Author Topic: Hey guys, its me again. Feel like giving any feedback?  (Read 2143 times)

Offline Philliph

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Hey guys, its me again. Feel like giving any feedback?
« on: September 24, 2009, 12:12:34 AM »
So, heres the deal. I wanted a book with a setting in the past but there are so many things that we can relate to alot more easily in the present. so, i've fixed the problem. Time warping...sorta. ;)

So, heres the very beginning of my story. Its gonna be called...Deathguise!


A bright spinning multi-hued flash of light. A hard something rushes out to hit my head and then snaps. A rough but oddly soft surface rushes up to catch my back and another hard something hits me in the back of the head. I open my eyes just enough to see that the sky was dark blue, and deduced that the sun was just rising.

Then blackness.

I jolted up, becoming dizzy and letting my torso fall back down. There are birds chirping, and the sound wakes me up from my half sleep. I open my eyes and realize I’m in a forest. It smells like spring, but the weather is still cold. I regain the composure I don't ever remember having and slow my quick breathing. Head aching, I stand up to look around and drink in my surroundings.

I’ve already surmised that I’m in a forest but I don’t know which one. Around me I hear hushed footsteps and open my mouth to beckon them towards me hoping to ask where I am, but before I speak I quickly shut it before my breath can make it to my mouth.

I’m in a forest, I tell myself. Dangerous animals live in the forest.

I quietly move a for a few minutes roughly circling the spot where I had awaken to get my blood flowing. I try to remember why I’m here, but I can’t. I can barely remember anything past the bright flash of light, and this scares me. My heart rate starts accelerating.

I can remember the basic stuff though, so I guess that comes as a little consolation. For example, I now know that the something that had rushed out to hit my head was a branch, and what I had landed on was a newly developing bush that was oddly soft, even to a guy who cant remember anything. Stopping, I lift up my arms to look at them, checking if they were cut or bruised from the fall, but they didn’t look like normal human hands, they were prosthetic. But I don’t remember what put them on my arms, nor did I know the necessity for the replacement. I examined them closely and found that they were strangely unique.

My hands… In my right palm is an inset sphere that glows with physically clashing edged strands of black and yellow that resemble electricity. Extending away from the sphere, but still connected to it, are glowing, pulsating blue strips that–are one-fourth of a centimeter in width–reach all the way down my fingers to the tips, and there they expand into a circle that is three-fourths of a centimeter in diameter. My left hand is the same way, except for the fact that the sphere and glowing blue strips are on the back of my left hand, rather than on the palm, and in the sphere, rather than black and yellow electricity, is a dull shade of purple.

Hmm, electricity. I started forward again, walking into the shade of the ever-encroaching trees and spot a mound of dirt, cleared of any shrubbery to my right. I stare at it, concentrating, contemplating my options.
I continue gazing at the mound, and in one quick, compulsive movement I thrust my arm towards the pile of dirt, without moving my torso, and snapped the thumb and middle finger of my right hand together. And, as I predicted, a thin and relatively weak bolt of lightning struck the dirt, solidifying the topmost patch into a glass-like substance.

If you don't love it i'll shank you.


No pressure.  ;D ;)
« Last Edit: September 25, 2009, 12:48:39 AM by Philliph »
Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for mankind.
-Horace Mann

A little rule, a little sway
A sunbeam in a winters day
Is all the proud and might have
between the cradle and the grave.
-John Dyer

Offline Ecuadorian Super Termite

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Re: Hey guys, its me again. Feel like giving any feedback?
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2009, 10:46:13 PM »
These are just the things I jotted down as I read:

There's a limit to how many modifiers a noun can have before the audience loses track. Alone, the adjectives bright or spinning would be fine. The reader could use them to paint a picture without much thought. Multi-hued is a bit awkward. The reader has to stop to think about what it means before they understand what you're telling them. Ditto for a few other places in the passage.

You're vacillating between present and past tense. The narrative should be present, I do this, or past, I did this. It should not be both.

"I regain the composure I don't ever remember having and slow my quick breathing." Too many ideas in here. The character is composing himself. The character is not normally composed. It's taken him a few minutes to wake up, and he's still groggy. Why is his respiration up, that he needs to slow his quick breathing?

"I open my eyes just enough to see that the sky was dark blue, and deduced that the sun was just rising." Again, past/present tense agreement. This is a good place to show and not tell. Give me birds chirping. Show me rays of sunlight just barely touching the treetops. Let the sunrise be the underlying cause, and the sensory information be captivating. I'll figure out that the sun is rising without ever thinking about it.

Dangerous animals live in the forest. Is he a park ranger, that he knows to be afraid? Or is he a city dweller with an irrational fear? Paw prints or scratch marks on a tree trunk would be an undeniable sign that danger lurks.

