Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....

[the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh]

People don't black out for a millisecond; that's too short a time for a human brain to register.

[HellsBells]

course you can. not actually being knocked out, but if you have a concussive hit, you can black out for a second or so.

[the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh]

course you can. not actually being knocked out, but if you have a concussive hit, you can black out for a second or so.

A second or so, yes.

The difference betwen "a second or so" and a millisecond is the same scale as the difference between twenty minutes and "a second or so".

[HellsBells]

Bleh, i'll change it to a second then. how bout the rest o' it? hooked?

[Aludra]

I read the paragraph and mentally summarized it as "I was being chased by a wolf and tripped, hitting my head on a rock." Which made me wonder why I had to read a whole paragrapth to get just that much data.

It may be just me personally, but I think the majority of even published authors have a ton of trouble with pacing on suspense parts.  If the suspense part is too wordy, like this one, I'm just going to skim it and probably miss part of the plot which will keep me from being 'into' the book.  But I think you may just be trying to use a very difficult peice of writing for your hook when you could use something easier as your hook.

But yeah, I'm not hooked.  But I DO think you're pretty

[meg_evonne]

And why what one actually sends agents is opening plus synopsis.  (Nerving myself up to do that with a project sometime soon.  Aaagh I hate synopses.)

  SOOOOO have ou done it yet? Huh?  Huh?   Just teasing, but if you need a push I can be more obnoxious.  Writing a good synopses is the problem....

[the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh]

  SOOOOO have ou done it yet? Huh?  Huh?   Just teasing, but if you need a push I can be more obnoxious.  Writing a good synopses is the problem....

Have been successfully not doing this for five weekends so far.  Aaaaaagh.

I don't need obnoxious push, I need settling from some other fronts of my life to give me the mental energy to just sodding do it.

[Philliph]

Well, this is a dream/premonition from a chapter of mine. Its 184 words.
Do your worst.

I was walking down a narrow brown stone corridor that was dimly lit. Everybody around me had nondescript faces, with dull noses, no eyes and no definitive facial structure at all. The only thing that set them apart was the clothing worn. When people talked, I couldn’t locate the person talking. It was confusing.
What’s going on? I thought.
There were seven people in front of me wearing black velvet robes, seemingly guarding the one in the middle, with the six ‘guards’ in front of the guarded creating a ‘w‘ formation.
“So, I see you’ve made it. I hope you realize you’re going to die here.” A creeping voice said, in a way that made me feel suffocated.
Although the faces were hooded and shaded, I deduced that the guarded was the one speaking. I felt the presence of people around me, so I looked to my side and myself and saw that two people robed in white were behind me to my sides.
But for some strange reason both of them felt very familiar. If only they had their hoods down…

[meg_evonne]

Starbeam:  Okay, love the dialog for the old woman, love the premise, love the murder, nice use of lightening and you keep bringing it back, which is nice. Cool prophesies!  Like like like.

Only problem for me, your contract with the reader is to keep them in a space they understand, well unless you don’t want them too.  (Snark, snark.)  Here I think, you aren’t taking the time to set the scene.  Really dislike the “Two figures sat, woman sat.”  confusing w/ repetition of ‘sat’ good place to delve into the scene’s description a bit more, I think.  Again, who’s skeletal hand? And who’s croaking voice?  Is the woman the taller figure? I can assume the other unidentified character.  Last paragraph, I sort of thought they were both pale...so why not use the term apprentice and make sure the reader knows which one you are referring.

Paragraph 4: HERE is your great description.  I'd use this first, the others supplicants showing one as Master and one as apprentice, and then go for it.

My question was why the oracle wasn't better protected?  Are they that common in this world?  BUT love the murder etc.  :-)

[meg_evonne]

I haven't always had the best luck in the world, then my life was completely turned upside down and inside out one freezing october night, thats when it got a million times worse.

I ran, pulse pounding as air whipped against my skin and adrenaline filled my body to the brim.
A wolf howled behind behind me as i ran through the forest, a dozen tiny cuts still oozing where branches reached out of the darkness and tore at my skin.
I stooped down as quick as possibly and picked up a large branch, ready to fight for my life as another, louder howl jolted me into frantic movement. all was quiet for a few dozen seconds as i made my way so i turned my head to search the surrounding area and could see the wolf, framed by moonlight almost bearing down on me. i attempted to pick up my pace but a branch decided to grab at my foot and knock me off balance, throwing me to the ground and making me black out for a millisecond as my head hit a rock.

