Author Topic: Looking for some input  (Read 3402 times)

Offline kloud213

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Looking for some input
« on: September 09, 2009, 10:20:57 PM »
Well here is some of my writing. I would like some honest feedback. It's really short at this point, still working out the plot and what not. Formatting might get screwed up a little.


"What the hell was that Draven?" Exclaimed Roger as the television clicked on and off a few times, then went dead. "I was just about to kill that damned zombie vampire."
    "I'll go check the breaker in the utility closet." I said, "This is an old building and we're using top of the line gaming gear. Shits bound to go screwy sometimes."
    I walked down the hall of my little one bedroom apartment I shared with Roger. It was small, cramped, and Roger was a pig, but times were tough. And bills came first. When I flipped the light switch nothing happened.
    "Shit.... Hey Rog have you seen the flashlight?" I looked back and my friend gave me a guilty look.
    "Umm, I kinda left it on all night and killed the batteries, I fell asleep reading the new Butcher Novel." Roger said sheepishly.
    "You know your insufferable at times." Annoyance creeping at the edge of my voice.
    Oh well, worst things could happen, there should be enough open space so i won't tri.... " Damn you Roger, can't you pick up your flipp'n stuff sometimes." Roger made a non-committal noise.
    When the door opened to the bedroom where the closet was located I was overwhelmed by a musky body-odor that could only mean I  skipped laundry day again. Trudging through my stacks and piles of dirty clothing on the floor, I finally made it to the closet with the breaker panel.
    Well hell, I thought to myself, the power should still be on. When I went to the window every light in the city seemed to be dead. I ran out to the living room to find Roger staring out the window at the total darkness.
    "Maybe a transformer went out." I said casually, even though things felt a bit odd.
    Roger looked at me then, "Dude I think we might be starring in our own video game."
    Roger was on many levels simple. He was a good guy, but he believed in boogeymen and the guy on the grassy-knoll. I would say he was two short steps from running and making a tin-foil hat. The lights are out nothing more, right?
    "Roger stop being a tool, and go get the candles out of the top cabinet in the kitchen." I said trying to stay calm. But what Roger didn't notice was ALL the lights were out including emergency backup lights.
    When Roger brought me matches and the candles I lit a few and placed them scattered about the living room. " Hey Roger I'm gonna go dig out the emergency radio, why don't you check the phones and see if you can get a dial tone."
    Going back to my musky bedroom, I started digging through boxes on the top shelves in the closet. Before I got down the third, Roger came running back going on about how the phones didn't work. Well shit, that's odd isn't it. Instead of panicking I started digging again.
    Why is it every time you look for something particular you can't find it till you you've spent 45 minutes digging though every other possible location. I found the Emergency radio right where the matches and candles were. At this point Roger was wearing on my last nerve, but i held my anger in check.
    Winding up the crank arm is a task for someone like Roger so I let him at it while I tried to think what this all could mean. During my pondering I went from alien invasion to some practical joke. none of my thoughts seemed likely.
    When Roger got the radio charged enough to get a signal, the emergency broadcast system was playing a standard message. Everyone stay calm, we are working on the power problems. We expect power should be on by morning. Everyone stay calm.....
    And on and on the radio went, telling us to stay calm, but I felt a nervousness to the air. Things seemed wrong, my body itched with tension. Roger was the complete opposite, immediately he calmed from the voice on the radio and announced he was going to bed. I agreed with him since there seemed little I could do, so I went to the bathroom and took some Xannax. On my way to my bedroom I thought I felt the tension building.
    As I got to my bed and laid down, I felt as if I were falling through time and space.

    "Draven, listen to my voice" a mystical and seductive voice "We are at an impasse, The world is changing the power is out across the globe. The powers that are being unleashed in our world are unstoppable. And when you wake up you will be different, you will have powers beyond imagining. But there will be others, and some will go crazy with it. Others will become allies and even if they are good they will be your enemies. Many will die from the onslaught as some with unlocked powers will not be able to control themselves. I will speak to you again, now wake up."

