Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....

[meg_evonne]

Hi PB, I like the name Murdoc! 

heres a paragraph from one of the books im writing.

"surrender,  you are out numbered, if you do not colmply, we will be forced to kill you.)
Murdocs footsteps were light, more agile, and his brain started to procces things at at a thousand miles per second. buy the time the guards saw Murdoc move, he had taken the pistol from the lead gaurds holster and shot him in the head with it and killed the 2 men directly behind the lead gaurd. befor the other guards could even re-adjust their aim, Mudoc had already ran to the closest gaurd near him, pulled the pinn on the grenade hanging from from the gaurds body armor, and kicked him directly in the chest, causing him to fall back into the remaing gaurds behind him. Murdoc quikly jumped behind the cover ove a flipped over metal table for protection from the blast. He did all this in a matter of seconds.
Murdoc could only stare in amazment at what he just did.
what have they done to me? Murdoc thought in wonder.

For ease in reading, make sure that you separate the paragraphs by a space to provide more white space.  Dense reading on the internet can hurt this old lady's eyes! (and young people's too!)

This is a first draft, correct?  So you're looking primarily for reader comprehension.  I believe the Murdoc is normal human, changing into re-mastered super human maybe by the last sentence, right?  This could be clarified by giving me additional info where you say, "more agile" more agile than what?  Place me physically so I know and understand that first sentence. 

Watch for time reporting.  In the first sentence I'm present with the green sentence, then you have several time qualifiers in orange.  If you put those into action the reader will know without you having to report it to us.  You know what would be cool?  You've got Murdoc in fast motion and the guards in slow motion, right?  Tell me that instead.  Murdoc's body blurred, his guards slowed.  Murdoc pulled etc. 

Anytime you can change a time sequence to an action verb--you're the pro! 

And skip your last Murdoc thought line, let me the reader figure that out... which I did so it was a repeat.

Did you have a set up on this or is this your start?

[RobJN]

Okay how does this hold your attention? 
Set up - Eve has followed her spirit guide to the top of St Peter's Basilica in Rome.

Eve had crept out onto the open walkway that wrapped around the top of St Peter’s dome, the cold wind whipping at her clothes.  The claustrophobic corkscrew climb had been bad enough, but Rome’s skyline separated by a thin hand railing had her frozen.  She hated heights.  A raven flew by, passing uncomfortably close to Eve’s shoulder, and then perched --inches from her death grip on the balustrade. Something round in its beak.

Good -- did her spirit guide show her to the place in 'real time'? Or is she retracing her footsteps, say from a past dream? I'm curious as to the *how* she got there. Obviously, it's something big, to have her climbing all those steps in spite of her fear of heights -- which, by the way, I'd like bit more of a sensory cue from her about it, rather than just being told she was afraid of heights. Does her stomach flip? Do her palms sweat, making the grip on that balustrade all the more tenuous? Is she hit with vertigo? How does her fear of heights manifest itself?  Me, I feel my stomach drop when I (stupidly!) look down from a high ledge.

Also, I played a bit with the structure of that second to last sentence -- making the raven's appearance and landing a bit smoother.  Not too sure about the description of what the raven has in its mouth, though. My first thought upon seeing "round" was "coin" or "button." Maybe a touch more description of what's in its beak? Does it shine? glisten?

Mortified by the drop of hundreds of feet, Eve tightened her hold and swiped her free hand at the bird. “Shoo.  Go away!”  It opened its mouth, dropping its treasure, but wasn’t intimidated.  “I said—go away!”  She swept her free hand again at raven and it flew up into the air.  It flapped its wings, talons extended, threatening, diving towards her.  She released the railing and stumbled back against the dome, dodging the raven’s attack.  She landed hard on all fours, the raven’s treasure spinning on the narrow walkway.  It slowed and then lay, the bloody eyeball staring up at her.

Eve scrambled away, clawing at the dome’s wall.  Her hands smeared on something wet and warm that covered her palms—a trickle of fresh blood flowed down the dome curve.  The wind whipped as Eve traced the crimson trail upward, her eyes locking on the man’s body stretched across the top of the dome, speared by St Peter’s cross.

Ew. But who is he? I wanna know!

[meg_evonne]

I got a great re-write line where to tie the raven's treasure in.  Listen to this!  What a great re-write.  And why didn't I think of that?

"She landed on all fours, the raven's treasure spinning on the narrow walkway. It wasn't until it slowed and lay still, rocking gently, that she recognized it was an eyeball starring up at her."

Rocking gently....  oh my back is creepy crawling!

