Author Topic: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....  (Read 41383 times)

Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #45 on: August 03, 2009, 03:34:55 PM »
"OK, he's dead. You can go ahead and talk to him."  - Hey love this one.  Is it a quote?  I'm not familiar with it, btw I did pick up Charlie Huston's "Already Dead" and enjoyed it.  Thank you for the referral!  There was a lot to like in there from style to technique.  It doesn't grab me like JB does, but well worth the money to buy it.  It's a tad on the dark side for me.  I will pick some more of that author's titles up.

"Calypso was offerin' Odysseus immortality, darlin'. Penelope offered him endurin' love. I myself just wanted some company." John Henry (Doc) Holliday from "Doc" by Mary Dorla Russell
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Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #46 on: August 03, 2009, 03:39:25 PM »
Re-reading Don's post and now prefer it the original way---since my editing is over for the moment on the YA.  Sigh.  Don't you love it when you edit it, then a month later change it back the way it was originally?  Worse yet?  When it's your editor that does it!!!!  :-)
"Calypso was offerin' Odysseus immortality, darlin'. Penelope offered him endurin' love. I myself just wanted some company." John Henry (Doc) Holliday from "Doc" by Mary Dorla Russell
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Offline the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #47 on: August 03, 2009, 04:24:43 PM »
"OK, he's dead. You can go ahead and talk to him."  - Hey love this one.  Is it a quote?

It is, indeed; Greg Egan's Distress, an interestingly strange medium-near-future SF book. It's not the best Egan's ever done, by quite a ways actually considering Permutation City and Diaspora, but it's got the best hook first line.

Quote
I did pick up Charlie Huston's "Already Dead" and enjoyed it.  Thank you for the referral!  There was a lot to like in there from style to technique.  It doesn't grab me like JB does, but well worth the money to buy it.  It's a tad on the dark side for me.  I will pick some more of that author's titles up.

Glad you enjoyed; the fifth and last of those is due in October, so as urban fantasy series goes it has the advantage of having a clearly defined and failry close actual end.  Though they do stay about that level of dark all the way through.
« Last Edit: August 03, 2009, 04:28:44 PM by neurovore »
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kittensgame, Sandcastle Builder, Homestuck, Welcome to Night Vale, Civ III, lots of print genre SF, and old-school SATT gaming if I had the time.  Also Pandemic Legacy is the best game ever.

Offline thausgt

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #48 on: August 13, 2009, 03:47:41 AM »
These stories are from the vaults. Haven't really worked on either of them in years, but I'd love to hear some opinions:

“Floyd Marlin, are you aware that the Federal law which you have been accused of breaking carries a mandatory death-sentence if you are found guilty?”

"The evil wizard spat a blob of slime, hate and magick directly into my left eye, and another in my right."

“'Welcome to the Treehouse,'” the stranger said, in slightly accented 21st century English, settling himself down in the seat across from me as I set down my pint of rich, amber-hued cider. As the language had been subsumed by Dutch more than two centuries ago in this particular parallel world, he had my full attention. I had never seen him before, so he would also have my pint in his face if he didn't explain himself. Quickly."
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Offline LizW65

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #49 on: August 13, 2009, 01:18:22 PM »
I would definitely cut the words "in this particular parallel world."  First, how would the narrator know he/she is in a parallel world, and second, I think it would be more interesting to show that gradually instead of stating it right off the bat.  Otherwise, #3 has my attention.
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Offline the neurovore of Zur-En-Aargh

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #50 on: August 13, 2009, 02:34:46 PM »
I would definitely cut the words "in this particular parallel world."  First, how would the narrator know he/she is in a parallel world,

I liked that, I read it as establishing the narrator being a veteran of travel between parallel worlds.
Mildly OCD. Please do not troll.

"What do you mean, Lawful Silly isn't a valid alignment?"

kittensgame, Sandcastle Builder, Homestuck, Welcome to Night Vale, Civ III, lots of print genre SF, and old-school SATT gaming if I had the time.  Also Pandemic Legacy is the best game ever.

Offline Aludra

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #51 on: August 13, 2009, 02:44:56 PM »
I'm with neurovore on that.  Also I want to know what the treehouse is, and what someone with the ability to experience multiple worlds would be like. Guess you hooked me.  I'd have kept reading, if I'd picked it up at the bookstore to browse (Which I frequently do). 

I don't like the first two as much.

