Author Topic: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....  (Read 41453 times)

Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #75 on: September 12, 2009, 11:14:34 PM »
@Gritti, Thank you for the clarification on where the piece was located!  I was confused as to why Dennis wanted him, etc.  So it's another YA, yeah!  I agree with Liz' assessment.  I like the action, the intensity and I suspect that is why you picked this section to share.  You've got the elements (A, B, C, etc) of the chase and they are working for you.

Professor Meg speaks---feel welcome to stab my crit's heart!!!  Just remember the key elements are already in your post and they are great!

Tension can be built lots of ways, but one way is to shorten your sentences.  When you read it out loud, you'll get a feel for the pace you are setting.  This kind of scene can take a very fast pace.
Quote from: Gritti on September 10, 2009, 06:48:32 PM
"*Almost done. I just had one more thing to do before I left.*1 [*My room was on the second floor* 2 so I bolted up the stairs two at a time.  *Without thinking,*3 I put stuff I would need for a sleepover at a friend’s house, like a toothbrush, some extra socks, among other things *into a small bag with a single strap that slung onto my back.[/s]4  Then I grabbed the original copy of the riddle and stuffed it in my back pocket.*  *Lastly,* 3  I grabbed Obi, put him in my jacket pocket, (went back to the front door, and looked out the peephole)*."
   

I'm willing to bet the goal of this paragraph is to show his panic, grab the riddle and Obi? If so, right now those last two items are buried under the other stuff.
   
Tightening might look like: 1. slows the action, doesn't add.  2. If he's running up the stairs, let the reader figure out its upstairs. 3. 'without thinking' and 'lastly' can be shown through action 4. 11 words to say backpack, unless having a single strap pack is essential  :-)   Each of these parts can act like molasses on the reader, slowing the action you have between.   

"I bolted up the stairs two at a time, cramming overnight stuff into my backpack.  Then I grabbed the original copy of the riddle, stuffing it into my back pocket and I thrust Obi into my jacket pocket, (went back to the front door, and looked out the peephole).

The beginning panic/rush action reveals that well and the same goes for your action writing in the rest of the post. I mean this happened and that and then this and then that.  All great sequence elements! but you also have to invest your reader so they want the character to get away. 

The description that I cut added nothing to WHO the character was, nor HOW he felt, and didn't further the plot--these are key descriptions to making readers happy.  These descriptions did nothing to further the plot or build character.   Take one of your JB books and pick out some action dialog.  Look at the white space around it.  Look at how he thrusts in Harry's comments.  Look at how the character is 'shown' so you get invested in the action on a personal level.

Here at this point you have the opportunity to show me what the character feels, fears, wants, whatever by adding description the reader wants to know.  (went back to the front door, and looked out the peephole) is an action that reveals a tiny bit, but you can flesh it out so the reader is sucked right into the action.  HOW does he approach the back door?  What does he FEEL when he looks out the peephole?  What does he FEAR is outside the peephole?  The reader wants to experience his thoughts, his concerns.  Also as far as pace, this is a quiet bit before you smash right into action a moment later.

Really a nice start, Gritti 

Now why can't I get all that into my writing...  ah well, the main point initially is to just get it down in any format it takes to get the job done.  Re-editing the heck out of a paragraph here or there in a first draft is nice, but it can suck you in editing and not getting the pages finished!  Best writing to you!



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Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #76 on: September 13, 2009, 05:49:28 AM »

     I awake in the frigid night air, the darkness glaring in my eyes, the silence thundering in my ears.  Everything feels different and new.  I lay on the stomach, my face pressed against cool, damp earth and there is a strange taste in my mouth, something metallic and pungent.
     The last thing I remember is running through this enormous campground; massive trees flashed by while my heart pounded in my chest and my breath - nothing more than ragged gasps.  Gunshots echoed through the night and (I) fell heavily to the ground. Then, I saw him step out of the shadows to loom over me and my world dissolved in a blur of pain and darkness.
     Somehow, I can smell him, a mixture of soap, cologne, and … blood?  I know he is near, watching me.  "What did you do to me?" I growl as I rise slowly to my feet.  I look down at my stolen blood-stained t-shirt and finger the four small holes in the black fabric, just the right size for .38 caliber bullets.  I lift the shirt to examine my chest, but all I see is unbroken skin – no sign of an injury.
     "I saved you, brought you back.  From Death,” he says in soft, calm voice. 

