Author Topic: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....  (Read 41198 times)

Offline LizW65

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #60 on: August 23, 2009, 05:16:25 PM »
YA=Young Adult.
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Offline Darwinist

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #61 on: August 23, 2009, 07:00:10 PM »
Ah, yeah, then what I wrote is definitely not YA lol.

Not sure if that was part of the criteria...

Offline seekmore

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #62 on: August 23, 2009, 07:07:49 PM »
Ah, yeah, then what I wrote is definitely not YA lol.

Not sure if that was part of the criteria...

It wasn't, that just happens to be what my writing at the moment is.

And the quoted section was my submission...not a critique.
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Offline thausgt

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #63 on: August 29, 2009, 05:21:00 AM »
We like to run, it energizes us. Our lungs start to burn and our head gets a little foggy. Adrenaline rushes to our fingertips and the soles of our shoes protest with a numbing agony. The beat in our toes rattles up our spine and our fists pump with deliberation and anxiety. Predator on prey, salivating at the thought of our next meal. The thought drives us to the brink and then we push ourselves over.


First-person-plural tense for a viewpoint character is an interesting choice. Are you suggesting that the speaker is a non-human lifeform that lacks a cultural (or psychic) distinction between the individual and the collective? Are you suggesting that the speaker is a high-functioning multiple personality disorder? I admit that these paragraphs hook me, but the bait definitely sets up some significant expectations.

Our name is Katon.

We are an ancient people and we are hungry.

Our prey is a small time hood, peddling drugs to school children. It matters not to us who they are or what they do, but to our employer. Interpol. It's amazing what we can get away with if we got a badge, a gun, and a general understanding of how to sidestep the rules.


Ah! A bit of explanation about why Katon does what they do. Interesting that they are involved with law-enforcement, rather than freelance.

Here's our target, here's the paperwork. Dead or alive, sounds great to us, it does. Though our prey is usually more dead than alive when the night is through.

"it does" represents an interesting character quirk. Referring to night makes me think of vampires, though. I suggest tossing in more "this is not a vampire" hints. Rumor has it that the current writing market is oversaturated with vampire stories...

But hey, what do us immortals have to fear in this age of bureaucracy. If we screw up, it goes through the hands of about thirty of our superiors before it ever reaches the desk of someone that matters. By then, the issue has blown over and whatever body bag's we left behind are yesterdays news. They just want results, and we gives them results.

*activate grammar check*
"What do we immortals" will get past the proofreaders, as will a question mark at the end of that sentence.
*deactivate grammar check*
I understand you're trying to give us a hint of the speaker's thought-style. Keep going, though, I want to see more of Katon.
From my heart and from my hand
Why don't people understand
My intentions?

Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #64 on: September 10, 2009, 01:03:04 AM »
YOUNG ADULT, aiming at 12 to 15
Ready to query in the next 30 days

I queried five agents and was shocked when one asked for 50 pages and a 2nd requested my e-manuscript and also hard copy mailed to her.  These two agents were extremely gracious and they provided some good insight, but I wasn't ready---close but no bananas as they say.  LOL  This time I want to be ready for those requests, if the miracle repeats itself.  SO your strongest critiques and suggestions are really needed now.

Thank you in advance.  You are all great!

These are TWO beginnings and therein is my difficulty--Here is the mundane start of my YA, followed an alternative forward flash from a later chapter as an intro and reader's contract as to the level of violence in the book.

I'm getting down to the wire and feeling like I have to make a definitive decision.  Your help is GREATLY, GREATLY appreciated. 

"The plane circled Rome and headed into the rising sun.   The sky was bright and beautiful, but the intense colors washed hazily together the further they dropped.  Pollution, but it didn’t keep Eve from gasping as she picked out familiar sites.  She’d researched them and made an exhaustive list to visit.  Her parents were waiting for them in the airport below, and her dad promised to take her to see all of them.  It was night in New York, but here it was a new sunrise, a new adventure, and a new day.  Yeah, like that was going to make a difference.

