Author Topic: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....  (Read 41229 times)

Offline LizW65

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #120 on: September 27, 2009, 03:20:57 PM »
Here's a fragment for y'all:

     "On the morning of February sixteenth, 1948, notorious bank robber Norman Beady was found strangled to death in his jail cell while awaiting arraignment, apparently by his own lawyer.
     This was strange for two reasons.
     The first was that lawyers are not in the habit of killing their own clients outright when the preferred modus operandi is to bleed them dry over an extended period of time.  The second reason was that Norman Beady had died two months ago during a botched escape attempt from Attica prison, where he was serving the fourth year of a twenty-year sentence for robbing an armored bank truck at gunpoint."

Hooked or no?
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Offline Philliph

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #121 on: September 27, 2009, 03:29:23 PM »
I like it. I need more to really know if i'm interested though. i'm not exactly hooked but if i picked this up in a library i'd probably check it out. Does that define hooked?
Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for mankind.
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A little rule, a little sway
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Is all the proud and might have
between the cradle and the grave.
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comprex

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #122 on: September 28, 2009, 07:24:13 PM »
Here's a fragment for y'all:

     "On the morning of February sixteenth, 1948, notorious bank robber Norman Beady was found strangled to death in his jail cell while awaiting arraignment, apparently by his own lawyer.
     This was strange for two reasons.
     The first was that lawyers are not in the habit of killing their own clients outright when the preferred modus operandi is to bleed them dry over an extended period of time.  The second reason was that Norman Beady had died two months ago during a botched escape attempt from Attica prison, where he was serving the fourth year of a twenty-year sentence for robbing an armored bank truck at gunpoint."

Hooked or no?

Tempo and referents need a of bit polish for my tastes.    Particularly in the spots I highlighted.

I do like the subtle coexistence of 'bleed dry' and 'should've been dead already' in the same paragraph. 

Offline Aludra

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #123 on: September 29, 2009, 04:28:07 PM »
I like it the way it is, Liz.  Eh, go with what comprex said though, he probably took college classes in writing, and I didn't.
I'd have finished the first chapter at least with it as is.
It's slightly reminiscint of The Great Train Robbery (the book) to me, and I LOVE that book.
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Offline Gritti

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #124 on: September 29, 2009, 09:04:33 PM »
Hey did anyone get a chance to read my Sci Fi story?  I posted it a on September 19th but haven't heard anything from anyone about it.  I refuse to believe it is so awsome that nobody had any comments, but I think maybe it got missed in some of the conversations.  So anyway, this is me asking for everyone to go back and check it out.  Please.

Offline Philliph

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #125 on: September 29, 2009, 10:58:57 PM »
Seconded. aside from my self-absorbtion...

Gritti, i thought it was pretty cool. also amusing "Thats another point for me, doc" i liked that.

A five by five foot cell? what country does this guy live in? thats a pretty vile thing to do to a guy. aside from that i thought it was cool. keep writing  :D
Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for mankind.
-Horace Mann

A little rule, a little sway
A sunbeam in a winters day
Is all the proud and might have
between the cradle and the grave.
-John Dyer

Offline Gritti

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #126 on: September 29, 2009, 11:43:16 PM »
Thanks so much for the comment, and the prisoner isn't in a country...he's not on Earth, but in a space station.

Offline Philliph

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #127 on: September 30, 2009, 12:48:10 AM »
Awesome. Is this after the 2012 incident? because that would be the safest place to find haven if it does happen...

Or have we evolved to a level 1 civilization? Have we finally found out how to travel to jupiter in less than 2 days? i think it takes years right now, but i know it definitely takes four months to get to mars if you slingshot around venus, then venus again(second revolution around the sun), and then earth.

Science Channel don't fail me now...
Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for mankind.
-Horace Mann

A little rule, a little sway
A sunbeam in a winters day
Is all the proud and might have
between the cradle and the grave.
-John Dyer

Offline Gritti

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #128 on: September 30, 2009, 08:53:23 AM »
Philliph,
I hadn't thought of the whole 2012 thing, but that definately opens up all kinds of new possibilities.  And I'm afraid humans haven't achieved level 1 quite yet (In my imaginary world anyway).  The prisoner is not human, but is in our galaxy.  I started this story last year and lost steam on it I'm not really sure why.  I planned a sort of alien goes to earth in a desperate attempt to escape from a hitman (also alien but different race).  Oh yeah and the space station is orbiting Jupiter.  It had lots of good pieces but I decided to put it on the back burner while I worked on an idea with a little more magic than tech, but I'll be sure to pull it off the shelf again and finish it.  Thanks so much for the feedback.

Offline Gritti

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #129 on: September 30, 2009, 09:16:05 AM »
Philliph,
I just read the three (if there was more I must have missed it) pieces you've posted and I have to say they are all very cool.  Can't say I have anything to add to the critiques you got, but each one has parts that grab at me.  I'd say you definately have the heart of a writer...keep it up.