We need Neurovore to check in on this one.  Already Dead, by Charles Huston is written so closely in the main character's head and internal thoughts that the vast majority of the book is in present tense.  I enjoyed the book a great deal because of it's unusual style and the great story that went with it.  The gritty closeness to his vampire is uncomfortable for some readers--but it was a blast to read.  (By the way, this is coming out in graphic I understand.)   

There are so many things in this posting that I like--the senses of smell, touch, sound, taste, sight, the action of the story.  The confusion over the tenses DEFINITELY needs to be worked through, because it's TOO GOOD not to do so.  In some sentences you've mixed past with present and vice versa.  Tossed in infinitives that manage to clash--again that might very well be your purpose!  One simple correction with your past tense middle would be the initial "remember is"  if you want that paragraph to be past use 'was' instead.  Then again, I liked the last line with its past tense dialog, followed by the present tense 'says' because it jangled.  Are you putting us on?  I'm terrible with sarcasm. LOL

You've simply challenged my reading here in lots of places that's cool.  The "darkness is glaring" gives me a freaky WTF but "silence is thundering" works so... I have to shake up my thought process to say, if I accept the 2nd, then I should accept the first.  If you had shifted the two around?   Nope, I get the same reaction from my dead mind.  I just can't see darkness as glaring--try as I might, but it's cool if you can! 

You've taken me on a trip through the fun house, shook up the brain cells.  If on purpose then thank you, but if not then you really got to get that under control so you can let yourself fly!

Then the worse part? The part I hate saying.  I'm not a vampire reader, but recently I've been seeing lots of stuff from TV to books to movies that use this, "I'm a vampire and I brought you back to save you bit."  Is it over done?  You've got a lot going for you here, I wonder if you need a fresher angle? 
"Calypso was offerin' Odysseus immortality, darlin'. Penelope offered him endurin' love. I myself just wanted some company." John Henry (Doc) Holliday from "Doc" by Mary Dorla Russell
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Offline JGrace

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #77 on: September 13, 2009, 08:47:24 AM »
Thanks so much for the feedback Meg!  It really gives me a lot to think about!

The words in the first few sentences really were chosen on purpose.  I wanted to give the unreal impression of what someone might experience when they wake up as a vampire.  I wanted to replay the character's last memory in his mind.

The tense issue isn't a problem through the rest of the book because it is ALL written in present tense, so the reader takes a ride right along with the main character.

What's funny is the whole "bringing you back to save you" thing really takes a major twist: the main character is an escaped convict who has just been shot by a policeman.  A vampire moves and decides to save him (and the reason why is explained later on in the book).

I'm glad I was able to shake up those brain cells.  I'm hoping that people get drawn into the story and really take off with it.   So far, I've had good reviews with people who've read it.

Thanks again!

JG


Offline Gritti

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #78 on: September 13, 2009, 09:36:14 AM »
I must also say a very humble thank you to meg_evonne.  The advice was much needed.

Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #79 on: September 13, 2009, 01:27:39 PM »
JG, agents love twists!  I figured you had something up your sleeve.  That's the problem with short posts. 

Gritti, why thank you, but consider it as "Meg is procrastinating and not getting back to her YA"  Editor called, wants to meet.  Procrastinating sounds really good right now.  What if she hated my rewrite of the beginning chapters?  I loved 'em!!!  Doesn't matter, she's more of a teacher rather than my editor.  So it sounds like I've more 'learning' ahead of me.  LOL
"Calypso was offerin' Odysseus immortality, darlin'. Penelope offered him endurin' love. I myself just wanted some company." John Henry (Doc) Holliday from "Doc" by Mary Dorla Russell
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Offline JGrace

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #80 on: September 13, 2009, 03:49:02 PM »
Good Luck Meg!!!