[RobJN]

I got a great re-write line where to tie the raven's treasure in.  Listen to this!  What a great re-write.  And why didn't I think of that?

"She landed on all fours, the raven's treasure spinning on the narrow walkway. It wasn't until it slowed and lay still, rocking gently, that she recognized it was an eyeball starring up at her."

Rocking gently....  oh my back is creepy crawling!

Yes! Better. But... wouldn't it rock gently, and then lay still, staring up at her?

I nit-pick, I know.... sorry! But yes -- good direction.

[meg_evonne]

LOL yes, you are right!  Now where's our next 250 from you, kind sir?  I know you're still writing!

[RobJN]

Okay, so it's a bit more than 250 words.  You all remember Jack and Beth from my earlier contribution? Beth has fallen asleep on the couch at Jack's house, after a very long Halloween night*, and the next morning, has some difficulty waking up. So his younger sister, Ellie, provides a solution, egged on by the other two, older sisters, Hannah and Charlotte.

In addition to "hooking," I'm also looking at how well (or not) I'm doing at individualizing the different voices in the scene's dialogue. I welcome any tips or tricks ya'll might have for scenes with a lot of participants. (The Thanksgiving scenes around the table took I don't know how many rewrites...!)

“When the byoo-tee-ful princess won’t wake up, then Prince Charming has to give her a kiss,” Ellie said, matter of factly.

“I’m not going to kiss her!” Jack said.

“Nothing else seems to work,” Hannah said. “As strange as things are around that girl, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it actually worked.”

“I’m not— No!” Jack said, standing up from where he’d been kneeling by the sofa.

Jack’s mother set two plates on the table.

“What’s all the fuss now?” she asked. “Is she still not up yet? I don’t know that I have any adrenaline in my medical kit.”

“Mom, she hates needles.”

“Well, we seem to be running out of options.”

“I made an option!” Ellie said. “Prince Charming has to kiss Sleeping Byoo-tee!”

“Well, make it quick,” said Jack’s mother. “Breakfast is getting cold.”

“Mom! I can’t just—”

“Wait, let me go get my camera!” Hannah bolted for the stairs.

Jack took a deep breath.

“Okay, well, you don’t all have to watch.”

“Wait!” came Hannah’s cry from upstairs.

Jack knelt down again. Shook Beth’s shoulder. Deep breathing, a whispered word under her breath, but not so much as a flutter of an eyelid.

He brushed a lock of hair from her cheek.

He leaned over, heart hammering, kissed her forehead. It was cool, smooth under his lips.

Nothing. Not so much as a wiggle of her nose or a flicker of movement under her eyelids.

There was a bright flash and an electronic chirp from over his head.

“I’m just going to let her sleep here all day if you don’t all back off,” Jack growled.

“Hannah, dear, put the camera down and eat your breakfast.”

“Jack, you missed. You haveta kiss her on the mouth!”

“Lips,” corrected Hannah. “Mouth kissing is… something I’ll have to talk to you about when you’re older.”

“I think I’m going to be sick,” said Charlotte.

* "How long was it?" you ask? Read the blog :-P

[Polarbear2112]

thanks meg for the imput!

i do have a setup on this story, that paragraph i put in happens later.

[belial.1980]

   
Meg: Hooked. I'm definietly jonsing to see who's hung on the cross and why.

Thoughts on extracted eyeball: I wonder if a human eyeball might have a texture/shape/weight of a large purple grape. After reading the scene I imagine dropping one of those bad boys on the kitchen floor and wonder if an eyeball wouldn't react similarly. I think the first bounce would be 5-6 inches then followed by 3-4 much shorter, quicker bounces and then go rolling over on its side pupil pointed foreward and parallel to the ground. Perhaps a bit of bloody retina hanging off the back? Also, depending on the amount of trauma the eye endured I could easily see it having sustained a hematoma thereby staining much of the white area red. Sorry. It's late and I'm feeling ghoulish. 

Polarbear: Hey, welcome aboard! I see you're a new writer here and it's always great to see new blood. There are lots of smart people here with good ideas to share so you've come to a good place.

Your piece definitely stared with a bang, no pun intended. It's a good way to grab the reader's attention. My first bit of advice is to check grammar/spelling. As Meg pointed out errors like "buy" instead of "by" or "befor" can stick out and distract a reader. Before posting something, I'd recommend pasting it in MS Word and running spell check. Then read it aloud one time slowly to yourself. That's a good way to catch common mistakes. You've got good action here and I'm interested to see who Murdoc is and what got him into his situation.

