Feedback on a snippet from my new project?

[Delvalen]

Hey new fellow Butcher fans! I would like your opinions on this snippet I have posted, freshly pasted from my work computer! I'm not promising it'll be good, as it took less than 20 minutes all in one fell swoop, but I'd like to know your opinions on whether or not there's anything intriguing here! Thanks! And please be nice. For I am a tender teenager of heart and mind....alright alright alright. I've been told I'm caustic and morbid. But do be nice.

Today as I wake the walls are black, mentally at least. I painted them myself, you know. The mind is the greatest place for such menial tasks. Why take physical effort, when mere mental will do? Besides. I'd found the previous peachy color just too...cheerful; especially for one of my mentality. I cannot abide such things. The laughter and the gaities, they become so wearing after awhile. The doctors say they are supposed to be mentally stimulating, that they should help me to better understand the opposite nature of mankind. But it doesn't. Perhaps i don't understand the goals of my dear doctors. All I know is that when I see the cheerful and hear their laughter, all I can think about are the ways in which I could make them stop.

I giggle now. The thought conjurs such images, inviting them to flow freely into my mind. They said I was repulsive, did my associates. They thought my private thoughts ludicrous when I momentarily lost my judgment and began to speak out loud. It was my first and last mistake in the free world. I have since been put into a "hospital", or so they call this prison with no bars. This prison where not even my fellow patients will look me in the eye. I imagine they have heard the tales, having been given word of my savagery from every major news source over the past year. I sometimes evesdrop on my doctors, hear what they're saying about me in the outside world. They call me mindless. A monster, others say. Yet all I am is a personification of the evil they embrace.

Don't you find it funny how their hypocrisy runs rampant like a raging bull? They call me monster for the attrocities I have commited when they themselves have commited so much worse. It is a fact that the greatest crimes, the most horrible actions, are never solved. These creatures who so confidently call themselves "human" think they are so much better than the likes of me, when in reality we're cut from the same cloth. We are different pieces to be sure, but the fact that our material is identical in its nature is a fact that can never be erased. No matter how hard they try.
The only difference between me and the free race is that I was caught. Meanwhile they gather in their secret places, taking actions I can only dream of, laughing at me for letting others get to me. The vain populace does not acknowledge your existence, they keep you in a safe place, stashed deep in their minds that they never access. But I. I know all too well the truth of your lies. Evil is everywhere and it exists just as I exist.

You of the outside world, you see me, you see my existence trickle into a crevice never to be heard from again and you breathe a sigh of relief. You think that at last the horror is over. I laugh at you without feeling an ounce of remorse, for you know not the horrors that are coming for you. One monster stashed in a closet and you think you are safe from all those that hide under the bed? The corruption of your world, your values, is absolute. There are monsters in every corner of your pitiful existence, and the hilarity is total when you place me in a sanctuary while hell decends around your world.

You think you know hell. You look in my eyes and you think you now know the Devil. I laugh. You have no idea how deep this evil goes. You see me and you fear my surface. You don't know that other demons lay just around the corner.

Do you know the depths of the evil in this hell you live in? Do you know the corruption that is rotting your race from the inside out?

You are so far gone. So far gone that you have come to me for aid. I smile now. How ironic that I get to play the role of the hero. How funny that you tell me to help you when the only satisfaction I get is from watching you scream in agony. You think I cooperate? Oh, I do. Up until the very last second; that second where chaos erupts and you will see how very wrong you were.

There is justice in death. You don't believe me, do you? Well never fear. You will see in time

Oh this will be fun.

*End Journal Entry. Patient #1221* 

[Arkteia]

I am intrigued

For the time it's taken you it's quite good - maybe needs a little edit here and there in my humble opinion but I hope you write more  I'm curious to see where it's going - more please


Arkteia

[thausgt]

Hmmm. This snippet provides a fascinating glimpse into the narrator's mind, as well as the physical circumstance surrounding... uh...

Okay, there's the first question: which pronoun set is appropriate? The 'mood' of the piece clearly states that the narrator places very little value on 'pointless' surface details such as said narrator's physicality, since the only concrete details we have is that the narrator lives in a room with peach-colored walls, which in turn is in a secure mental institution.

Next question: will the rest of the story remain with the narrator's point of view? One option for your consideration is to alternate between the patient's journal (the 'unfiltered first-person' viewpoint) and the events in the patient's external life, such as therapy or going outside for fresh air or otherwise encountering other people (the 'objective third-person' viewpoint) to provide context.

And my final question for this post: What do you hope to accomplish with the story? No need to commit to something now, since I know as well as any other ink-spiller that a story can swerve into completely unexpected directions at the drop of a hat. But where do you expect the story to go at this stage? For example, will the narrator simply 'preach' at the therapist assigned to his/her case, paying little attention to the therapist's responses? Or will one of the other patients engage in a philosophical duel to the death with the narrator? Or... something else?

Thanks for sharing, either way!

