shallow
I feel so ugly
I feel the world is fading fast
I wish you hadn't said it

I wish there were no more I love you's
Cause now....
Now I must admit
I admit that I am beautiful
I admit that I am smart
I admit that I have something to offer you
No more I love you's...they have made me weep

I weep for the lies I believed
I weep for the truth I did not see
I weep for me and the life I lead
I weep in hopes of my tomorrow

No more I love you's
No more can I take of this
No more I love you's
No more of this fear I have to hide
No more I love you's
No more of this pain I have to let go
No more I love you's
No more of the despair deep inside

Once I have your I love you's
I can never be ashamed
I can never be go back
Once I have your I love you's
I will never ask you to take them back
I will never ask again for No More I love you's....

The breaks do definitely help in my opinion, but it's your poem. Write how it is satisfying to you. You come up with interesting concepts to put into poetry, they're very thought provoking (I am saying that's a good thing).


Offline Buttersfly

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Re: Poetry?
« Reply #14 on: February 06, 2010, 10:01:33 PM »



I admit that I am beautiful
I admit that I am smart
I admit that I have something to offer you
No more I love you's...they have made me weep

I weep for the lies I believed
I weep for the truth I did not see
I weep for me and the life I lead
I weep in hopes of my tomorrow

No more I love you's
No more can I take of this
No more I love you's
No more of this fear I have to hide
No more I love you's
No more of this pain I have to let go
No more I love you's
No more of the despair deep inside


One of the most venerable structuring devices in free verse is anaphora, which is the repetition of the same words at the beginning of multiple lines.  You've got three sets here.  Nice.
"But writing is different because you do not have to learn or practise it and it is more tempermental because practising seems to take all the temperment out of me."  --Gentlemen Prefer Blondes