Quickly. In most cases, an adverb can be deleted and the prose is better for it. This one feels overused here.

Pulsating blue strips that are one-fourth of a centimeter in width. I can't eyeball a 1/4 centimeter. I have to stop reading to think about it.

Ever-encroaching trees. Encroachment carries a connotation of competition. Saruman's orcs encroach upon the lands of the kingdom of Rohan. Trees don't encroach upon humans, they're part of the environment. They could encroach upon a wheat field, or a brush line, but not upon a human.

Without moving my torso. Here the action of the arm stops to tell the reader that in another place, nothing is happening.

Nor did I know the necessity for the replacement. I had to go back to read this line a couple of times before I knew what it meant. The reader is kicked out of the story when this happens.

Offline Wallace

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Re: Hey guys, its me again. Feel like giving any feedback?
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2009, 06:41:23 PM »
I don't critique often, I'm usually very black and white in that I love the story and ignore its flaws or hate its flaws and ignore it's story. But I shall try, since you were good enough to give me such excellent feedback.

The scenario looks good, but I stumbled a little over the narrative. Avoid unnecessary words - first person is really nothing more internal monologue, so write the way you "think to yourself" if that makes any sense.

Explore your character. He feels like a bowl of petunias falling over a Magrathea, with an "oh no, not again" opinion of the situation. If I woke up in a forest with lightning hands, I'd be freaking out. There's an important lesson in that. Never let your character become a superpower-delivery system. It's what is at his core that counts. Superman is boring. Batman is not. At least, that's my view of them.

Give us a little emotional zest and smooth out your prose, and I'll be waiting to see your boy battle the military conspiracy that grafted the hands to him, or fight the aliens that wanted to use him as a super soldier, or whatever path you want to take him. Just be sure he has his say in where you take him, and you'll move mountains together.
« Last Edit: September 26, 2009, 06:43:15 PM by Wallace »
I'll take the meat, but I'm not ready to love again.

Offline Philliph

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Re: Hey guys, its me again. Feel like giving any feedback?
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2009, 08:32:33 PM »
Arrrrrg.

Well, the thing is, he lost his memory when the "hard something" hit him in the back of the head. I left a note that this guy is a time traveler and the spinning colors and flash of light means that he is time traveling. he doesn't know it though and he can't remember anything. i do like the way you guys critiqued it though. He does freak out a little after the dirt turns to something glass-like. and, i wrote this peice over two years ago(i was 14) when the prospect of writing a book became 'fun' to me somehow. This peice is from my skills two years ago and i wanted to see how they faired.

But, for some reason i like this style better than my 'ranulf tesven' book style. i will definitely take the critiquing you guys gave me into consideration, and probably incorporate it into what i wrote, then use that peice of writing as an example for the rest once i discover what i like best.

Also, two years ago this idea was actually an idea for a videogame. but, somehow a book is easier to write than a script despite the fact i'm not published, but both are hard. I, for the life of me, don't understand why its easier.

Oh yeah, wallace.

 I dont really understand the difference between fist and third person. i figured if i switched throughout a whole book that i wrote the reader would get used to it and not question. dunno why. thanks for the feedback.

Anyone.

If at all possible, i would like to know what the difference is. Can you do things in frost person that you can't in third? its very confusing to me.

Ecuadorian Super Termite.

his breathing is quick because he discovers that he can;t remember anything at all from his past life. i accidentally put that sentence in the wrong place. thanks for alerting me to this.

The blue pulsating strips. i'm being so precise with my measurements because i want you to see what i see when you're reading. I also don't know where the word 'encroachment' comes from. i reread a few times but i cant see it. maybe thats why it never got deleted...'

The 'sky was dark blue' part. i think i'll change that to what you advised. i dont want to be too descriptive but i don't want to overdo it like i'm told i am being in my 'ranulf tesven' book project.

"Without moving my torso" i couldnt find that part. i guess i'm really out of it today.


Thanks for the help everybody.
« Last Edit: September 26, 2009, 09:12:45 PM by Philliph »
Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for mankind.
-Horace Mann

A little rule, a little sway
A sunbeam in a winters day
Is all the proud and might have
between the cradle and the grave.
-John Dyer

Offline Philliph

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Re: Hey guys, its me again. Feel like giving any feedback?
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2009, 10:27:29 PM »
Alriiiiight!

I revised it and i'm going to post it in "hooked or not hooked." Hopefully it is satisfactory now. i think its worth professional critiqing at the moment. Because its...

...Just. That. Good.

You best give me a second opinion wallace.
Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for mankind.
-Horace Mann

A little rule, a little sway
A sunbeam in a winters day
Is all the proud and might have
between the cradle and the grave.
-John Dyer