We Don't Exist

[Warden John Marcone]

Wrote this short story for Writer's Guild.  We were to do a story or poem containing the words/phrases: Empty soda can, magnet, stuffed dog, book, something blue.  This is what I came up with.  Whatcha think?

We Don’t Exist

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It’s been three days since the target checked in to the hotel, and not one sighting worth a clean shot.  I popped open a can of cola as I sit and watch the hotel.  Nothing.  Grumbling, I got up and paced for a bit, before going back and checking the scope again.  Still nothing.  I hate waiting, but our orders were clear.  Command wanted a clean kill.  No witnesses, no collateral damage.  No excuses.  I returned to pacing, which caused my partner to look up from his book.

“Would you stop it all ready?  The shot will come, it always does.”

I glared at him, and he stared back.  I hate it when he does that.

“I wish the shot would come all ready, then.”

He returned to his book, supremely unconcerned.  “Patience.  We just have to wait.”

I started grumbling again as I resumed pacing.  “I hate waiting.”

That got a laugh out of him and he put the book away before picking up that stupid stuffed dog of his.  “Who’s a grumpy hit man?  Huh?”  Unbelievable.  He was pretending it could talk.  I drained my soda and threw the empty can at him.  He blocked it with the dog and laughed.  Jerk.  He taped a magnet to the dog and stuck it next to his bed.  He knew the thing annoyed me.  I think that’s why he kept it after we took out that Korean CEO.  I think it was a gift for his daughter.  I don’t really care either.

I checked the scope again, then did a double-take.  He was walking out the door of the hotel!  I didn’t know who this guy was, and I didn’t care.  All I knew was that he’d earned the wrath of my superiors.  I checked up and down the street.  Nobody.  Perfect.  I grabbed my rifle and opened the window.  Taking careful aim at his back, I pulled the trigger and sent a .30-06 round into his back, right through the heart.  Clean kill.  No witnesses.  Mission complete.

I laughed as his red blood spilled over his tailored blue suit.  My partner confirmed the kill, got the pictures, and set to packing.  While he got our few belongings together, I drenched the entire apartment in gasoline and alcohol and shoved a gas-soaked newspaper in the toaster.

My partner headed out the door and I started the toaster before closing the door and following.  No witnesses.  No evidence.  We don’t exist.

[Starbeam]

Where's the something blue?  Only color you mention specifically is red. 

It's a nice little vignette, and could make for an interesting story.  The hangups that got me were lots of switching between past and present tense, sometimes in the middle of a sentence, like "I poppoped open a can of cola as I sit and watch..."  There's also some places that could be shown more than told, and some unnecessary words, which also falls under the could be shown instead of told thing, like "supremely unconcerned."

[BobForPresident]

Where's the something blue?  Only color you mention specifically is red. 

It's a nice little vignette, and could make for an interesting story.  The hangups that got me were lots of switching between past and present tense, sometimes in the middle of a sentence, like "I poppoped open a can of cola as I sit and watch..."  There's also some places that could be shown more than told, and some unnecessary words, which also falls under the could be shown instead of told thing, like "supremely unconcerned."

Blue suit.

[Starbeam]

Heh...My eyes skipped right over that.

[Aludra]

I think it was a gift for his daughter, but I don't know. I don’t really care either.

I don't understand why "I don't really care either." exists unless the red part used to be there.

[Warden John Marcone]

It's a nice little vignette, and could make for an interesting story.  The hangups that got me were lots of switching between past and present tense, sometimes in the middle of a sentence, like "I poppoped open a can of cola as I sit and watch..."  There's also some places that could be shown more than told, and some unnecessary words, which also falls under the could be shown instead of told thing, like "supremely unconcerned."

Most of the quirks were the result of a time limet, so I'll change them.  Thanks for the feedback.

[Aludra]

I forgot to mention that I enjoyed it. Wow I feel like a jerk. But the sidekick with the stuffed dog, and the impatient main character, very funny. 

[belial.1980]

I liked it. It was interesting and the characters have potential.

I think there could be a little more showing. Was there a silencer on the weapon? What did it sound like? What about the kick of the weapon into the shooter's shoulder? I think it would have benefitted from a little more description as he lined up the shot, especially since it's going to be precise and needs to take his time. While this is happening you could also introduce a little introspection. The character could be imagining who this guy is, who's waiting for him at home, who's going to cry at his funeral...or maybe he thinks about the bet he placed on a certain football game or what's on T.V. Or maybe his mind goes blank. The thoughts that cross your mind as you spend a few seconds getting ready to kill somebody say a lot about the person you are.

As a side thought, an homage to the hitmen from Pulp Fiction might be appropriate and funny if well placed. Again, good job. I'd like to see where this one heads. Good luck!