Hi PB, I like the name Murdoc!
heres a paragraph from one of the books im writing.
"surrender, you are out numbered, if you do not colmply, we will be forced to kill you.)
Murdocs footsteps were light, more agile, and his brain started to procces things at at a thousand miles per second. buy the time the guards saw Murdoc move, he had taken the pistol from the lead gaurds holster and shot him in the head with it and killed the 2 men directly behind the lead gaurd. befor the other guards could even re-adjust their aim, Mudoc had already ran to the closest gaurd near him, pulled the pinn on the grenade hanging from from the gaurds body armor, and kicked him directly in the chest, causing him to fall back into the remaing gaurds behind him. Murdoc quikly jumped behind the cover ove a flipped over metal table for protection from the blast. He did all this in a matter of seconds.
Murdoc could only stare in amazment at what he just did.
what have they done to me? Murdoc thought in wonder.
For ease in reading, make sure that you separate the paragraphs by a space to provide more white space. Dense reading on the internet can hurt this old lady's eyes! (and young people's too!)
This is a first draft, correct? So you're looking primarily for reader comprehension. I believe the Murdoc is normal human, changing into re-mastered super human maybe by the last sentence, right? This could be clarified by giving me additional info where you say, "more agile" more agile than what? Place me physically so I know and understand that first sentence.
Watch for time reporting. In the first sentence I'm present with the green sentence, then you have several time qualifiers in orange. If you put those into action the reader will know without you having to report it to us. You know what would be cool? You've got Murdoc in fast motion and the guards in slow motion, right? Tell me that instead. Murdoc's body blurred, his guards slowed. Murdoc pulled etc.
Anytime you can change a time sequence to an action verb--you're the pro!
And skip your last Murdoc thought line, let me the reader figure that out... which I did so it was a repeat.
Did you have a set up on this or is this your start?