Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....

[meg_evonne]

here's a paragraph from my 'for fun while taking a break' from YA.  So would you read on? or not?  then start your own thread with less than 250 words for others of your current WiP so we can post hooked or not hooked to your work.   Enjoy!

"They opened the door to our brothel cell room without warning.  We were naked and still in bed.  If the phone last night had a heavenly glow, it didn’t apply to our counsel from the same region who stood in the doorway.  He looked bedraggled and tired, not like he’d spent the night in pleasant pursuits.  He was tall, pale, with long rusty hair, his nose was broken and he wore blue jeans with holes in the knees, Birkenstock sandals, and his t-shirt proclaimed, “Repent Asshole”, and a fat backpack slung over his shoulder.  Okay, I could like this lawyer."

[NothingWicked]

Hooked (I especially like the "Repent Asshole")  ...

Ok, here's mine:

"I should have known better. There had been plenty of warning signs. But Bill had sounded so excited and I missed seeing him that way. He's needed a lot of encouragement since the accident and I didn't want to miss the opportunity to be there for him. If only I'd- Well, I guess it doesn't matter now. Whatever he'd given me had begun to kick in and my brain was in no condition to help me get us out of here. Power over life and death he'd said. Power over life and death."   

[He Who Walks Backwards]

Can't really tell yet...

Well here's mine.  Its a short story start.  Let me know!

   Derek and I are, well, different.  He’s tall, dark, and handsome, and everybody loves him.  I am the Biology and Chemistry Major finishing my senior year of college. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not repulsive or a hermit or anything, but people are just drawn to him.  He’s just shy of six feet, with raven hair and bright green eyes.  I’m five-eight, with sandy hair and blue eyes.
   Oh, and perhaps the biggest difference between us is that I am not a vampire.
   Derek moved into the apartment a little over two years ago, answering an ad that I had placed in the local newspaper when I was looking for a new roommate.  He was the only one to answer the ad, and, to be honest, I needed the help on the rent, so he moved in shortly after.
   It took me a while before I found out his secret.  He came home every night just before dawn.  I caught him one time and asked why he kept going out so late and coming back so early.  He avoided me for a couple of days and eventually, we sat down and talked.
   He explained everything to me.  He said that he had lived for nearly three hundred years.  He told me about other vampires and other creatures of the night.  He explained vampiric Laws to me, and he told me about their ruling body, the Imperion.  Ever since then, we have been good friends.  He had taken me to popular vampire clubs and we had partied together.  All in all, my nightlife had improved since Derek moved in.
   It was because of these night trips that my life, and ultimately Derek’s, would be changed forever.

[meg_evonne]

I'd read further, but it needs some major editing.

The first paragraph turned me off, but "perhaps the biggest difference between us is that I am not a vampire." got me interested. 

The ad bit for a room mate is cool, but don't need all the other parts in there I think. 

I'm intested in how main character found out, but instead of telling me, why don't you show me.  Put me in main character's head as he watches the guy going out late, coming back... what other things would he notice, like does he smell like blood?  Is his tongue red?  (gross) or he can't always be a neat sucker---blood on his clothes etc?

Finally, it seems like the vamp is coming clean too easily.  Maybe you can trail him, confront him, then have him tell the story?  Right now, I'm figuring the room mate's going to be snack!  Snark snark.

Sorry, I already plopped down a section.  Someone else put in one?  Please???   In fact, hang on....

[Starbeam]

This is very rough, haven't looked over it much at all since I wrote it.  And at the moment it's the start, but that might change, haven't decided.

