"Paper, Plastic or ...Zombie Mojo??"

[Matrix Refugee (formerly Morraeon)]

http://morraeon.deviantart.com/art/Paper-Plastic-or-Zombie-Mojo-119671705#

Your honest opinions on this story would be appreciated before I start making the rounds of the fantasy magazine markets with it....

[The Corvidian]

Not bad, and I look forward to the next one. Two things, get rid the terms Wizard's Council and lycan, otherwise, it was a good story.

Is the paranormal out in the open in your world? What other types of "races" exist in your world?

[Matrix Refugee (formerly Morraeon)]

The paranormal is sort of just under the surface in this world: depending on the race or the individual in it, some folk are open while others are more reserved. A later story I'm jotting mentions that Ciaran teaches classes in mythology and legends at a local college, while there are a number of vampires who hide in plain sight as goth club-kids and artists. The werewolves (ie. Gavran's pack) have to be the most cautious, given their shape-shifting abilities and their tendency to lose control over it at the full moon (I'm adding an interesting gloss on the mysterious Dogtown, a "lost" town that's now a nature reserve/historical site/walking trail in Gloucester, Mass.). I've made some references to elves, but I haven't completely fleshed that out: they've mostly appeared in the context of a paranormal Mafia-like family involved in absinthe smuggling/distilling.

[LizW65]

I would work on differentiating between individual characters' "voices" a little more; and here's some fun stuff on the New England Vampire Scare of the 18th and 19th centuries that you could maybe incorporate into later stories:

http://www.believermag.com/issues/200410/?read=interview_bell

[belial.1980]

Pretty good. It's funny and cute with some well-rendered characters. I think it'd definitely something you could sell to a publication.

A few suggestions:

Try to tighten up your writing. I felt like the story draged a bit in places, especially when we're handed multiple descriptions of Rick's zombie-like behavior. To market a short story, it's essential to submit something that's brief and effective. Really good writers manage to say a lot with fewer words than the rest of us.

I'd have liked to seen more character description. Pandora got the most vivid description, but it seemed like many of the other characters weren't ascribed with as many details. I was a bit iffy about Theristus being desribed as a "Liam Neeson clone." I can understand that Beanie sees him that way, but an editor might view this as lazy or sloppy writing. (Well, Dan Brown pulled it off, but he's a cash cow and gets a little leeway.  )

I think you've got a good start. Good luck!

[comprex]

Pretty good. It's funny and cute with some well-rendered characters. I think it'd definitely something you could sell to a publication.

A few suggestions:

Try to tighten up your writing. I felt like the story draged a bit in places, especially when we're handed multiple descriptions of Rick's zombie-like behavior. To market a short story, it's essential to submit something that's brief and effective. Really good writers manage to say a lot with fewer words than the rest of us.

I'd have liked to seen more character description. Pandora got the most vivid description, but it seemed like many of the other characters weren't ascribed with as many details. I was a bit iffy about Theristus being desribed as a "Liam Neeson clone." I can understand that Beanie sees him that way, but an editor might view this as lazy or sloppy writing. (Well, Dan Brown pulled it off, but he's a cash cow and gets a little leeway.  )

I think you've got a good start. Good luck!

To continue this point, perhaps introduce -fewer- characters in one go, or restrict the introductions to the slow-paced bits?

[magic penguin]

i liked it I thought it was well written kept my interest...But I do have 2 suggestions.  ONE use spell check. two I wasn't sure of the gender of the main character.  I was thinking...   male  since many of the books in the first person I read are male. I would like to see more of your character "beanie"? Good luck... I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I also like that you gave all the Characters pronounceable names.

[Dandalf the Grey]

Yeah, some interesting concepts in there, but some of it might need to be fleshed out a little.

Some of the changes in the character reactions were a bit too quick ("No I don't!"  Looks guilty.  "So you drugged me?" - maybe these two should be spaced out a little more?).

Also, there were maybe a few too many characters introduced, kinda clouded things up a little.  It is a short story so a lot has to be jammed in, but I think a little more development is in order.

Altogether, good though - original concept!