    Groggy from the meds I took the night before, I rolled over wondering what the hell that dream was about. Oh well, I don't feel different, just a dream. As I lay in my bed watching the sun come over the tall city buildings, I saw my alarm clock flashing 12:00. At least the power is back on.
    I got out of bed and grabbed my plaid pajama pants, and an old work shirt. I walked out to the kitchen to get a bowl of cereal, and then something happened. My head went to throbbing, like my brain was trying to escape from my brain. As I reached to my face to wipe away the tears I found my eyes, ears, and nose were bleeding.
    Roger found me an indescribable amount of time and pain later. I reached out to grab his leg pleading for him to help, I didn't care how just HELP. And then the he recoiled away from me. He started tearing at his pant leg like they were on fire. As his pain got worse, my head began to feel better. I watched him until he was in complete agony. But my body was to drained to even try to help. Then roger fell over dead.
    As I lay on the floor watching my dead friend, I finally gave into exhaustion, and passed out.

Offline belial.1980

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Re: Looking for some input
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2009, 12:01:34 AM »
Hey there, welcome aboard. I read this while I was eating my microwaved lasagna dinner. (Ah, single life. Ain't it grand.) Keep in mind that I'm not a professional writer by any stretch. So here goes:

You had some good descriptive narration in the beginning. You did a good job of describing the sights and smells--smells are a good detail that a lot of people leave out. However the first part didn't really grab me. I think it'd be more interesting if you started the story where Draven wakes up, still groggy from his meds. Because that part definitely grabbed my attention.

I think if you described the scene where Draven wakes up bleeding and his roomie's going crazy readers will be more likely to be hooked. They'll say, "Whoa! Who are these guys and what's going on?!" You can then feed their curiosity from there. Once the readers are pulled in and are into the story you can explain the part about the power outtage as a flashback.

Anyway that's all just my $.02. Good luck!
Love cannot save you from your fate.

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Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Looking for some input
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2009, 12:16:16 AM »
Hello and welcome! I never know what a posting of a work is requesting...  You might try tightening this up a great deal and post 250 in the http://www.jimbutcheronline.com/bb/index.php/topic,12757.60.html   For two reasons... one Mickey is always concerned that ideas might be 'borrowed' especially if you hope to post more and two--reading for critiques can run the gambit for a new writer from "Way to go.  Keep plugging."  Which isn't frankly very helpful.  Or you can go to a full blown critique discussion of all sorts of concerns and the person critiquing is always going to worry they stomped on a new creative idea, when that WASN"T their intention. 

We simply don't know you well enough yet.  So keep posting, especially comments on the other threads in this section and we will get to know you. 

You could go through the thread above and make your own critique comments and that will give us an idea of where you are as a writer and what you are 'needing' from us right now.  Time is so crucial to the writer.  So terribly crucial.  I will wait until I get a better feel for what you seek by how you respond to other work. 

And if that doesn't make sense, please pm me and I'll try again!  LOL 

One comment though, using a JB reference bothers me.  It sort of speaks of fanfic, which is discouraged in this entire forum, by JB's request.  If you were a famous, successful writer and your name is 'common property' it still doesn't seem respectful to call on their name in our own work.  Personal pref that.   

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Offline kloud213

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Re: Looking for some input
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2009, 12:39:18 AM »
Ok well honestly I have no real writing experience. Just always wanted to write something, I am an avid reader though. Honestly the story itself is not as important as needing critique on my writing. My family seem to be interested in the what I've wrote so far, but I want an opinion from others. Things like are the descriptions good, grammar, and wording. And honestly I don't think anyone could steal my idea because i haven't even figured out where i am going from here. And as to the Butcher reference, it was just a nod to one of my favorite authors.  I absolutely don't want to do fanfic, I always thought it was kinda rude to steal another world. Oh well, thanks for the replies.

Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Looking for some input
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2009, 01:23:57 AM »
thank you for the clarification.  It relieves my mind a lot. 

Honestly as a very rough draft and beginning of idea--I enjoyed it.  I really did.  A bit too--I did this and then I did this etc, but that's stuff you learn as you grow in your craft.  Read the Butcher writing blog.  Memorize it.  Attack your writing with the attitude of a huge TRex.  Attend workshops.  Force your writing instructors to help you improve.

As a beginning though---it looks like fun.  Writing is an ever growing base of knowledge.  It's a long tough climb at the best of times, but if you want to start scaling that mountain--there is a lot of reward and satisfaction, even if you never actually get published.  Ultimately we write for our own satisfaction. 

Go for it Kloud!!!  If you are meant to be a writer sometime in your life, then it won't matter one bit what your parents think and what they think shouldn't influence you either!  (It's easier if those in your life approve and understand the creative process, but that is only a small barrier to what you will face in the long haul.)  BTW--it's okay to have a job that you love and pays the bills, so you can write without pressure. (Plus parents like that a lot!  Remember there are a lot of jobs for writers out there besides the I'm only a writer to write the great american novel and will starve myself straight through to retirement to do so.)  The Hemingway method of eating pigeons from the park in Paris never appealed to my personal preferences. 

At a recent workshop I was told that good writing comes from three sources:  A good idea, technical skill, and life experience.  It can take awhile to get that experience.  (I'm 56 and still gaining it and I hope that I will always be seeking out new experiences.)  
"Calypso was offerin' Odysseus immortality, darlin'. Penelope offered him endurin' love. I myself just wanted some company." John Henry (Doc) Holliday from "Doc" by Mary Dorla Russell
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Offline kloud213

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Re: Looking for some input
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2009, 02:29:43 AM »
Speaking of writing workshops, do you know of any in Indiana. I live in rural Indiana but would be more than willing to drive to Indianapolis. Thanks for the encouragement, That was more than i could of hoped for. And i thought the same things about the: I did this, I did that thing but wouldn't really know how to change that kind of stuff. I took creative writing in college and got A, but that was many years ago.

Offline Darwinist

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Re: Looking for some input
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2009, 04:03:22 AM »
http://www.kelleyarmstrong.com/cgi-bin/ikonboard.cgi

Online workshop

someone recommended this place in one of the older forum topics. I started posting there about a month ago. You're allowed to do one story a month and required to critique at least two others. Pretty friendly atmosphere and its a invite only program so you need not worry about thousands of people seeing (and potentially stealing) your work.

Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Looking for some input
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2009, 04:41:17 PM »
Kelley Armstrong?  OH WONDERFUL!!!!!

Did she have a short story in one of the anthologies with a Butcher short?
"Calypso was offerin' Odysseus immortality, darlin'. Penelope offered him endurin' love. I myself just wanted some company." John Henry (Doc) Holliday from "Doc" by Mary Dorla Russell
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Offline Aludra

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Re: Looking for some input
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2009, 04:54:32 PM »
Yes.
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Offline kloud213

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Re: Looking for some input
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2009, 08:36:12 PM »
Thinks a lot guys, I am so going to check out that online workshop.

Offline Persephone

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Re: Looking for some input
« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2009, 08:46:00 PM »
My quick and dirty opinion would be that it's an excellent introduction. There are rough points as far s formatting goes, such as spacing the dialouge so you know who's speaking, and where time elapses between scenes.

And one really easy fix...
Quote
My head went to throbbing, like my brain was trying to escape from my brain.

I'd change the 2nd brain to 'skull' or something similar. So you don't use the same word twice in one sentence. Also I'd love more indepth description of what happens between the two chracters at the end.
It's a fantastic first draft, and what's great is all the basic stuff is THERE. Just edit it a little to smooth out the flow and you've already started something great.
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