When the second half of her sophomore year began at the American School in Rome, her nightmare would pick up where it always did—with her as the new, awkward, lonely, bookish Eve O’Mara.  Her mother said Eve was bumbling and clumsy because she’d shot up in height, but of more distress to Eve was that her breasts grew at the same fast pace.

Eve adjusted her glasses, blew her heavy brown bangs out of the way, and shook her long ponytail.  It had gotten caught in the stiff button down collar of her school uniform blouse, and its starchy smell wafted upwards, even after a full day and night of wearing it.  She and her brother had gotten on a flight straight from completing their finals at Eden’s Croft Prep School.

“What do you see?”  Kai asked, his older sister’s breath(e)* huffing in his ear as Eve leaned over him to look out the window.  He elbowed his sister with typical sibling scuffling.


*maybe it's one of those midwest word usage things, but breathe just isn't the right word for me, but Spell/Grammar check says it should be breathe....  help?


OR the forward flash intro from later in the book.  Does it reveal too much?  This is the full forward flash..358 words

“Kai, stay here.”

Kai wore his obstinate face, the one that said, “Don’t mess with me.”  The face that said, “You’re only my sister and you aren’t in charge.”

Technically she was.  Their parents were missing, held by an agent of Hell, and at fifteen Eve was three years older than Kai—in her book, that left her in charge.

“Eve, Mom and Dad are in there being used in some kind of ritual, aren’t they?  I’m not waiting out here.”  He thrust his jaw out and crossed his arms.

Eve turned to Randon.  Even in their current dire circumstances, she couldn’t quite ignore the fact that he was distractingly attractive—not that she was complaining.  He had a Hollywood face and a body to match.  More importantly, he was two years older than she was and had one year of magic under his belt, while she had only just discovered her powers.

Randon’s distress was clear in his face, and she knew he was thinking about his father, who was also inside.  “What do you think?” she said.

“He’ll just follow us in.”

“Fine,” Eve said, “Stay close and do what we tell you to do.”

The church was dark as they crept in, but for one spot.  There luminous blue light arched over a ritual circle, creating a shield that hissed and sparked.  The wavering, ever-fluctuating light shot upwards.  It increased in size and intensity like a slow-growing fire, as it fed on those within.

Fodder for the feeding, and bound with vines, Eve’s parents and Randon’s father lay huddled at equidistant points inside the circle.  Wicked, sharp thorns sprouted from the vines, piercing their bodies.  They convulsed with agony.  The thorns drew blood, which dripped down upon the marble floor of the ancient church.  The nightmare scene froze Eve in place.

Eve’s stomach heaved at the disgusting scene and the enormity of her task.  She forced it to stay down—she didn’t have time to get sick.  Eve had just found out about magic, and she’d just found out that her parents were wizard investigators of the paranormal.  How was she going to stop this?


Thank you again....
« Last Edit: September 10, 2009, 01:09:41 AM by meg_evonne »
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Offline belial.1980

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #65 on: September 10, 2009, 05:54:56 AM »
I would recommend the second. I think the spark of danger/action/tension that this second snippet provides would be a good hook for your projected audience.

Please don't take that to mean that your first into isn't as good. It provided a great snapshot of the brother-sister relationship and allows readers to learn a good deal about the protagonists in just a few paragraphs.