Be honest, be brutal... As long as you all think i'm pretty

Geez, permission to crush.  YAH!  I don't have much though. :-)  Sorry.  A tendency in my opinion to use qualifiers and modifiers too often.  I don't know why, but everyone seems to frown(s) on them.  My personal thoughts are that they get in the way of what you are doing.  They are weak compared to good action, description, dialog--whatever.  They just suck.  So here are the qualifiers and modifiers that I noticed.  Read it above aloud, then read this aloud below.  I think that you'll agree the writing is stronger without them.  I counted eight "as" phrases.  Pull them and reword without them.  You'll see that it again is much stronger! (I think this is what Alura noticed when she read it.)  Okay, so maybe one more thing.  Split some of the sentences up and make two, or three.  :-) 

AND OF COURSE YOU ARE PRETTY!  (Uhm, did we get a photo somewhere guys?)   Love ya and huggies, Hell's Belles!
 

I havent always had the best luck in the world, then my life was completely turned upside down and inside out one freezing october night, thats when it got a million times worse.

I ran, pulse pounding as air whipped against my skin and adrenaline filled my body to the brim.
A wolf howled behind behind me as i ran through the forest, a dozen tiny cuts still oozing where branches reached out of the darkness and tore at my skin.
I stooped down as quick as possibly and picked up a large branch, ready to fight for my life as another, louder howl jolted me into frantic movement. all was quiet for a few dozen seconds as i made my way so i turned my head to search the surrounding area and could see the wolf, framed by moonlight almost bearing down on me. i attempted to pick(ed) up my pace but a branch decided to grab(bed) at my foot and knock(ed) me off balance, thr(e)ow me to the ground and making me (I) blacked out for a millisecond as my head hit a rock.

Be honest, be brutal... As long as you all think i'm pretty

[meg_evonne]

Philliph, running late.  I promise to read yours too!

[meg_evonne]

Bump Neurovore.  So did you 'sodding' do it yet?     LOL.....

My editor/coach liked it, and then spent an hour and a half fixing it.  Okay, I have a new rule about 'ing'.  ONLY use them if that is what is happening right that moment and never use two in the same sentence--cause you can't do two things at the exact time.  EXCEPT there are always exceptions to the rule. 

Yes, i do tend to use....  I ___ed, ____ed, ____ing clause.   I thought it was okay.  But maybe not, probably not.  Shoot, what was that blasted rule again?

She also made my 16 pages into 18 pages.  I'm going back and pulling 3/4 of the additions out. I'm writing it in MY voice.  WAIT correction!   I will go back and pull 3/4 of the additions out.

[Starbeam]

Starbeam:  Okay, love the dialog for the old woman, love the premise, love the murder, nice use of lightening and you keep bringing it back, which is nice. Cool prophesies!  Like like like.

Only problem for me, your contract with the reader is to keep them in a space they understand, well unless you don’t want them too.  (Snark, snark.)  Here I think, you aren’t taking the time to set the scene.  Really dislike the “Two figures sat, woman sat.”  confusing w/ repetition of ‘sat’ good place to delve into the scene’s description a bit more, I think.  Again, who’s skeletal hand? And who’s croaking voice?  Is the woman the taller figure? I can assume the other unidentified character.  Last paragraph, I sort of thought they were both pale...so why not use the term apprentice and make sure the reader knows which one you are referring.

Paragraph 4: HERE is your great description.  I'd use this first, the others supplicants showing one as Master and one as apprentice, and then go for it.

My question was why the oracle wasn't better protected?  Are they that common in this world?  BUT love the murder etc.  :-)

Heh...like I said, I wrote it around 10-11 years ago, and haven't changed much since.  Little bit of the prophecy wording, and switched the pale and dark descriptors for the two guys.  Set this story aside a while back to work on my urban fantasy, but still planning on getting back to it eventually.  And will likely rework the prologue, though I think I want it to stay about as short and not get long winded like some.

[LizW65]

Here's a bit of the opener from the sequel to my WIP, still very rough:

Somebody was in his apartment.

He heard the guy halfway down the hallway and froze, senses on full alert, body tensing with adrenaline and outrage in spite of fatigue and the late hour.

He didn't need this.  His right leg, weakened by an old injury, throbbed; muscles cramped and knotted into a tight ball of pain that spread outward through his body.  The freezing drizzle that had fallen most of the afternoon had long ago soaked through his heavy wool coat; he was cold, bone-tired, and sorry for himself.  Muscles ached; his body shook with fatigue, and a dull pain pulsed behind his eyes.  He wanted his dinner, which wafted maddeningly delicious aromas from the takeout bag from Ruby Foo's tucked under his arm.  He wanted a scalding hot bath, a drink, a good book, and his bed.

What he didn't want was for his work to follow him home like this.

The intruder made no secret of his presence.  He didn't need to.  At this hour the building's other residents had long since retired to their own suppers and beds, and they kept mostly to themselves anyway.  Ted, the latest in a long line of night watchmen, was no slouch with a basball bat, but he was five floors down, nose buried in this month's copy of Amazing Stories.  Russell would have to take care of this one by himself.

[RobJN]

Okay, I have a new rule about 'ing'.  ONLY use them if that is what is happening right that moment and never use two in the same sentence--cause you can't do two things at the exact time.  EXCEPT there are always exceptions to the rule.

Can we get a before & after on one of these?