Offline the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #81 on: September 16, 2009, 05:20:51 PM »
We need Neurovore to check in on this one.

It seems mostly solid on tense to me, save that that "lay" in the second sentence reads sloppy - I'd change it to "lie" for clarity of focus. (Yeah, I know in US English people can use "lay" in present tense as a synonym for "lie", but it could also read as a misplaced past tense, and you absolutely don't want ambiguity when you're setting up your POV.)

Quote
Already Dead, by Charles Huston is written so closely in the main character's head and internal thoughts that the vast majority of the book is in present tense.  I enjoyed the book a great deal because of it's unusual style and the great story that went with it.  The gritty closeness to his vampire is uncomfortable for some readers--but it was a blast to read.  (By the way, this is coming out in graphic I understand.)   

The fifth and final volume in that series is coming out in about a month, too.

Quote
There are so many things in this posting that I like--the senses of smell, touch, sound, taste, sight, the action of the story.  The confusion over the tenses DEFINITELY needs to be worked through, because it's TOO GOOD not to do so.

I don't see confusion there, though.  "Last thing I remember is" goes into a mini-flashback in which things are in past, then they hop back to present again when that is done. The character is in present-tense remembering some stuff, so I'd keep that.

Quote
You've simply challenged my reading here in lots of places that's cool.  The "darkness is glaring" gives me a freaky WTF but "silence is thundering" works so...

What that says to me is a messed-up and notably different sensory experience to what the character had before.
« Last Edit: September 16, 2009, 05:28:30 PM by neurovore »
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Offline the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #82 on: September 16, 2009, 05:22:20 PM »
JG, agents love twists!  I figured you had something up your sleeve.  That's the problem with short posts.

And why what one actually sends agents is opening plus synopsis.  (Nerving myself up to do that with a project sometime soon.  Aaagh I hate synopses.)
Mildly OCD. Please do not troll.

"What do you mean, Lawful Silly isn't a valid alignment?"

kittensgame, Sandcastle Builder, Homestuck, Welcome to Night Vale, Civ III, lots of print genre SF, and old-school SATT gaming if I had the time.  Also Pandemic Legacy is the best game ever.

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #83 on: September 16, 2009, 06:12:02 PM »
Aaagh I hate synopses.)

how are you for précis?

Offline the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #84 on: September 16, 2009, 06:22:30 PM »
how are you for précis?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh.

Or to put it more coherently, if I could tell the story in a shorted form in ways that captured what was worth having about it, that would be what I would write in the first place.
Mildly OCD. Please do not troll.

"What do you mean, Lawful Silly isn't a valid alignment?"

kittensgame, Sandcastle Builder, Homestuck, Welcome to Night Vale, Civ III, lots of print genre SF, and old-school SATT gaming if I had the time.  Also Pandemic Legacy is the best game ever.

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #85 on: September 16, 2009, 06:46:53 PM »
Or to put it more coherently, if I could tell the story in a shorted form in ways that captured what was worth having about it, that would be what I would write in the first place.

  :D

I had you pegged as adept in enough fun games of tone to be barely able to resist writing the same story again.

Offline Starbeam

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #86 on: September 17, 2009, 02:06:52 AM »
Okay, this is 380 words, but it's the entire prologue to a fantasy and hasn't had any kind of change in quite a long time.  It will eventually.  And really needs it.