At 29 it's a toss up for me, as I think they're both strong introductions. But when I was 13-14 I'm pretty sure I would've been hooked more easily by the second.
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Offline LizW65

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #66 on: September 10, 2009, 02:22:17 PM »
I'd go with the second one also--the first just doesn't engage me--though I'd consider dropping "held by an agent of Hell" which veers into "telling, not showing" territory.  Oh, and it's definitely "breath".  ;D
The rest of it's just tweaking, eg:
<<Kai wore his obstinate face, the one that said, “Don’t mess with me.”  The face that said, “You’re only my sister and you aren’t in charge.”>>
to:
<<Kai wore his obstinate, don't-mess-with-me face, the one that said, "You're only my sister.  You aren't in charge.">>

Oh, and when I've done my next rewrite and am ready to start querying agents myself, I'd very much appreciate your input, Meg, as you seem to be doing very well in that area.
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Offline Aludra

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #67 on: September 10, 2009, 02:44:12 PM »
I agree. The second one.  The first one isn't bad.  It introduces your character well with description and character traits to look forward to, but some of the wording still seems a little awkward.  The breath or breathe thing and also the last sentence when Kai comes out of nowhere.  I had to read that sentence 3 times to really get that Eve was leaning over Kai because having her look out the window at the beginning made me place her in the window seat.  I would make these changes for clarity.

Pollution, but it didn’t stop Eve's gasp from the aisle seat as she leaned toward the window and picked out familiar sites.


She and her brother, Kai, had gotten on a flight straight from completing their finals at Eden's Croft Prep School.

I'm not published or whatever so take these only at face value, but you did say you wanted critiques so those are the changes I would make.  Even with added clarity I'd still go with your option 2 since it just generally feels more polished and is more exciting.
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Offline Gritti

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #68 on: September 11, 2009, 12:48:32 AM »
Okay I'm gonna give this a shot, but I'll admit I have mixed feeling about this.  The need for feedback is outweighing my nerves for the moment though so here goes.  This is a couple of paragraphs from one of the early chapters in the piece I'm working on currently.  Do your worst. :-\

Almost done. I just had one more thing to do before I left.  My room was on the second floor so I bolted up the stairs two at a time.  Without thinking, I put stuff I would need for a sleepover at a friend’s house, like a toothbrush, some extra socks, among other things into a small bag with a single strap that slung onto my back.  Then I grabbed the original copy of the riddle and stuffed it in my back pocket.  Lastly, I grabbed Obi, put him in my jacket pocket, went back to the front door, and looked out the peephole.   

Dennis was standing on the front porch with his back to the door. 
   “Ahhh!” I forced my mouth shut but it was too late. He spun around and came at the door like a freight train.  I just had time to get out of the way before my front door was kicked open.  As he entered his eyes met mine and the smile that came across his face made my spine turn to jelly. 
He lunged for me and I stumbled away from him, got to my feet, and tore back into the house.  I didn’t bother to look behind me as I ran.  I knew he was there from the mini earthquakes his feet made as they hit the hard wood floors.  I tried to knock things over to slow him down like I’d seen people do on television, but Dennis must have watched a lot of the same shows I did because he was avoiding everything I knocked over.  As I flew through the kitchen I pulled the refrigerator door open and cringed as I heard him collide with it.
I didn’t stop running until I was out the front door, and across the street hiding with Lester.  While I stood there as still as I could, we heard the huge man run out into the middle of the street and then stop.  I figured he was trying to decide where I would go next, and he would probably be right so I had to get there and get out before he showed up looking for me.
“We need to get back to the shop and fast.”
“Did you find what you were looking for in the house?”
“Yeah and its pointing me back to the shop.”
“Won’t that Dennis guy be looking for you there?”
“Yep.”
“But we’re going back there anyway?”

“Yep.”
“Why?”
“Because what I think these people are really after is there, and I’m going to need a little liquid magic.”  I grabbed up all of my things and fit everything in my backpack except Obi and the keys which I kept in my pockets.  I started to run back to the shop with Lester chugging along beside me.
« Last Edit: September 11, 2009, 03:54:35 PM by Gritti »

Offline RobJN

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #69 on: September 11, 2009, 01:15:45 AM »
“What do you see?”  Kai asked, his older sister’s breath(e)* huffing in his ear as Eve leaned over him to look out the window.  He elbowed his sister with typical sibling scuffling.

*maybe it's one of those midwest word usage things, but breathe just isn't the right word for me, but Spell/Grammar check says it should be breathe....  help?