1. 'Federal' threw me off. It's too mundane and I can quickly get tired of authority protaganists.
2. I dislike it when the first sentence involves violence.  It sets the pace as too fast for my taste and usually implies that there will be little development of character.

These are just personal opinions, so don't act on them necessarily.  I'm only one potential audience member.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2009, 02:48:50 PM by Aludra »
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Offline meg_evonne

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #52 on: August 13, 2009, 11:13:28 PM »
Oh goodie, love the ones from the vault.  LOL
“Floyd Marlin, are you aware that the Federal law which you have been accused of breaking carries a mandatory death-sentence if you are found guilty?”

Personal opinion only! Not unique enough in my opinion.  If I only had the one line, then I would pass.

"The evil wizard spat a blob of slime, hate and magick directly into my left eye, and another in my right."
  I'm a sucker for Harrison Ford intros.  I'd keep going for sure. 

“'Welcome to the Treehouse,'” the stranger said, in slightly accented 21st century English, settling himself down in the seat across from me as I set down my pint of rich, amber-hued cider. As the language had been subsumed by Dutch more than two centuries ago in this particular parallel world, he had my full attention. I had never seen him before, so he would also have my pint in his face if he didn't explain himself. Quickly."

Lengthy and didn't grab me, but on re-reading several times, I wondered what the Treehouse was.  Also the Dutch was a neat twist.  Paricular parallel world-okay by me, sets the stage etc. Then why is he so pi****d off?  So for an agent--no, because it didn't grab me, but as an interesting start to a first draft--possibilities for sure.

And who is next?  poke, poke or bump, bump depending on your preferred terminology.  :-)
"Calypso was offerin' Odysseus immortality, darlin'. Penelope offered him endurin' love. I myself just wanted some company." John Henry (Doc) Holliday from "Doc" by Mary Dorla Russell
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Offline LizW65

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #53 on: August 16, 2009, 12:43:42 AM »
"The first of the four horsemen reined in his stallion, hooves striking sparks on the Casino floor and sending pit bosses and players scrambling for cover.  Controlling his rearing mount with difficulty, he drew his Colt Peacemaker and fired six shots into the ceiling.  "Nobody move!" he shouted.  "This is the Apocalypse!""

(I was playing craps last night at the Mohegan Sun and actually thought I heard someone shout that line, but I was mistaken.  Anyway, the above occurred to me and I thought I'd share. ;D)
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Offline LizW65

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #54 on: August 17, 2009, 10:23:28 PM »
"Kieran Kinsella inadvertently joined the Beat Generation the night he backed over Jack Kerouac with his mother's Buick Roadmaster."
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Offline thausgt

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #55 on: August 21, 2009, 03:12:04 AM »
I would definitely cut the words "in this particular parallel world."  First, how would the narrator know he/she is in a parallel world, and second, I think it would be more interesting to show that gradually instead of stating it right off the bat.  Otherwise, #3 has my attention.

This is one of several story-fragments I built around a particular character that I designed for a GURPS: Infinite Worlds campaign.
(For non-GURPS fans: this is an RPG scenario in which cross-dimensional travel is as safe and commonplace as internal-combustion engines are in our world. Most people have to use vehicles or "projectors" to travel across the dimensions, but a double-dozen "worldjumpers" can do so through sheer force of will.)
The character himself ("Zed Starbrucker") is a respected professional worldjumper who is taking a 24-hour leave in a place where his bosses absolutely cannot interrupt him.
The rest of the story-fragment explains that the action takes place in a parallel universe where certain fundamental laws of physics operate differently, creating a dimension that cannot be accessed except by worldjumpers.
Good points in your critique, though; explaining all of this in the first paragraph would require too much jargon. I'll see about adjusting that in another draft.
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Offline thausgt

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #56 on: August 21, 2009, 03:24:07 AM »
I'm with neurovore on that.  Also I want to know what the treehouse is, and what someone with the ability to experience multiple worlds would be like. Guess you hooked me.  I'd have kept reading, if I'd picked it up at the bookstore to browse (Which I frequently do).
 

"Treehouse" is the name that the other worldjumpers use to describe this particular parallel world. There are around two dozen of them on one side or the other (or neither side) of a cross-dimensional war. However, they all found this particular parallel world and declared it neutral ground. Sort of like maintaining diplomatic "back-channels" between the U.S. and Soviet Russia back in the bad old days. They settled on "Treehouse" to describe it based on various aesthetic elements (greater respect for nature, greater cultural preference for using wood in construction and artwork, etc.) and because everyone liked it better than "Manorhouse" or "Cosmic Switzerland".