 Whenever I read a book, and I read a helluva lot, the hero or heroine is usually someone special.  The last of a dying order, a prince or princess, even if they grew up a farmboy or shepherd.  Someone with special powers, like raising the dead, using magic, or turning into a wolf.  The descendant of King Arthur or Caesar.  Someone incredibly handsome or beautiful.
 Not someone like me.
 Me?  I’m “cute.”  I can’t fucking stand that word.  I’m short and overweight.  Ok, fat.  My hair is brown.  Where it’s not strawlike and reddish blonde from hair dye and sun.  It’s not as scraggly as it used to be, but it’s so very fine that when it’s gathered all together, it has all the thickness of a carrot.  A baby carrot.  Blue eyes, white skin.  And glasses.  I look like a librarian.  Could it be any more boring?
 “Yes.”
 Ah, hell.  Shut up...  Now people think I’m talking to myself.
 “But you are.”
 All I was trying to do was kill myself.  I missed my dand and grandmother.  And I was just so tired of being alone all the time.  How was I supposed to know that stupid dagger was magical?  And possessed?

[belial.1980]

Meg- Hooked. Nicely done. Only thing--I didn't make an immediate connection with the phone's heavenly glow and the lawyer, but that might be just me.

Nothinwicked/Starbeam, honestly I think you could both just start off with the very last few lines of your individual pieces, because those were the ones that really grabbed my attention:

"Power over life and death he'd said. Power over life and death."
::That:: caught my interest. Let's see what happens next.

All I was trying to do was kill myself.  I missed my dand and grandmother.  And I was just so tired of being alone all the time.  How was I supposed to know that stupid dagger was magical?  And possessed?
Ditto. Now I want to know about this dagger and where it came from.

He Who Walks Backwards I'll echo what Meg said. Maybe a good starting point would be the moment when the character finds out that Derek is a vampire. That could be a good flashpoint for conflict.


(EDIT: Caffeine rush, sorry) What I meant to say is that I think all three pieces could benefit by placing more focus on grabbing the reader's attention right off that bat and worry about exposition/explanation till later. All three have intriguing premises and look promising.

Here's mine:

A mask of blood covered the face of the abomination that was once a beautiful young girl and its eyes shined with something that cut even deeper than madness. The light of Rhea's lantern revealed the creature crouched on the Cypress bower, feasting on the young cowpuncher's eviscerated remains. The dead man hung slumped over the branch like a jaguar's kill, dribbling crimson streams onto the brush below. A breeze wafted the miasma of death over Rhea and she caught a whiff of his last meal—beef stew—amidst the stench of spilled guts. Without a sound the girl-thing bounded from the tree and charged, running upon all fours.

Rhea's grip tightened on her tomahawk, but before the girl-thing managed three strides a shadow whisked through the grass like an eel through water and crashed into it. The beast Rhea had named "Pluto" threw the girl-thing nose over toes with a toss of his horns. The abomination rolled to its feet screaming and tried to bite its attacker, but Pluto entwined it with his sinuous body and pinned it to the ground.

[meg_evonne]

Starbeam:  wow, I liked a lot of stuff in here!  I agree that the strongest line is the last part, "All I was trying to do was kill myself.  I missed my dand and grandmother.  And I was just so tired of being alone all the time.  How was I supposed to know that stupid dagger was magical?  And possessed?" 

That's the strongest line and I think it's a great starting point, but what I also like is who you pulled together as a main character.  She's interesting!  She's quirky to be talking to herself and I like that she's not the normal hero walking the streets.  I do want to spend time with the main character.

NothingWicked: I don't have enough yet to feel that I'm hooked into it.  That last line again is strong.  Can you post more? :-)

belial: Graphic death scene--cool.  The girl creature intriguing and really interested in the Pluto, which I assume is a compatriot of Rhea and is neat.  Plus the body description gives me a sense of the environment without actually describing it. 

In the first paragraph I lost my physicality.  The first sentence took me into the girl creature, the next three sentences took me to the body and then it was back to the girl creature.  This may have been on purpose and your choice.  I personally would feel more comfortable with the 2nd sentence that introduces Rhea through the lantern, moves on to the body... continue to the last line and then incorporate the first sentence into that last bit. 

To me, I feel more comfortable with the camera view idea.  Right now the camera is shifting too much and I got lost.  Starting with the lantern that reveals the body, the description of the body, then the camera eye would move to the girl creature.  Does that make sense?   

Oh, hey  ya, I'm hooked!