OR the forward flash intro from later in the book.  Does it reveal too much?  This is the full forward flash..358 words

“Kai, stay here.”

Kai wore his obstinate face, the one that said, “Don’t mess with me.”  The face that said, “You’re only my sister and you aren’t in charge.”

Never trust your computer's grammar check, even when it's right. It should be "breath" -- the noun,  what goes in and out when you "breathe."

I also liked the second opening: it packs more of a punch, demands a bit more attention than the first, and has a rocked-forward-on-the-balls-of-the-feet feeling, whereas the first comes as a leisurely Sunday stroll.

However, I'm not exactly sure where you're going with the magic angle: is it a widely-known thing? If Eve recently came into her powers, was it a surprise to her, as well?

If so, then emphasizing the "oh-geez-I-have-to-go-back-to-school-now-this-is-normal-life" beginning may be more appropriate for the story.

Offline LizW65

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #70 on: September 11, 2009, 01:00:40 PM »
@ Gritti:  It's okay.  Plenty of action, though it does beg the question of why your protagonist didn't lock the door if he(?) knew Dennis was after him.  Could do with some judicious editing; it could stand to be broken up a bit and I feel as though you're overdoing explanations of things like the contents of the backback when all the focus should be on the main problem, i.e. getting away from Dennis.  Also, I don't get what you're saying here:

I figured he was trying to decide where I would go next, and he would probably be right so I haddo on television, but Dennis must have watched a lot of the same shows I did because he was avoiding  to get there and get out before he showed up looking for me.

"Liquid magic" sounds interesting--what is it in your world?  (I was reading it as your hero wanting to knock back a few to give him the courage to stand up to Dennis, but I have a feeling that isn't it. ;D)
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Offline Gritti

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #71 on: September 11, 2009, 03:50:14 PM »
Thanks LizW65, the confusing lines you referenced were a result of a poor cut and paste job on my part, but thanks for the feedback.  I took this right out of the middle of my chapter four, and I realize it doesn't really make perfect sence, out of context.  You're feeling is right.  The liquid magic is not alcohol, and the main character is 15 years old.  Should have mentioned that too.  Still working on it.

Offline JGrace

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #72 on: September 11, 2009, 10:21:55 PM »
Here's the opening of my book.  It's a vampire story aimed at Adults.


     I awake in the frigid night air, the darkness glaring in my eyes, the silence thundering in my ears.  Everything feels different and new.  I lay on the stomach, my face pressed against cool, damp earth and there is a strange taste in my mouth, something metallic and pungent.
     The last thing I remember is running through this enormous campground; massive trees flashed by while my heart pounded in my chest and my breath - nothing more than ragged gasps.  Gunshots echoed through the night and fell heavily to the ground. Then, I saw him step out of the shadows to loom over me and my world dissolved in a blur of pain and darkness.
     Somehow, I can smell him, a mixture of soap, cologne, and … blood?  I know he is near, watching me.  "What did you do to me?" I growl as I rise slowly to my feet.  I look down at my stolen blood-stained t-shirt and finger the four small holes in the black fabric, just the right size for .38 caliber bullets.  I lift the shirt to examine my chest, but all I see is unbroken skin – no sign of an injury.
     "I saved you, brought you back.  From Death,” he says in soft, calm voice. 



I'd love to know what you all think.  I'm still not sure if the change of tense works in the second paragraph.

JG

Offline LizW65

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #73 on: September 12, 2009, 01:49:25 PM »
@JGrace:  I think it works better if you stick to all one tense, present or past, your choice. 
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Offline JGrace

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #74 on: September 12, 2009, 04:33:53 PM »
@LizW65 While I would agree with you, the whole story is written in the present tense, but the character is describing something that happened to him in the past.  Would using present tense work there?

Or would it be better to write the whole scene that he's describing in present tense?   Maybe as a prologue.  hmmm...

Thanks for the input!

JG