I don't like the first two as much.

1. 'Federal' threw me off. It's too mundane and I can quickly get tired of authority protaganists.

Good point! The speaker is addressing the protagonist. I'll see about making that a little more obvious in the next draft.

2. I dislike it when the first sentence involves violence.  It sets the pace as too fast for my taste and usually implies that there will be little development of character.

If it helps any, earlier drafts of this scene were much longer and had more action. Basically, imagine the scene in "Blood Rites" where Harry & Co. are heading into the confrontation with Mavra's scourge. Now imagine that scene starting off the book as a flashback, and you'll have some idea of the structure with which I started.

These are just personal opinions, so don't act on them necessarily.  I'm only one potential audience member.

Never fear, I'm thickening my skin as best I can. All feedback that doesn't descend into impugning the author's genetics and hygiene has at least some merit. Thanks, everybody!
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Offline Gritti

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #57 on: August 22, 2009, 08:33:12 AM »
This is fun. 
I know I'm being stupid but I'm nervous to put any of my current ideas out into an open forum.  I'll try to write something now just as an exercise.  I'll try to post it soon.  Anyway keep it up all you brave writers.
 
« Last Edit: August 22, 2009, 09:06:35 AM by Gritti »

Offline seekmore

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #58 on: August 23, 2009, 05:57:38 AM »
I almost cheated and put a portion of the climactic chapter where the fairly untrained heroine engages the antagonist in hand to hand combat in a sewer with a three foot piece of rusted rebar, but I decided against that and and went with part of the prologue:





The shadow slides up his hoodie, wrapping itself almost lovingly around his torso. He shivers involuntarily. As the shadow closes around his neck, the tingle of unease at the back of his mind blossoms into full-blown panic. He sprints, desperately making for his apartment and the safety of a locked door.

A sudden clamping of the shadow forces all the air from his lungs in a whoosh. Jacob collapses, falling face first into the road. The unyielding asphalt scrapes painfully against his face, but he doesn't notice as his body now feels likes it is on fire.  The creature's tendrils sink into his chest to wrap around his heart and squeeze. His mouth and lungs work in a futile effort to draw breath.

In its haste to feed, the monster let its grip go slack. The pressure redoubles with a rib-cracking crunch. Spots appear before his eyes. His oxygen-deprived limbs begin to convulse despite the monsters efforts to keep him still.

Jacob thrashes soundlessly against the asphalt, but quickly his efforts begin to slow. The blood pools in his limbs and then spots dance before his eyes.

Jacob stares upward. The stars, normally dim spots in the city lights and smog, shine brilliantly in his field of vision before everything goes blissfully dark and quiet.

After a few minutes, the shadow moves again.  It glides silently over the sidewalk and down an alley, a fine dust rising in its wake.





It needs some work. The original idea had this in the second person, which wouldn't work for the YA story I'm writing, and so the flow and grammar still needs some work.
« Last Edit: August 23, 2009, 07:07:02 PM by seekmore »
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Offline Darwinist

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Re: Okay new game: hooked or not hooked.....
« Reply #59 on: August 23, 2009, 12:14:57 PM »
What is YA?

This is the first few paragraphs of the opening chapter to part two of a three part novella I'm writing,




We like to run, it energizes us. Our lungs start to burn and our head gets a little foggy. Adrenaline rushes to our fingertips and the soles of our shoes protest with a numbing agony. The beat in our toes rattles up our spine and our fists pump with deliberation and anxiety. Predator on prey, salivating at the thought of our next meal. The thought drives us to the brink and then we push ourselves over.

Our name is Katon.

We are an ancient people and we are hungry.

Our prey is a small time hood, peddling drugs to school children. It matters not to us who they are or what they do, but to our employer. Interpol. It's amazing what we can get away with if we got a badge, a gun, and a general understanding of how to sidestep the rules.

Here's our target, here's the paperwork. Dead or alive, sounds great to us, it does. Though our prey is usually more dead than alive when the night is through.

But hey, what do us immortals have to fear in this age of bureaucracy. If we screw up, it goes through the hands of about thirty of our superiors before it ever reaches the desk of someone that matters. By then, the issue has blown over and whatever body bag's we left behind are yesterdays news. They just want results, and we gives them results.