[LizW65]

Here's mine:

October, 1947

Eighteen months ago, Jerry Straight left his Times Square office to get three corned beef sandwiches and a pack of Chesterfields and vanished off the face of the earth.  As mysterious disappearances went, it didn’t get a lot of press coverage, and the cops barely made a show of concern before shrugging their shoulders and moving on to the next big thing in crime.  Jerry was no Judge Crater; he sure as hell was no Amelia Earhardt, and the authorities didn’t like to waste a lot of time on what they considered a lost cause.  The city was full of guys like Jerry, little fish in a great big pond, trying to make an honest living and help out a few people in need along the way. 
   For the most part, the only people who cared that Jerry had made like a magician’s assistant were Russell and me.  Russell was Jerry’s partner and one of a few, maybe the only real friend he had, but even he missed a lot of the signs that all was not well in Jerry’s world.  A guy who has everything going for him doesn’t walk away from his whole life without a word to anybody.  A private dick with a reputation to uphold doesn’t do a runner in the middle of a case.  Russell spent more than a few sleepless nights wondering if he was somehow responsible for his partner’s disappearing act, or worse, that Jerry could have been done away with by the very guys they were investigating...

[LizW65]

Oh, and of the previous fragments, Meg Evonne's and Belial's definitely hooked me.

[Starbeam]

I've actually been debating over whether that bit is more fitting as a sort of blurb/forward/preface kinda thing.  I think Simon Green's Drood books do this kinda thing.  The actual story start(which needs lots of work) is:

 "You're dripping on the carpet."
  I blinked and looked around. I stood in the middle of a white room. Everything was white. Except the man in black. I had a somewhat hysterical urge to ask if he was the Dread Pirate Roberts.
  He was dressed head to toe in black. And it looked like the exact same costume, as well. Aside from the cowled black cloak falling and hitting at the ankles. The only color I could see was a golden shimmer from beneath the hood.
  "Dont just stand there; clean it up."
  He had a British accent, too. Why did that feel like home? He gestured, and I followed the movement.
  Blood was sliding down my hands and drip-dripping onto a spreading red stain. It looked very bright against the white carpet. I still held the dagger in my hand, but even though blood dripped from the point, the blade was clean.

[the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh]

Does it have to be an opening ?

Some stories want to open with hooks, and some with nets.

[the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh]

From a project that is well back-burnered now; it has an opening frame, and this is the transition to the main story.

"They think they understand it, now, this Secretary of State Linebarger and his bleedin' shadow soldiers. They give me these books to read and take my notes and comments as if it mattered. They think they know where it began and why it came out this way and why the rats are here in the Big Apple after my hide, after so long. And maybe they do. But they weren't there at the beginning, and I was, before anyone knew who Onkel Adolf was, before the Iron Moons and Mosley and the Bomb and everything. To listen to them, you'd think it was that poor mad bastard in Serbia who set the course of the twentieth century, but I was there ten years later when the shot came that really changed history, shivering in the rain on Upper Mount Street in ratty old pants and boots way too big for me, in O'Sullivan's squad that had made a bollocks of things as usual, waiting for word from the Big Fella to tell us what to do next. Seemed so little at the time, just another street fight in a city full of street fighting, but I remember it, oh yes; March 22nd in the year of Our Lord nineteen hundred and twenty-eight, at half-past ten in the morning. I was there the day Jack Kennedy died."

[LizW65]

I think Neurovore's fragment works just fine as a story opener and needs no other intro; the alt-history angle is intriguing (though I'm a bit baffled by the second sentence - is it a typo?)

[comprex]

I think Neurovore's fragment works just fine as a story opener and needs no other intro; the alt-history angle is intriguing

A little busy with referents and alt-referents for my taste in an intro (I counted 8-9 maybe 10 attention points, some of which may warrant further tracking  for being different, quite a few are probably  throwaway distractions).     Hook lipped, not set.

[the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh]

I think Neurovore's fragment works just fine as a story opener and needs no other intro; the alt-history angle is intriguing (though I'm a bit baffled by the second sentence - is it a typo?)

That was a copy/paste error, will fix.