        Lightning split the sky, and thunder rumbled through the oppressive silence.  Two shrouded figures sat before a decrepit old woman, waiting as she sat entranced.
   A skeletal hand rose and pointed at the smaller of the two.  “From love will death arrive,” the croaking voice muttered then lapsed into silence.
   The figure pushed back the hood of his rough woolen cloak.  A flash of lightning glimmered across the shimmery white hair and pale skin.  Gray eyes turned a question toward the taller figure. 
   “Master?” he whispered.  The other held up his hand and motioned for silence.  They turned their attention back to the old woman.  She sat high on her stone seat, silhouetted against the sky as with each flash of lightning.  Blind eyes were turned skyward as if seeing the will of the gods written in the looming thunderheads.
   Her eyes returned to the pair, and the pale figure shuddered under her stare.
   “From the marriage of true love’s touch, she who reunites the old blood with the new shall save this land from evil arising.”
   “Go now.  We have learned what we came for.”  The quiet, insistent voice persuaded the apprentice to rise.  He began picking his way down the rubble strewn trail, glancing back only once.  After he left, the master rose and pushed back his hood to reveal a figure as dark as the apprentice was light.
   He drew a serrated dagger from the sleeve of his cloak,  his knuckles whitening around the hilt as he advanced toward the oracle.
   “From death shall love bring life.  You,” a finger rose to point at the master, “will from old blood and new find death.”
   “And you, dearest, oracle, shall find death now,” he murmured in her ear.  He slid the dagger between her ribs and twisted it.  Her breath gurgled as blood filled her lungs.
   He stepped back, cleaning the blade on the old woman’s robes.  The oracle slid from the stone seat and lay in the grass.  He watched blood bubble on her lips as the glazed eyes stared at the roiling clouds.
   A last breath gurgled, and he turned, tucking the knife back into his sleeve.  He descended from the mountain by the same path his apprentice took.
   Lightning flashed again, illuminating the empty mountainside.
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Offline the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #87 on: September 17, 2009, 03:09:58 AM »
Starbeam;  establishes the voice and the genre of story well and early on, definitely.  It does give the impression it's not a subset of the genre I like, though, so it would not make me pick the book up if that was the first page and I read it in a bookshop, and the other information i had about it did not indicate otherwise. (Does anyone pick up books on spec without a bit of googling first any more ?)
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"What do you mean, Lawful Silly isn't a valid alignment?"

kittensgame, Sandcastle Builder, Homestuck, Welcome to Night Vale, Civ III, lots of print genre SF, and old-school SATT gaming if I had the time.  Also Pandemic Legacy is the best game ever.

Offline Starbeam

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #88 on: September 17, 2009, 12:39:03 PM »
Starbeam;  establishes the voice and the genre of story well and early on, definitely.  It does give the impression it's not a subset of the genre I like, though, so it would not make me pick the book up if that was the first page and I read it in a bookshop, and the other information i had about it did not indicate otherwise. (Does anyone pick up books on spec without a bit of googling first any more ?)

Yeah, that's kinda what I was thinking when I skimmed it last night.  Course, I wrote it about 10 years ago, and only did minor changes about 5 years ago in college.  I don't really google books, for the most part, but it's rare that I get a book without reading a synopsis and either the first page or sample chapter.  And if it has a prologue I read a bit of that then switch and read a bit of the first chapter.  I've seen enough prologues that differ in voice from the actual book.
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Offline HellsBells

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #89 on: September 17, 2009, 01:27:05 PM »
I havent always had the best luck in the world, then my life was completely turned upside down and inside out one freezing october night, thats when it got a million times worse.

I ran, pulse pounding as air whipped against my skin and adrenaline filled my body to the brim.
A wolf howled behind behind me as i ran through the forest, a dozen tiny cuts still oozing where branches reached out of the darkness and tore at my skin.
I stooped down as quick as possibly and picked up a large branch, ready to fight for my life as another, louder howl jolted me into frantic movement. all was quiet for a few dozen seconds as i made my way so i turned my head to search the surrounding area and could see the wolf, framed by moonlight almost bearing down on me. i attempted to pick up my pace but a branch decided to grab at my foot and knock me off balance, throwing me to the ground and making me black out for a millisecond as my head hit a rock.

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