Offline shades of grey

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #130 on: November 13, 2009, 10:40:57 PM »
heres one i have been playing with for a while.

Gold.
Shimmering gold moving softly in the wind.
As the bewitched eye follows the brain is shocked back to consciousness by a figure standing impassively, also watching the golden tresses.  For tresses they are, lost from their anchor and blowing gently across the courtyard in the light spring breeze.  The figure turns away, turns their back on the corpse covered in a blanket of shimmering blonde, ignoring the fine threads of hair caught on robes soaked in blood.  The woman (for the figure is female, as is the woman vacant of life sprawled across the dark stone flags) moves to a fountain in the very centre of the sheltered courtyard and begins to wash methodically.  Without turning her head she adresses another, one lost in the shadows of the protecting walls, and a shadow of something else, something other.
"And so she is dead.  Payment is expected by sundown tomorrow."
"It will be there."
"And you?  Will you be there?"
The dark watcher does not answer, causing the woman to turn and address them directly.
"Will you be there?"
Movement indicates a nod, but in the fading light it is hard to be sure.  The woman watches, waiting for any indication of a definite answer.  Finally the dark one speaks again.
"At your stepmothers funeral?  Of course.  Perhaps the key question is, will you?"
Around the base of the fountain blood begins to pool.

Offline Don

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #131 on: November 17, 2009, 02:11:47 AM »
heres one i have been playing with for a while.

Gold.
Shimmering gold moving softly in the wind.
As the bewitched eye follows the brain is shocked back to consciousness by a figure standing impassively, also watching the golden tresses.  For tresses they are, lost from their anchor and blowing gently across the courtyard in the light spring breeze.  The figure turns away, turns their back on the corpse covered in a blanket of shimmering blonde, ignoring the fine threads of hair caught on robes soaked in blood.  The woman (for the figure is female, as is the woman vacant of life sprawled across the dark stone flags) moves to a fountain in the very centre of the sheltered courtyard and begins to wash methodically.  Without turning her head she adresses another, one lost in the shadows of the protecting walls, and a shadow of something else, something other.
"And so she is dead.  Payment is expected by sundown tomorrow."
"It will be there."
"And you?  Will you be there?"
The dark watcher does not answer, causing the woman to turn and address them directly.
"Will you be there?"
Movement indicates a nod, but in the fading light it is hard to be sure.  The woman watches, waiting for any indication of a definite answer.  Finally the dark one speaks again.
"At your stepmothers funeral?  Of course.  Perhaps the key question is, will you?"
Around the base of the fountain blood begins to pool.

I'll read on.. Hooked

I wonder what else my parents lied to me about.  Looking back, i think it's silly that this was the first thought to go through my mind as the monster in my closet was slowly making its way toward my bed.  Well, I think it was a monster.  It could have been George Burns.  One of the two.  It was still six feet away from me, apparently in no hurry. 

I could have used my old childhood method of dealing with monsters-- hide under my blankets.  That wasn't an option.  My flashlight and Teddy Bear were both packed away somewhere.  I decided to do the next best thing.  I picked up my bedside lamp, yanked the plug out of the outlet, and threw it at the thing's face.  It connected... Hard.  I was a quarterback in high school.  Monster George never even flinched.  Hell, it never even attempted to block it.

By this point, the initial shock had worn off, and I was headed toward the door.  The knob turned, but the door wouldn't budge.  The monster continued its patient advance.  It was four feet away now.  I kicked my flimsy wooden door.  Nothing happened, and I'm no lightweight.  I tried another kick and got the same result.  Three feet away.  I couldn't get to the window.  The monster was too close.  Two feet.

It stopped.  It smelled like cigars and mothballs. Maybe it is George Burns after all. "What do you want?" I asked.  No reply.  It just stood there watching me for maybe a minute or so. Then, it reached a withered hand into its rather fashionable jacket pocket, pulled out an envelope, and handed it to me.  It turned and stalked back into the closet.

I stood in stunned silence for a while after the thing had left, envelope in hand.  I debated whether or not to open it.  What the Hell?  I opened it, there was a small piece of parchment inside, folded once.  I opened that.  Huh.  I had been invited to a party.
Don is the Prince of Anarchy  :P

Please excuse my grammar, and speling.

Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #132 on: December 16, 2009, 04:16:12 AM »
I wonder what else my parents lied to me about.  Looking back, i think it's silly that this was the first thought to go through my mind as the monster in my closet was slowly making its way toward my bed.  Well, I think it was a monster.  It could have been George Burns.  One of the two.  It was still six feet away from me, apparently in no hurry. 