RobJN: Hooked.
I think you did a good job with the voices. They feel unique and dynamic. I like the new spin you put on an old fairy tale. It's cute and fun and I can't wait to see what happens when Beth wakes up.

[Polarbear2112]

thanks belial! yeah ive noticed thtis is a good bunch of writer each with their own unique style, and its nice to have some help instead of just " this sucks" or " that looks like something that was in my toilet last night" lol

[RobJN]

Here's a bit from the fantasy thing I pick away at on another message board:

She regarded us with wide-eyed curiosity as she sat with her knees drawn up before her, the cloak arranged about her thin shoulders. She held a steaming cup of Durin’s tea, sipping occasionally, but did not eat from the trencher before her.

We’d all tried greeting her, but she simply blinked quizzically at each of us, shaking her head to indicate that she did not understand. Ana tried Old Alphatian to no avail, and similar successes were met with my Old Traladaran and Gilliam’s scraps of Alaysian. We even tried scratching letters in the dirt but these she frowned upon and rubbed out with her feet in frustration.

“We tried to put hose and boots on her,” Durin said, when Old Seth wondered about her bare feet. “You’re more than welcome to try yourself, if you don’t mind a foot in the eye.”

“Can’t get her to wear anything but a simple white gown,” said Kuric. “She won’t have anything with any color in it against her skin. Stripped it right off and ran about the room in a panic,” he added with a chortle, then blushed.

As we spoke, I watched the girl. She watched us intently, her eyes going to whomever was speaking. Occasionally, her brow would furrow, but then she would shrug and take a sip of tea and go back to watching.

“Why are her lower arms bound?” asked Gilliam, spying the wrappings beneath her sleeve.

Durin and Kuric stared at each other for a long moment.

The girl, though, saw Gilliam’s gesture, and had followed his glance. She held out her arm to Kuric. She pulled up her sleeve, and pointed to the complex knot -- it was obvious she would not be able to untie it with one hand.

Kuric patted her arm and shook his head. The girl glanced from the dwarf to the man, shrugging at Gilliam. She then drew her sleeve back down and tucked the cloak all the way about herself.

“Bad things happened the last time her arms were uncovered,” Kuric said. “Very bad things.”

[meg_evonne]

In addition to "hooking," I'm also looking at how well (or not) I'm doing at individualizing the different voices in the scene's dialogue. I welcome any tips or tricks ya'll might have for scenes with a lot of participants. (The Thanksgiving scenes around the table took I don't know how many rewrites...!)

Hooked, oh yeah!
Voices, wonderful.  Distinct (and cute) enough that I had no difficulty with knowing who is speaking when.

My only comment would be that I'd like to see what they look like, but you covered that in earlier pages I'm sure.   Personal preference would be to combine the action for a character with the dialog next to it. And maybe the action toward the lower portion into one paragraph. "Jack knelt down again. Shook Beth’s shoulder. Deep breathing, a whispered word under her breath, but not so much as a flutter of an eyelid.

He brushed a lock of hair from her cheek.

He leaned over, heart hammering, kissed her forehead. It was cool, smooth under his lips." into one paragraph. 

Really cute and engaging, lively characters that I'd love to spend more time with!

[RobJN]

Combining action and dialogue -- I think I need to work a bit on that, yes.

Hooked, oh yeah!
Voices, wonderful.  Distinct (and cute) enough that I had no difficulty with knowing who is speaking when.

Really cute and engaging, lively characters that I'd love to spend more time with!

Got 120 posts on the blog... Is that enough time with 'em? 

[meg_evonne]

Here's a bit from the fantasy thing I pick away at on another message board:

interesting and sort of nasty this time.  last time was cute but your fantasy piece left me with too many questions.  What happened the last time?  Why doesn't she have a means of communicating?  Sounds like she's been there a bit.  Lots of good reader type questions, so again---nice! 

[RobJN]

interesting and sort of nasty this time.  last time was cute but your fantasy piece left me with too many questions.  What happened the last time?  Why doesn't she have a means of communicating?  Sounds like she's been there a bit.  Lots of good reader type questions, so again---nice! 

That snippet is actually from the chronicle's "day 2." And your questions get slowly answered as the tale unfolds. I hope the 'nasty' you refer to is a 'darnit, now I have to keep reading' kind of nasty :-D

I know you're busy with your own writing, but if you want the rest of this, PM me. 

[meg_evonne]

I hope the 'nasty' you refer to is a 'darnit, now I have to keep reading' kind of nasty :-D  I know you're busy with your own writing, but if you want the rest of this, PM me.

Yes, nasty in the G** D*** it, now I keelll to read more.