Your opinion on this draft

[tomas the beliver]

We can't have story ideas or stories posted on this site because it's Jim's official site. There's legal issues involved. -Mickey

[belial.1980]

Interesting start. It hooked me enough that I'd like to know where it's going. I voted "In my opinion it needs..."

A few things that jumped out at me:

> "A man plays his guitar in a dusty diner, could be Mexico, Texas or anywhere in the Deep South of the dear old USA. Rock spews forth from a jukebox at the back, all Johnny Cash, Elvis Presley and all those other rockers no one remembers but is “Darn toot’n” all the same."

I would recommend rewriting this intro because there are a few things that didn't sit right with me.
First off, Mexico, Texas, and the Deep South are different places with their own flavor. Alabama has its own identity that's different than Georgia that's different than Texas. You might be better off describing it as a border town, somewhere near El Paso. That region of Texas is dry and dusty, whereas North Texas and the gulf region are very humid. 

Whether you like their music or not I'd argue that Johnny Cash and Elvis Presley are icons in modern rock music, Elvis especially. I don't think it works to lump them in with other rockers that nobody remembers. I've never actually heard "darn toot'n" used in conversation outside of cartoons or spaghetti westerns and it feels a little bit forced to me.

> "Heart rate’s one twenty over eighty, beginning with a one sixty volt charge one…two…. Three Clear! No change, heart rates one eighty over sixty, upping to a two-hundred and ten charge! One… two... three… clear! No change. She’s crashing, upping to full 360 volt charge, one… two… three… clear! No change, she’s going into cardiac arrest! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! She’s gone, call it. Time of death Twelve PM."

Heart rate is measured in beats per minute. 120/80 would be the measurement for somebody’s blood pressure. (120/80 actually falls pretty much within normal limits.) They’re not going to administer the shocks until somebody’s gone into cardiac arrest, at which point heart rate should be zero and blood pressure should be negligible.
From the way it’s written it appears they’re trying to resuscitate her before her heart’s even stopped.


The other major thing that I’d recommend taking a look at is the way it’s written in present tense. Just a matter of opinion but I prefer to read in the past tense.

I do think you’ve got an interesting start and I’d like to see where it goes. Good luck!
   

[LizW65]

Second much of what Belial said.

IMO the opening paragraphs read like an outline rather than a draft--I recommend either expanding or cutting way back.  Also, decide on either past or present tense and stick with it (personally I dislike long passages of present tense, which for me are the literary equivalent of bingeing on chocolate-covered espresso beans, but it's your choice.)

Another suggestion is to "break up" your writing more with queries, fragmentary sentences, snatches of dialogue, etc--long blocks of text with no breaks are a bit hard on the eyes.

Otherwise, I like the juxtaposition of the guitar player and the woman giving birth, and would be interested to see how you tie them together.

[Son of an Ogre]

I think what you're doing could be really great. But, I do agree the first paragraph, especially, reads like your outline. Take your time, I think you're trying to drive the story way too fast. It's okay to get quick and intense on things...just know you can rein it in a little and it'll still feel fast but not leave the reader panting. Also, check your facts. Because, you will be called out. Even Jim gets called out from time to time. I can remember one reviewer pointing out Jim's misuse of the term thumbcock. So, be careful--do some research and take your time with things. I'll admit you remind me a lot of myself when I first started writing. You got potential with what you're doing. You just need to polish and refine it

In a hospital down the way of New York a woman is giving birth, she pants as the baby continues it's slow and painful journey into

Just wanted to point out something here. You should consider changing "giving" to "gives." I think it'd read better that way.