[magic penguin]

I find it intriguing too, but also a bit scary...and puzzling... Where is the story going?  We know the author is  a serial killer--like Jeffrey Dahlmer. The author is in an institution under medical care. Two possiblilities I see for the future would be the author getting better or breaking down completely and killing  a large number of people. Maybe it's just me. I think the Author is great, but has trapped himself starting out at this point in time.  I can't wait for the next snippet.  Bring it On

[Delvalen]

Hmmm. This snippet provides a fascinating glimpse into the narrator's mind, as well as the physical circumstance surrounding... uh...

Okay, there's the first question: which pronoun set is appropriate? The 'mood' of the piece clearly states that the narrator places very little value on 'pointless' surface details such as said narrator's physicality, since the only concrete details we have is that the narrator lives in a room with peach-colored walls, which in turn is in a secure mental institution.

Next question: will the rest of the story remain with the narrator's point of view? One option for your consideration is to alternate between the patient's journal (the 'unfiltered first-person' viewpoint) and the events in the patient's external life, such as therapy or going outside for fresh air or otherwise encountering other people (the 'objective third-person' viewpoint) to provide context.

And my final question for this post: What do you hope to accomplish with the story? No need to commit to something now, since I know as well as any other ink-spiller that a story can swerve into completely unexpected directions at the drop of a hat. But where do you expect the story to go at this stage? For example, will the narrator simply 'preach' at the therapist assigned to his/her case, paying little attention to the therapist's responses? Or will one of the other patients engage in a philosophical duel to the death with the narrator? Or... something else?

Thanks for sharing, either way!

Hey thanks for the feedback and the questions! Sorry about the lack of a response on my part though, been moving and it's been HECTIC. I'll try to give answers, though you should understand one thing. I wrote this VERY quickly. It was a spur of the moment thing and have yet to decide where exactly it's going. For the most part I'm a discovery writer, so I just usually scratch something down and go from there, editing and foreshadowing in the edit.

The point of view question...that is one I'm absolutely up in the air about. I'd LIKE to write it all as a journal entry, but I don't think that would read well over a stretch. 300 pages of this mindset could possibly wear on the reader, I'm thinking.  So I've mostly decided on a bit of a mix; the first person narrative being snippets of an included diary, with the rest of the story being a third-person focus on a much wider view. That third person view will settle on two flawed individuals and their reactions as they come face to face with what seems to be an "Ultimate evil".

As for what I will accomplish. Another question about which I am not settled on that yet. I Do NOT want to go down the preaching road, but there will be a clash of ideals and philosophies that leads to the conclusion. Think of it as the realization of the two "sane" characters as they see how deep true evil really is and try to convince this killer and themselves that there is a road back.

I'll keep you posted most definately. I don't know how much I'll be able to work on it as I have several other projects ongoing, but as soon as I get something I'll post it up here and let you have a look.

Thanks for the feedback!

[Delvalen]

I find it intriguing too, but also a bit scary...and puzzling... Where is the story going?  We know the author is  a serial killer--like Jeffrey Dahlmer. The author is in an institution under medical care. Two possiblilities I see for the future would be the author getting better or breaking down completely and killing  a large number of people. Maybe it's just me. I think the Author is great, but has trapped himself starting out at this point in time.  I can't wait for the next snippet.  Bring it On

I like that you find it scary and puzzling, first of all. I wrote it to read as a prologue, hoping to have the rest of the story teetertottering between this past "journal" and current events. However, do you LIKE the scary? Or is it overdone?

I won't disclose much of the ending as it's under wraps with myself while I work out some kinks, but I'll let you know this. He does not get better. If all goes well *and I can't assure that as I'm used to writing a much more light-hearted and sarcastic tone* I am trying to delve into what a mind corrupted by absolute evil would function like. Someone this evil has a breaking point, and before the final page, he'll reach his.

Thanks for the feedback!

[magic penguin]

yes, I do like scary and this is not tooooooooo scary.  If he weren't in prison I would be locking all my windows and putting chairs under the handles of my doors.  but I can't wait for the next chapter or the whole book when it gets published.

[belial.1980]

There were definitely disturbing overtones and undertones. I liked the voice and the imagery you conjured up. It's effective at stirring up a reader's imagination.

It felt a little static, though, and I think it would've been more effective if you presented it with more than just narration. It felt almost "preachy", but preachy from an antogonistic viewpoint. Does that make sense? If the audience knew a little more about the character's actions, or if there was a discourse between the character and his doctor, perhaps, I think the piece might feel fresher.

Anyway, those are just some suggestions. It's a good start, and I wish you luck with it.

[Paynesgrey]

I'm looking forward to reading more.  The voice is well done, and I personally like the "coherant" sort of madness, much more difficult to write convincingly than the "blithering looney" variety.  (Leprous purple twinkies in baby carriages stalking the narrator in the produce aisle being an example).  One can understand the character and but still feel menaced as well as the mutual alienation.

[comprex]

Are you sure you're not a Cylon?

[Delvalen]

Are you sure you're not a Cylon?

My origin is as of yet, unknown.