I could have used my old childhood method of dealing with monsters-- hide under my blankets.  That wasn't an option.  My flashlight and Teddy Bear were both packed away somewhere.  I decided to do the next best thing.  I picked up my bedside lamp, yanked the plug out of the outlet, and threw it at the thing's face.  It connected... Hard.  I was a quarterback in high school.  Monster George never even flinched.  Hell, it never even attempted to block it.

By this point, the initial shock had worn off, and I was headed toward the door.  The knob turned, but the door wouldn't budge.  The monster continued its patient advance.  It was four feet away now.  I kicked my flimsy wooden door.  Nothing happened, and I'm no lightweight.  I tried another kick and got the same result.  Three feet away.  I couldn't get to the window.  The monster was too close.  Two feet.

It stopped.  It smelled like cigars and mothballs. Maybe it is George Burns after all. "What do you want?" I asked.  No reply.  It just stood there watching me for maybe a minute or so. Then, it reached a withered hand into its rather fashionable jacket pocket, pulled out an envelope, and handed it to me.  It turned and stalked back into the closet.

I stood in stunned silence for a while after the thing had left, envelope in hand.  I debated whether or not to open it.  What the Hell?  I opened it, there was a small piece of parchment inside, folded once.  I opened that.  Huh.  I had been invited to a party.

I really like this Don and timely with 'Where the Wild Things are'.  It'd be great to see a YA spin off.  I love the George Burns reference and that you carry it through.  I like the quirky set up.  My suggestions would be minor. 'was slowly making' to 'made' --the sentence with it was ungainly to me.   In third paragraph 'was headed' - suspect that you could find a better verb to show what character is feeling. 

I liked the switch to the small, clipped sentences of 'three feet' 'two feet' and similar use of of same pattern in fourth paragraph for adding tension.  Fantastic line here --> "Then, it reached a withered hand into its rather fashionable jacket pocket, pulled out an envelope, and handed it to me."  <Love that you let me wonder why this closet monster has a 'fashionable jacket'...draws me in, making me read actively.

The prior sentence of 'He stood ... for a minute or two', consider cutting.  Let the small, clipped sentences stand out in contrast to that fantastic line marked above.

Last paragraph----perfect, as is the rest.  Nice, nice job Don.


Okay how does this hold your attention? 
Set up - Eve has followed her spirit guide to the top of St Peter's Basilica in Rome.

Eve had crept out onto the open walkway that wrapped around the top of St Peter’s dome, the cold wind whipping at her clothes.  The claustrophobic corkscrew climb had been bad enough, but Rome’s skyline separated by a thin hand railing had her frozen.  She hated heights.  A raven flew by, passing uncomfortably close to Eve’s shoulder, and then, inches from her death grip on the balustrade, it perched—huge and ugly, something round in its beak.

Mortified by the drop of hundreds of feet, Eve tightened her hold and swiped her free hand at the bird. “Shoo.  Go away!”  It opened its mouth, dropping its treasure, but wasn’t intimidated.  “I said—go away!”  She swept her free hand again at raven and it flew up into the air.  It flapped its wings, talons extended, threatening, diving towards her.  She released the railing and stumbled back against the dome, dodging the raven’s attack.  She landed hard on all fours, the raven’s treasure spinning on the narrow walkway.  It slowed and then lay, the bloody eyeball staring up at her.

Eve scrambled away, clawing at the dome’s wall.  Her hands smeared on something wet and warm that covered her palms—a trickle of fresh blood flowed down the dome curve.  The wind whipped as Eve traced the crimson trail upward, her eyes locking on the man’s body stretched across the top of the dome, speared by St Peter’s cross.

edited as I left the last paragraph off when I cut and pasted.
« Last Edit: December 16, 2009, 04:23:44 AM by meg_evonne »
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Offline Polarbear2112

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #133 on: December 16, 2009, 07:42:02 AM »
heres a paragraph from one of the books im writing.

"surrender,  you are out numbered, if you do not colmply, we will be forced to kill you.)
Murdocs footsteps were light, more agile, and his brain started to procces things at at a thousand miles per second. buy the time the guards saw Murdoc move, he had taken the pistol from the lead gaurds holster and shot him in the head with it and killed the 2 men directly behind the lead gaurd. befor the other guards could even re-adjust their aim, Mudoc had already ran to the closest gaurd near him, pulled the pinn on the grenade hanging from from the gaurds body armor, and kicked him directly in the chest, causing him to fall back into the remaing gaurds behind him. Murdoc quikly jumped behind the cover ove a flipped over metal table for protection from the blast. He did all this in a matter of seconds.
Murdoc could only stare in amazment at what he just did.
what have they done to me? Murdoc thought in wonder.
good...bad....hmph, im the guy with the gun

Offline Polarbear2112

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #134 on: December 16, 2009, 07:49:00 AM »
o yeah and meg, im hooked.

i like the part about the guy being gutted on the st. peters cross, makes me want to read on to find out what the hell happened to him, and who the hell did it!
good...bad....hmph, im the guy with the gun